When heroes die


So I’ve been procrastinating to get a television, and today, it just hit me. I could’ve missed the coverage of when our dear Madiba passed on. I instantly felt awful for my slight apathy at the height of his awful illness.

Then I recalled a golden memory from my childhood.

The morning Princess Diana passed away, I threw the biggest tantrum, it was epic, got me out of church. So naturally, I chilled and watch tv. And there it was, the paparazzi dun killed The Princess of Wales And Hearts And Great Suits And Hair. I found myself calling the church to ask them to find my mother, because Diana is dead. Looking back, I don’t remember if I even cared for Diana or not, but I knew she was a giant in the world. It’s was a huge deal. The scenes on telly were incredibly emotional. People were broken.

Then I remember how we had a tape of Oliver Tambo or/and Chris Hani’s funerals. Again, it was a huge deal.

Then I remembered when Whitney and Michael died. It was all over the place. We were shattered. Whiteny’s funeral brought the word and mighty praise of our Lord Jesus to the devil that is CNN. Millions (or billions), watched and we all mourned the world’s very own song bird.

Pardon my crassness, but we will lose our shit when (I want to say if, but death is death) Tata dies. There are no words to describe the man he is. He embodies the power of the human spirit. He is a hero because that is his power. I really can’t say more. There really are no words. I’ve listened to many an interview with Mandela. He just resonates everything good.

Sometimes I just wish the story of his illness was kept private. There is just so much money to be made from his death and the vultures are just circling (Gedleyhlekisa, I am talking about you) and I suppose Mandla too? I’m not clued up on what that psycho is doing; the tomb raider headline made me tired me.

Post script
• Actually, someone call The Vatican, get a man canonised! Saint Madiba has a good ring to it.
• I wish Brenda and Mariam were here for this. Brenda, especially, was going to get her shit together and perform the shit out of a jam for Tata.
• Who are these people who are going kill the white people when Tata dies? Please don’t. If you really want them gone, put them on ships and sending them packing like they came. I kid. Leave white people alone.
• On white people. I met this political radical the other day, it was very unfortunate. He said something so scary to me: “The white man taught us his language and his ways so that we can take instructions. This was an investment he made a long time ago, it keeps growing over time, and we don’t even see it.” This scarred the shit out of me. Thoughts?
• So Mandla, The Tomb Raider…you’re embarrassing yourself! (I’m sure I’ll still feel the same once I actually read up on what exactly you were doing digging graves.)
• I’m sorry for cussing and talking about Tata at the same time.
• Happy Friday everyone

How would you define a dick if we didn’t have Zapiro?


I’ve been aching to blog for a minute now, but I had nothing to say. I still don’t have much to say really. But someone got called a dick and some people don’t think it’s fair.

Initially I wanted to pontificate about holding those in public office to a higher standard, but that’s a tired speech considering the people WE have in public office. Plus it will raise my blood pressure. I want to talk about the bare minimum: not being a dick.

Let’s say my name is Sizwe. I’m your average Joe, married with kids. I then go on to fuck my friend’s daughter and end up impregnating her. Would you call me a dick? Would your answer change if I had three wives? What if I was president? Am I still a dick? Would you feel sorry for me if a political satirist called me a dick? What if there was a cartoon mocking me in a leading national newspaper? Are you feeling sympathetic yet?

We can all agree, Zapiro felt no such feeling, albeit for different reasons. I think we can all find different reasons to call different people dicks. Mine is fucking your buddy’s daughter when you have three wives at home(s). It doesn’t make you a bad person…but it does make you a dick!

What is your definition of a dick?

A picture is worth a thousand words.

JZ is a dick

How to spot a hooker in the day


Haven’t blogged in ages. Been doing life things or just taking a break I don’t know.

 

It was two o’clock in the afternoon and I was waiting for my sister outside the shops at one of Lynwood’s many shopping complexes.

As I was waiting, I noticed this lady (not really) walking to get to the ATMs. I should say right now that I’m a very observant person, especially of random things that probably won’t mean/amount to anything. Anyways, a few seconds into my observing this woman, I noticed a few things that led me to believe that she was a prostitute. I’ll be first to admit that sometimes my imagination runs rampant and I get questionable ideas brewing in my mind, but on this occasion I feel justified. Here is how I came to the realization that this lady was a tramp.

Gait

The way she walked was the first thing that made me notice her. It was a very peculiar gait, one that I was not familiar with. At first I thought she had some sort of disability, but no, she just walked funny. She seemed to use the arch of her feet more than necessary especially considering that she was wearing flats. She looked a tad bit uncomfortable or at least not used to walking in flats. I didn’t understand until I noticed more irregularities.

Calf Muscles

She had toned calf muscles which didn’t really go well the rest of her. I knew for sure she wasn’t someone who believed in regular exercise. Her calves rivalled Zola Bud’s (okay, maybe Helen Hunt’s) but still. This is the point where my mind started running rampant, I got it in me that if someone wore clear 8 inch heels everyday and had to stand and walk around in them…they would have calves like these. These were 8 inch clear heel wearing calves and I had to see if there’s more evidence. And there was.

Skin Tone

This was a black woman, but she was a yellow-bone (fair skinned black people are called yellow-bones by not so fair skinned black people). Her yellow-bonedness was however very compromised…think Happy Sindane’s skin tone. I want to say she looked pale, but not really. Imagine the skin tone a Khoisan would have if she’d never been kissed by the sun. Like she had a serious vitamin C deficiency (don’t even know what that would do to the skin, but I imagine it would result in her kind of skin tone). Like yellow leather seats that have been left outside after months of sun and rain…yes something like that. And like we all know, hookers don’t see much of the sun.

Thing is she didn’t look homeless or nothing. I had to find more hooker evidence. I did.

Hair

Her hair nearly threw me of my game. It was as nappy as fuck nuts! Think Whoopi Goldberg’s pubs in The Colour Purple (unnecessary hyperbole). But yes it was just that bad. If we still had the pencil test, The Whiteman would deport her to freaken Gabon. In my mind I thought it looked like she’d been wearing a beanie for the past 20 years or something. Then it hit me…wigs!!! Wigs are exactly like beanies, we’ll they should at least have the same effect on hair. So I was back on my game and things just kept getting better.

Nails

Once I noticed how lovely her nails were I had that “Cell-C tell someone” moment. Her nails looked lovely. They were gorgeous. Why would you have hair like that and hot nails? Because you are a hooker in the day time! That’s why! I was convinced. But I kept looking just in case.

At this point she was done using the ATM. I witnessed the same walk and was now looking at her in a whole different light. But something exciting happened!!!

She stepped into the SUN!!!

Guys! Away from the shade of the building she totally exposed herself. The glaring rays of sunshine had her looking disoriented and perplexed. The look was unmistakeable; it was like when Eric Northman (vampire from True Blood) stepped into the sun after hundreds of years. I couldn’t help it, I laughed so hard sitting there by myself.

So there you have it guys! Now you two can see if you can spot a hooker in the day. It is in how they walk, their calf definition, tone of their skin, how their hair looks, the nails and if you’re lucky their reaction to the sun.

 

Postscript

  • Although some of the things in this blog post are exaggerated for dramatic effect, they really are not far from the truth.
  • Also this poor woman could be a victim of Apartheid or The ANC’s trifling ways. So ya: Dear ANC people look like hookers (and maybe even are) because of you! #Jokes #OrNot
  • This actually happened last year December. I found myself thinking about blogging about it a few minutes ago when I was “studying”. Procrastination is so much fun.
  • I’m actually very fascinated by hookers. If I ever write an award winning anything trust me, a hooker will be in the storyline.
  • I must also mention that when I was in varsity a friend of mine and I ran a soup kitchen from res for the homeless people of Mowbray (Cape Town). On a few occasions these two hookers had some of our soup. Very nice people. Never saw them during the day…ever.

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. Someone very wise said this. Don’t remember who. This is particularly true for someone who has tons of work to do and a blog account.

 

Refugees on a rampage, “Helen Zille’s a monster”


I wasn’t going to do this, but seems like I have to for myself and my mate @Miss__TC because we are tired. We choose to think about things before we have a passionate reaction that will be completely unproductive in the greater scheme of things.

Yesterday Helen Zille drew criticism for tweeting that pupils who relocate from the Eastern Cape are education refugees (or rather the ones who go to the Western Cape). When I first heard of this it was on twitter. It was said like this “Helen Zille, “The Madam” said that my people in Cape Town are refugees. Voetsek racist bitch!”. Quite a strong statement…so naturally I was concerned. I went online and I tried to find out why this person was so upset. Turns out she did in fact say this.

These are some of the headlines:

“Outrage at Zille’s ‘refugee’ comment” Mail and Guardian

“War of words over Zille’s refugee tweet” IOL

“ANC outraged at Zille’s refugee comment” City Press

“Zille`s refugee remarks smack of racism – SADTU” PoliticsWeb

And that’s it! This is what was covered in the news. I’m going to put it out there right now. I’m no fan of Helen Zille, I don’t hate either. I understand that her statement can be seen as careless, and fack maybe it is careless. One thing is sure it is certainly not going to win her any of black votes that she really needs for her agenda. But here’s the thing…here’s the BIG issue here…The failing education system in the Easter Cape. Can we give one minute of thought for that? That is why she said what she said isn’t it? Very few people spoke about that.

I wasn’t going to do this either but here I go. Again I’m no fan of Helen Zille.

refugee
-n.
1. a person who flees for refuge or safety, esp. to a foreign country, as in time of political upheaval, war, etc.

The fact is that the situation in the Eastern Cape is dire. Leaving a dire situation is fleeing. People are fleeing the Eastern Cape to seek better education else were. The province is suffering from sclerosis and its people are suffering. No one spoke for those people yesterday. We would rather go on a witch hunt for Helen Zille and call her racist. The ANC wins again. No one is calling the fat lazy cats looting the Eastern Cape government the pigs that they are. No one is charging those people with *insert appropriate noun* (whatever noun that is, it surely must be worse than RACISM since it has a DIRECT impact on your own people).

When I put up a status on facebook regarding all of this hoopla (@Miss__TC said it, because that is exactly what it is) a few of my friends commented. One friend of mine Zethu, a Doctor doing her internship in Pretoria, said that people aren’t only going to the Western Cape and it’s not only education. She gets several patients in Pretoria from the Eastern Cape coming to seek better health services too.

Excerpt from the Mail and Guardian:

“There mustn’t be a presumption that all learners who’ve left the Eastern Cape have gone to the Western Cape. To say all Eastern Cape learners go to the Western Cape is wrong because they do go to KwaZulu Natal and Gauteng.” Allan Taylor, an independent education specialist.

Look fact is every province is allocated a budget based on its needs and the people it needs to server. The Western Cape is the only province that is not under the control of the ANC. Gauteng and KwaZulu Natal have their own people to service, when their load is increased the welfare of the people in those provinces is compromised. But hey, but all those provinces are being run by the same political party. I’d like to think that if The IFP ran KZN Mangosuthu Buthelezi would certainly have something to say. Resources are limited everywhere. If people leave their province is shouldn’t be because their province is failing. These are the issues!!!

I urge you all to always keep an open mind. Don’t just take things as they are. Political rhetoric has an insidious way of driving us so far away from the things that really matter. The narrow minded hullabaloo everyone made yesterday over Zille’s statement has taken away from any potential conversation that could’ve been had about a kid in the Eastern Cape who will never get to start a blog and get to have an open mind.

Top Ten Reasons why your RIM BlackBerry is a 3310.


10. The big BIS button is broke.

9. This is a loyalty test.

8. Ubersocial for blackberry and the neanderthals who use it over loaded the RIM servers.

7. Steve Jobs has nothing to do with this, but whatever. Everyone is telling big jokes about this one.

6. Desmond Tutu was praying for a better world. RIM got caught in the crossfire.

5. Loyiso Gola did it! For better jokes shem. That kid is dry!!!

4. Someone in the ANC got an executive position at RIM…this what happened on day one.

3. RIM employees are Springboks supporters…depression hit hard.

2. Al Qaeda did it. When we wake up tomorrow England will be Bungra-land.

And the number one reason why your BlackBerry is a 3310,

1. Its 60 rands! The fuck did you expect for 60 rands? Sit Down!!!

As the counting draws to an end. ByeBye Local Elections


These election have opened my eyes to a few things that I guess I’ve known for a long time. The ANC is running our country and spending our taxes. They’re capable and they have resources. We give them power, we are the people. We must have opinions and we must voice them. I’m feeling like a bit of a heretic tonight. So most of the following will not be in my humble opinion. And again I say, I am not anti ANC or pro DA.

Our people are still shaken by apartheid. We’re still crippled by it. In the way we think, in the things we say, in how we act and more importantly how we fail to act.

Riding on what Allister Sparks calls “The gatvol factor”, isn’t going to win votes. Opposition parties are, and reasonably so, under the impression that people being gatvol of bad services will win them votes. The ANC has a weapon that surpasses the gatvol factor. Its called devotion.

Today someone  tweeted “Not about race? why do all white voters PROUDLY vote DA and black ppl r made to feel stupid for voting ANC w/ words like blind”. I replied to this tweet by quoting what an ANC supporter said on telly, “If u are ANC, u stay ANC. If u my brother , u stay my brother. YOU DONT JUST CHANGE AND BECOME A WOMAN”.  I can’t speak for the man who said this, but I can’t help but doubt how sober his thoughts are, drunk on devotion. People are not stupid for voting ANC, they are stupid for such utterances. The ANC is aware of such banter and does nothing to discourage. I’m willing to go as far as to say the ANC encourages it. ANC supporters are not in good company, and the ANC has no qualms with this. Don’t even get me started on the violence that nearly broke out in the Midvaal when the DA won.

The socio-economic status quo of the ANC strong-holds speak volumes of why these places are ANC strong-holds. I wonder how much the DA has done to actually try to win over these constituencies. So much effort goes into winning the money constituencies (the big metros). Does the DA really care about:

  • The ANC is leading in Aganang [Moletji/Matlala] with 86.5%.
  • The ANC is leading in Ba-Phalaborwa [Phalaborwa] with 82.72 %
  • Blouberg The ANC is leading Blouberg [Bochum/My Darling] with 92.08%

Granted these are small municipalities, but how much does the DA care about them? I deliberately chose from constituencies in Limpopo because it’s the furthest province from the Western Cape, a DA strong hold.

Last word

A question that I should have asked myself at the beginning of the elections: How do you win votes and influence people? I have no idea. Hoping that I’ll be blogging in the next elections, I’ll open with this line.

P.S. Every election the DA gains ± 2% of votes. So in roughly ±27yrs (national and local election, ±9 elections) Jesus is coming. If you believe the words of your president. Hehe.

Politics should never be about brand loyalty.

Top Ten Reasons Why Zille is Godzille (Threat to the ANC)


10. She speaks fluent Xhosa.

9. She’s an attractive woman.

8. Botox injects affect parts of the brain and can make you crazy.

7. That sidekick of her’s, Lindiwe Mazibuko.

6. Angela Merkel went to her house for tea.

5. She’s learnt a few moves and will soon be able to get down like JZ.

4. She did an expo on Steve Biko’s murder and was arrested for it.

3. The bull balls to call the president a womanizer who puts his wives at risk of contracting HIV.

2. The world is a big place, when you win “Mayor of the World” you are not to be taken lightly.

And the number one reason why Helen Zille is a real threat.

1. See the picture below.

Godzille

Politics are a product, Politicians are salesmen


ANC vs DA

Contrary to popular belief,   I do not hate the ANC and I am not a DA supporter.

The local elections are coming up soon, and it’s time I give my 2 cents on them. I’m going to put it out there right now, and this I my belief, I don’t expect anyone to agree.  You have two choices the ANC or the DA. These are the products I want to talk about. These are OMO and Surf, everyone else is Family Favourite, No name or  -what I’d like to call- the SS (Surprise Surprise) brand, COPE.

This is basically Voting For Dummies. If you are like me, and you don’t claim to know more than you do, you’ll understand that no one really knows what’s going on in Politics. We only know what we are told, by the media, OMO and Surf, about themselves and about each other. Sir Winston Churchill, was a wise man (drunks usually are). He was famous for saying a lot of things that amuse the masses. He once said: “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average
voter”.  This could mean a lot of things.

  • We are fed so many lies/truths/stories/hoopla that we can’t be trusted to make an
    informed/sound decision.
  • We a apart of a society that believes/entertains Mboro (Paseka Motsoeneng), the pastor who infamously casts out demons out of girls by fingering them whist eating ice cream.
  • Maybe China has it right with their little to no democracy, because Hu Jintao (President of the PRC) is arguably the  world’s most intelligent leader.
  •  It could also mean that we are very emotional when it comes to voting for the person who will be running our home (country), this distracting us from the issues that really matter.

Democracy is a right vested in the population to choose the person (Zuma ANC/Zille DA), who will lead us to a better and more prosperous life. Words of focus being person, choose and better.

Back to politics being a product, and politicians the salesmen

I was watching Special Assignment a few days ago and they were basically talking about Zuma and Zille. Lebohang Pheko said a lot of things that actually made me come to the realisation that politics is actually a product and politicians the salesmen. She said that President Zuma, like to carry himself as the people’s person. He wants to be that friendly uncle we all love. And Helen Zille wants to come through as the new face of South Africa, as that white woman who understands what it is to be a struggling South African. Clips where than shown of both Helen and Jacob dancing for our votes. Yes they dance for our votes (I hate it when they dance).

Consider OMO and Surf, they both wash clothes, I don’t think one is particularly better than the other, but they sure would like to think so, or rather make us think so. We don’t know what goes into making OMO or Surf. These are homogeneous products, when you don’t like the other, you switch and move on because FOR CRYING OUT LOUD you want clean clothes. It’s not that deep.

We need to think of politics in the same light. If these politicians are going to dance and use all kinds of rhetoric and bashing, then we cannot be so emotionally invested in deciding who to vote for. These guys are playing dirty, and we care too much about the things that don’t matter. We must stop thinking of the ANC as “Mandela” and the DA as “White”. We need to see them as what they are, OMO and Surf.

What I’m saying is, apartheid, race, dancing, bashing, how people died so you can vote, etc are NOT indicators on who is the better person to wash you clothes, the facts are. If you are going to vote please only consider the FACTS!!! I’ll post some facts up later.

IN MY HUMBLE OPINION

Top ten reasons why The DA might take over Pretoria


10. They will fix potholes, and we believe them.
9. COPE supporters don’t have options.
8. The DA, for the first time, has a presence in TUT, apparently its doing well.
7. The ANC insists that Marabastad smells like adventure.
6. Yuppies in Centurion.
5. Sightings of white Waterkloof women (WWW) wearing Carvellas.
4. The cheese girls and boys of Attridgeville/Mabopane/Soshanguve.
3. Those moments when Jacaranda FM plays HHP. All 3 of them.
2. The colder weather will simmer down all the hot heads come voting day.
And the number ONE reason why the DA might take the PTA.
1. Universal Taxi Rank!!! The people are tired!!!