Gold Digging for dummies Part Deux

Gold digging for dummies

Part 2

I’m back with part deux of Gold Digging for Dummies (GDD). I last left you when you were being an attention seeking pro. You’ve flirted, you’ve smiled, you’ve flipped your hair, and you’ve spilt water on your cleavage. You have done great and I’m proud of
you. You’ve been listening. So now it’s time meet your minister of finance, transport, tourism, social development, arts culture and recreation and if you’re lucky minister of housing too. All in ONE.

 

First Encounters

A middle-aged man (or much older) comes to you and says hello. First thing to always remember, DO NOT phapha, it’s very
unattractive. That will send him straight into the arms of your alcoholic friend she won’t have as much sass as you. Calm down! Look him straight in the eye and casually say hello. Now, if you do this right you won’t fail. Please pay attention.

Like I said before, these men had dreams when they were younger. But these dreams needed money, money they didn’t have yet. Now they do, but they’re old and sleeping with the same woman every single damn night! Now here you are, introducing an important component in that dream, YOUTH.

 

On this first encounter you are going to give him that very thing he desired. They say “youth is wasted on the youth”, it’s true the elderly know this. This man can appreciate youth, because it’s something he will never have again. So what do you do? Simple, treat him exactly how you would treat any other young respectable black man. Do NOT at any point make him feel old, or say anything that would remind him of his gut, his druggy teenager or his dried up wife.

Make small talk!!!

 

How to have a conversation 101

Here’s a party trick I learnt: to be in control of a conversation, you need to get the other person speaking more than you. Vehemently agree and disagree to everything without saying much at all. Ask a LOT of questions that make you seem genuinely
interested. Nod frequently and always find the perfect moments to smile. When he starts asking you questions about you, answer them with anecdotes that will again engage him.

Don’t talk about things that someone his age wouldn’t know. Suiker pa’s don’t like the feeling of knowing less than their concubines about anything! Unless if you have a very intelligent worldly thing to say about twitter, you must shut up about new age things. Again, you’re there to make him feel half his age.

To practice you should watch sharp rom coms, which have intelligent and highly suggestive innuendo. Show that you can more than just physically stimulate. Be a trophy, shine! Ultimately you’ll be asked what you do. Trophy ≠ Waitress.

Job vs Career, if you have a job dress it up

I don’t like discriminating, but like Chris Rock said, some people have jobs and some people have careers. Saying I’m a bank teller, waitress/hostess, receptionist, char lady, etc is NOT ATTRACTIVE.

Things to say if you have job:

• I’m in sales – Department store correct size fetcher
• I’m in customer relations – Call centre employee
• Communications officer – Receptionist

You’re not ashamed of what you do, but really for obvious reasons you need to just dress things up. It’s not lying. If you’re going to be honest, you best start finding someone to play a violin in the background. Jobs suck; aint no one trying to hear about your job.

 

It’s getting late

Your friends are getting anxious and they need a change of scenery. You’ve gotten all you can from this evening. Say your good byes and hope he asks for your number. You must not, I repeat, you must NOT offer your digits. None of this is your idea!
Very NB. Be patient, wait for pops to get his mojo going. When he asks for your number try to appear a little apprehensive. Give them to him nonetheless.

What if he’s brave and severely avid? What if he asks to go home with you?

NO! Never! Yes, well done, I know you strongly believe “It’s just sex”, but you need to be a lady, this isn’t a limber looking off duty bus boy from Melville. This time you care what a man thinks of you. Doesn’t matter how interested he is, sex so soon will
turn you into a Chicken Licken snack box. You are easy not cheap. He needs to earn it (not really), and get to know its tacit T’s and C’s before he gets to eat it.

Please don’t think this is the last chance you have. I can’t emphasis enough how important it is not to put out on just after meeting a guy. Sex seals the deal, make sure there’s one before you let him plough your garden.

 

And so it begins

Don’t play GI-Hoe

When he calls, don’t try to be cool. Instantly make him aware that you know exactly who he is, and you’re glad he called. Make this first phone call very short. Abruptly mention a date then make something up to end the call. Make him promise to call you in
thirty minutes. Be sweet and sincere about it. He’ll call the second time and you’re going to give him all the attention he needs. GET A DATE!!!

 

First Date

Your first date will not be glamorous. It’ll probably be at a place where he won’t run into anyone he knows. It’s going to be some random hotel that’s known for hosting Avon presentations. Don’t be too disappointed. Be lucky that you’re with someone who
still has a little shame. This will work to your advantage.

Wear something you’d wear to meet up with your dad. This is to avoid prying eyes. You don’t need a 1000 eyes throwing daggers at you when you’ve got important work to do. You need to be vigilant and observant on the first date. Look out for the following to make a provisional judgement on the future of this courtship:

• Is he as interesting as the last phone call?
  • Are you feeling awkward?
  • Are you able to say something to each other? There’s no point if you can’t have a
    conversation with this man.
• His body language, how much of his body is angled directly at you?
  • Like animals mark their territory, do you feel marked?
  • Is he leaning into you?
  • Where is he looking? Is he constantly zeroed in on you, or does he keep turning his
    head? For fears of being judged?
• His wedding finger, is there a ring? Or mark that one was there five minutes ago?
• This will determine what kind of person he is.
• If he’s married and lying about it, know that you have to pull stunts or this won’t
  last long at all.
• If there are no indications of a marriage, you can relax just a little bit.
• How often does he fidget his phone?
  • If he’s slick his phone will be off.
  • If he ignores/rejects call be very scared.
  • If he constantly looks at his phone, he’s terrified of getting caught. Distract him,
    make him feel easy.

 

You should know have a clearer picture of what this man is about or at least what he purports to be. After this comes the hectic stuff. You need to at this point look deeply inside of yourself to see if you can go ahead with this.

Are you ready to tango with devil? Can you sleep with this man? Being generous with the word trust, can you still ‘trust’ him?

There’s no turning back once you say “yes”?

To be contiinued

And remember, women were born to be mothers and men were born to be daddies.

Gold Digging For Dummies

Gold digging for dummies

Part 1

 

A friend of mine recently got propositioned by a wealthy older man. She wasn’t too sure what to do, but she decided to give him her numbers anyways to see how this was going to play out. She tried to convince herself that it wasn’t for the money, but she knew that would be a lie (and I told her so).

 

So then it just dawned on me, let me just blog about it and see what I can come up with. Gold digging can get very dicey when you’re a newbie so I thought it would be wise to explore it. Just in case some of you want to get into it, and you have a few questions on how to get you started on your franchise.

 

Questions to test if this self-help blog is for you

• Do you want to live a life beyond your means?
• Are you lazy?
• Do you often feel like your looks are all you have?
• Are you desperate?
• Do you often say: “I’m tired of broke niggers”?
• Do you really think “it’s only sex”?

If you’ve answered yes to four of these six question, you’re definitely who I’m trying to help with this. I’m going to guide you step by step on how to become a gold digger and still come out of it fine.

Disclaimer: Results will vary depending on your commitment. I accept no liability for; black eyes,  venereal disease, emotional distress (please don’t catch feelings, to be addressed later) and any other damages, financial/physical/emotional or otherwise.

 

 

What you’re getting yourself into

 

I don’t think you need to be completely amoral, but for this to be a success you have to be willing to kill a chunk part of your soul. There are some people who choose to view this differently, but I don’t. It’s a dirty dirty thing this gold digging bees-knees. People don’t think that gold digging is prostitution, I think it is. Well it’s not exactly the same:

• you only have one client, unless if you’re a workaholic,
• the hours are better,
•  the working conditions  range from the back of a Ranger Rover to the Protea hotel on the N1 to Pretoria
• the pay can be anything from a few expensive meals to a mini cooper
• there’s no pimp
• no need to worry about getting arrested

It’s white collar prostitution. You have more to offer than just sex. This is why you’re doing this. You’re smarter than Thembisile on Oxford road at 2 o’clock in the morning. As such, you’re going to earn more and you need to look better.

 

Be hot or go home!

 

You’re not just getting paid to have sex. You’re getting paid to make these men feel like everything they never felt in high school, varsity and their earlier working days. As a gold digger you are selling a fantasy. Think of yourself as a Ferrari. This man has worked really hard, now he’s in a place in his life where he can have the sports car he’s always wanted as a young boy. You are that Ferrari.

 

BE a sleek, well styled Italian sports car. Eat right and exercise on the regular.

At all times you must:

• have you hair did,
• have your nails done,
• make sure your boobs be perky like two boners,
• smell like new expensive leather (the best smell in the world),
• dress like you’re being followed by the paparazzi,
• carry yourself like the lady you’re not

If you don’t know what I’m talking about please visit www.ferrari.com. Look at the videos and the picture. Try to be like the car only human. Be this at all times why? Because you will never know!!!

 

Location! Location! Location!

 

You can meet a potential client anywhere! This is why you must always look your best at times. These gold mines are fully functioning members of society. The best ones won’t traditionally be at a Pick n Pay, they have people doing grocery runs for them. But look you’re only getting started, so this is where you start. Start shopping for your groceries in affluent neighbourhoods. You’re going to pay a premium for the items you need, so only go there when you need a few items, so not as to kill your budget. I don’t want you completely strapped out for cash. This is where you’re going to find men who have strong women at home. These men have wives who are as ambitious and successful as they are. These are the men you want. The kind of man whose balls are in his wife’s Chanel purse. Men who don’t feel like men! They are the easy targets. You can make them feel likekings.

 

This is your training ground. This is where you find out what your worth is in ogles, winks and awkward hellos. Spot your target and be sly as you stalk him. Try to strike up a conversation where you act completely clueless about a product you’re both looking to buy. Learn how to accept attention from a family man who’s got a wife at home, and maybe even a little kid in tow. I know, it sounds terrible, but hey you need to build up your amorality somehow.

 

Learn when the sun is out, practice when the sun is down.

 

The big league

 

This is where it gets serious!

 

Its night time and gloves come off. Open a bottle of wine, call a couple of your friends, and get ready to go out. It’s very important to choose your friends right on a night reserved for excavating. The following friends must never be holla’d at:

• friends with good careers going for them.
• friends from wealthy families (running into an uncle is the last thing you need)
• a friend who has ever sent you a bible verse
• friends who don’t drink
• friends who get Coyote Ugly after a few drinks
• friends who are so hot they make you look like Whoopi Goldberg on a bad day
• friends who say “choma” more than three times a day

The following are the friends you need to do this right:

• friends who are constantly borrowing money from you
• friends who are loose for no reason at all
• friends who’ve never paid for a drink in their lives, not coz they’re prettier than you, but coz they’re smarter than you
• friends who love free things
• a friend who’s a heavy smoker
• a friend who is as forward as an erection in tights

Don’t go in a big group. A group of three to four is perfect. You don’t want to look intimidating.

Now, it’s important you do your research. Read your news papers. Know where the hot spots are. Give up on your life of trying to trick a DJ into an unwanted pregnancy. You’re on to bigger things now. Go to places featured in life style magazines. Go to places where business executives go. A place that’s not too stuffy, but also south of tjovitcho. Something like this Wine Sense place in Melrose Arch.

I’m not even going to tell you how haute you must look. If you haven’t been paying attention at this point, you cannot be helped.

When you walking in…imagine Naomi Campbell on her first day on a major designers runway. This is the look you are looking for. A soft look, something that says yes, I’m a big deal, you just don’t know how big.

Start looking for where the big wigs are seated. Then you get your charm on. Turn it on, pump it up, its go time!!! Bambi eyes, vixen weave flips and gentle head tilted laughs. Use your hands when you speak, just enough to call attention to your chest. Don’t be loud! You’re not trying to be heard you’re trying to be seen for the gem you are.

Now depend on how much attention you’ve been paying this whole time. You should have someone’s attention at this point.

To be continued