Ye Cigarettes My Addiction/Lifestyle/Habit


So here’s the thing, I’m a smoker. I’ve been on the cancer sticks since 2007 and man what can I say, it’s been great.  Nothing beats sucking on all that death when I’m tightly wound up and just need to calm down. Feels good just holding it and seeing the Grim Reaper’s soot leave my lungs, body and mouth; gives me such a good realise. Don’t even get me started on a good smoke after sex.

Problem is…smoking is disgusting!!! It’s honestly one of the grossest of vices. We all know this. It doesn’t even matter why people smoke, which is by the way a stupid question. I always want to kick people in their teeth when they ask me that question. But I guess it’s somewhat of a perplexity for people who don’t do it. But there’s hope. I’m glad to announce that I’m well on my way to quitting.

The last cigarette I had was on the 4th of December 2011. I wasn’t even planning on quitting. Thing is I had one of those weekends where I smoked like British American Tobacco had me on retainer. Between Friday and Sunday I had a little over 40 cigarettes. Pretty vile innit? On Sunday evening, I spat out phlegm that tasted and felt like an active ingredient in an atomic bomb. Just like that I knew that I don’t ever want to have that taste in my mouth ever again.

It’s been great really, I don’t crave a cigarette, it’s more like I want one. There are key moments in my everyday living when I just feel and think to myself “now this right here is a Marlboro light moment”. But the moments pass and I soon get over it. Today is slightly different though. I’m feeling somewhat uneasy.

I’m meeting up with one of my best mates. We’ve been smoking together for ages. It’ part of our repertoire. Conversation, fag and drink. We’ve been pees in a pot for over four years now and (not to pull a statistic out of my ass) 80% of the time we’ve been together has been shared with death’s little agents. I feel like I’ll be messing with the dynamic of our friendship if I refuse to have a fag. When I say dynamic, I mean it purely on a superficial level. As shallow as it is, we are a very superficial people.

Oh, I should also mention that I also decided to stop drinking. But I have no real cause for that except that drinking makes me crave a cigarette like you won’t imagine. It’s like a free hooker’s oral fixation in there, quite bad. Now I know my friend and 99.99% of all my friends will have none of that. So I’ll just drink in moderation today and try by all means to avoid smoking. If I should decide to fag, I won’t be too hard on myself. Good thing about this particular friend is that I only get to see her once a month. So it’s worth it. I think…

P.S. My friend and I aren’t your average smokers. We’re actually fit people who exercise regularly. We don’t look anything like smokers and have often been told we look much younger than we are. Yes smoking will catch up with us (well more her, coz I’m kinda done), but when we turn back to have a look…we still have a solid twenty years. I should say, she’s a doctor she can back it up.

P.P.S Fuck you!!! You know who you are. I wish you would read this here post and know that this “fuck you” is for you. This is for making me feel like less of a human because of this, my one flaw (at least the only obvious one). #BitterEx

I saw a light and it wasn’t love


I saw a light

A short story.

She always thought of herself as a very passionate person, but on this morning Lesedi woke up feeling as though her soul was a decaying corpse. She knew that something had to be done. Life could not carry on this way.

It was a November morning like any other. The sun shone into her bedroom with rays of light coming through the cracks between the curtains, swiftly hitting the foot of her bed. She looked at them with more appreciation than ever before as they echoed the perspective she needed. “This light” she thought to herself, “I need this light”.

Lesedi then felt the darkness in her life moving. She moved to greet it with a smile which she’d been lying about for a few months now. “Good morning my love” she said to her boyfriend of three years Themba. He greeted her back. She hesitated to kiss him, which didn’t matter because Themba always kissed Lesedi every morning when he got up. The kiss resulted in an unsentimental indifference she’d never felt before in her life. At that moment Lesedi knew that it had to end. She was going to break up with him.

She quickly looked at the foot of her bed again, to see the light that she had now decided was a symbolic of what she needed to do. She felt herself drifting back to the place she was in before Themba woke up. A place of perspective. A beautiful Aurora Borealis that she wants her life to be. The light reminded her of a much more jubilant Lesedi. A lighter Lesedi.

Themba Gumede was a good man and an even better boyfriend. He had his flaws, but he adored Lesedi and loved her like she was his only hope at happiness. Lesedi knew this and every time she experienced this love she’d die a little more inside. She was however grateful for Themba. He had helped her grow up as a person in so many ways. He’d been a witness to all her trials and tribulations, without ever skipping a beat. He was the kind of man who a lot of girls would kill for. Yes, he was great, but it felt like it was a convenient love. Most of the time she felt like a trophy and an Italian sports car, she had fallen prey to her vanity. But she’d reach a point where she felt hollow and empty like the very trophy and car.

She would often think of all the things her friend Palesa had been through with her alcoholic boyfriend Meshack. She’d thank God she’s not like Neo, who was a mile away from her wedding aisle but found out her boyfriend had multiple affairs. Her friends didn’t have much luck with love. She was the envy of all them. Little did they know that making love for her felt like being an expensive blow up doll at the best of times and a masturbatory tool at the worst of times. So she decided that she was not going to discuss leaving Themba with any of her friends. She knew exactly how it would go.

Neo had the best theory about how women left men a theory that would derail her. According to Neo women are nature’s forensic auditors, they scrutinize everything before leaving a man. They assess things over extended periods of time. Once they feel comfortable with the information gathered, they start leaving the relationship emotionally. Then only once they are sure of all things do they officially break up. Woman need to be sure before making any move. She backed this up through several scenarios. She was indeed toasted that night. The girls were all sold on this theory. Lesedi felt that she needed to fast forward everything and get all her empirical audit evidence today and leave today.

Themba got out of bed and took a shower. Lesedi lied in bed lifeless for a minute. She gathered her thoughts and all the strength she could muster to start her day. At least he didn’t try to have sex with me, she thought. She laughed at the idea of giving him one for the road as she put on her gown to go make breakfast. On her way to the kitchen she contemplated exactly how she was going to do it. She kept wishing it was a working day. The logistics of leaving Themba would work so much better if his day plans were set in stone. She however had no intentions of waiting for Monday. This had to happen today.

Just as she was about to crack the first egg, Themba walked in the kitchen. She immediately asked him if he had any plans for the day. The last time she need a yes in her life so badly was when she applied to Wits Business School. Luckily he had errands to run. “How long do you think you’re going to be” she asked sounding as calm as possible, as not to raise any suspicion. “I won’t be long honey, don’t worry” he responded. “Do you want something to eat before you go?” she asked. She realised that by trying to sound cool, she ended up sounding flippant. Themba felt like there was a right answer to this question. He got nervous, he didn’t understand why. Little did he know.

Themba decided to grab a bite to eat and he hugged her with the love and affection she’d grown accustomed to. She felt like such a delicate flower in Themba’s arms. For a split second she felt insane for wanting to leave the man who was clearly her Adonis. The hug ended, but the feeling of doubt stayed with her for a little while as Themba let go and walked out.

Lesedi prided herself in being the kind of young woman who always had a plan. She was what her best friends called organised chaos. Her impulsiveness came in ideas which had to be flawlessly executed. But this was different, this was about a man she did indeed fall in love with. She poured herself a glass of orange juice and moved to lounge for some serious reflection.

To be continued

 

A few good people


How we stayed friends

I am a good friend. I think anyone who is a friend is presumed to be a good. Good friends, even great ones are and can be very flawed people and no amount of love and respect for the other friend will change this.

I grew up as an only child. I realised this more when I got to varsity. In high school I pretty much kept to myself. I only socialised to survive what I believe were the most dishonest years of my life in terms of who I am. Things were different when I got to varsity. In knowing yourself you need to surround yourself with a few good people and have them be mirrors that reflect your true self while doing the same for them.

Anyways, when I got to varsity I realised that I do not understand my peers. I remember thinking that people have so many feelings. Feelings about everything and feelings towards each other. I only had to ever deal with my own feelings. But for the first time in my life I had to deal with other people’s feelings. This was a game of trial and error for me. It was a skill I had to learn. A skill most children with siblings are fortunate enough to learn at very young age.

I tried to make sense of things in my own way. I think a lot and when something does not make sense to me I do not entertain it. People and their feelings did not make sense. I had to, however, persevere I needed friends to bear witness to my life and my experiences.

The first thing that occurred to me is that we are not forced by any force to be in friendship with anyone. This led a few people to think that I’m very picky and wayward. There were certain people I just did not want to be around. The same people hadn’t particularly done anything to me, but I just wanted nothing to do with them. But I had mutual friends with them.  So that was my first lesson. For friends you have to be cool with other people you don’t care at all for.

Then my only child syndrome reared its ugly head. I became selfish with my friends. I had fallen in love with them. Now I had to share them with people I didn’t even want to acknowledge as part of the human race. You see! That’s how extreme it was. I felt like my friends were mine because of the work I had to put in to get to call them friends. I’d do crazy somersaults in my head when my friends would inadvertently complain about these other friends to me. I didn’t understand. I would often feel like their other friends don’t even deserve them. I explored the possibility that hey, maybe I’m also a friend just like them. Maybe my friends also complained about me to their other friends. I learnt to deal with this and decided that feelings cannot always be trusted; sometime I just need to put them away.

I got to understand my friends. I got to accept them for exactly who they were. I can’t emphasise that enough. I accepted my friends for exactly who and what they are. I was in love. I had kind of found out what it was like to have siblings.

As time went by I realised that cracks were starting to appear in the reflective mirror of friendship. I was not being seen for who and what I was. In some cases I too would find myself unsatisfied with the work (or lack thereof) my friends were putting into the friendship garden. So I went a little crazy. I stopped speaking to my best friend for 6 months! I was cursed by unsentimental indifference I actually didn’t care. Six months later my crazy subsided. I called my friend, peace was restored. What we both agreed on is that we didn’t stop being friends at any point. We just stopped talking. Thing is I got mad, he got mad and we were both mad. But it was temporary. Everything that led to us not talking was temporary. Our friendship was however not. I was humbled by the idea that a friendship is people choosing to forever learn each other, understand each other. It’s working through temporary nonsense when it comes up. It’s been 6years plus and we are still going strong. LOL, we’re actually not talking right now but whatever. I say whatever but I’m always a little agitated when I’m not speaking to my buddy.

Today

I recently lost a dear friend to mindless banter that I apologised for. I was forgiven but the damage was apparently irreparable, so I got dumped for life. I’m still in shock really. But that’s the problem right there. When do great friendships end? What do we consider enough of a reason to completely shut someone out of your life for all time? Is there ever a reason?

I once had a conversation with @Miss__TC about friendship. She said that some of her friends have become so paramount to her existence that there’s nothing that would separate them. She further went on to say that even if they slept with her husband, she’d have to fuck them up and probably go to therapy with them. But she will not lose her friends.

I feel like this about some of the friends in my life. Mind you there aren’t many. Very few actually. But when do we reach this point that @Miss__TC is referring to? What marks that point of absolute friendship that is as divine as any gift from God?

Friends will hurt you in ways that you cannot imagine. Sometimes they won’t even understand how much they have hurt you. You will do the same to them too. But it needs to be okay. These things need to be dealt with. If you cannot, then you don’t know your friend. It means you have no faith in the good nature of the person you have come to love.

Post Script

I have friends I speak to every 4 months or less. But each time it’s like we never skipped a beat! God bless you guys. You get that friendship doesn’t have to be like the White House garden. It can be tended when need be. If I feel its time, I’ll holla…if you feel its time holla. It works. Thank you for making friendship real, simple, easy, convenient and everything else that takes away unnecessary pressure. You guys know me well.

To my angels P&L. You are my family.