How to spot a hooker in the day


Haven’t blogged in ages. Been doing life things or just taking a break I don’t know.

 

It was two o’clock in the afternoon and I was waiting for my sister outside the shops at one of Lynwood’s many shopping complexes.

As I was waiting, I noticed this lady (not really) walking to get to the ATMs. I should say right now that I’m a very observant person, especially of random things that probably won’t mean/amount to anything. Anyways, a few seconds into my observing this woman, I noticed a few things that led me to believe that she was a prostitute. I’ll be first to admit that sometimes my imagination runs rampant and I get questionable ideas brewing in my mind, but on this occasion I feel justified. Here is how I came to the realization that this lady was a tramp.

Gait

The way she walked was the first thing that made me notice her. It was a very peculiar gait, one that I was not familiar with. At first I thought she had some sort of disability, but no, she just walked funny. She seemed to use the arch of her feet more than necessary especially considering that she was wearing flats. She looked a tad bit uncomfortable or at least not used to walking in flats. I didn’t understand until I noticed more irregularities.

Calf Muscles

She had toned calf muscles which didn’t really go well the rest of her. I knew for sure she wasn’t someone who believed in regular exercise. Her calves rivalled Zola Bud’s (okay, maybe Helen Hunt’s) but still. This is the point where my mind started running rampant, I got it in me that if someone wore clear 8 inch heels everyday and had to stand and walk around in them…they would have calves like these. These were 8 inch clear heel wearing calves and I had to see if there’s more evidence. And there was.

Skin Tone

This was a black woman, but she was a yellow-bone (fair skinned black people are called yellow-bones by not so fair skinned black people). Her yellow-bonedness was however very compromised…think Happy Sindane’s skin tone. I want to say she looked pale, but not really. Imagine the skin tone a Khoisan would have if she’d never been kissed by the sun. Like she had a serious vitamin C deficiency (don’t even know what that would do to the skin, but I imagine it would result in her kind of skin tone). Like yellow leather seats that have been left outside after months of sun and rain…yes something like that. And like we all know, hookers don’t see much of the sun.

Thing is she didn’t look homeless or nothing. I had to find more hooker evidence. I did.

Hair

Her hair nearly threw me of my game. It was as nappy as fuck nuts! Think Whoopi Goldberg’s pubs in The Colour Purple (unnecessary hyperbole). But yes it was just that bad. If we still had the pencil test, The Whiteman would deport her to freaken Gabon. In my mind I thought it looked like she’d been wearing a beanie for the past 20 years or something. Then it hit me…wigs!!! Wigs are exactly like beanies, we’ll they should at least have the same effect on hair. So I was back on my game and things just kept getting better.

Nails

Once I noticed how lovely her nails were I had that “Cell-C tell someone” moment. Her nails looked lovely. They were gorgeous. Why would you have hair like that and hot nails? Because you are a hooker in the day time! That’s why! I was convinced. But I kept looking just in case.

At this point she was done using the ATM. I witnessed the same walk and was now looking at her in a whole different light. But something exciting happened!!!

She stepped into the SUN!!!

Guys! Away from the shade of the building she totally exposed herself. The glaring rays of sunshine had her looking disoriented and perplexed. The look was unmistakeable; it was like when Eric Northman (vampire from True Blood) stepped into the sun after hundreds of years. I couldn’t help it, I laughed so hard sitting there by myself.

So there you have it guys! Now you two can see if you can spot a hooker in the day. It is in how they walk, their calf definition, tone of their skin, how their hair looks, the nails and if you’re lucky their reaction to the sun.

 

Postscript

  • Although some of the things in this blog post are exaggerated for dramatic effect, they really are not far from the truth.
  • Also this poor woman could be a victim of Apartheid or The ANC’s trifling ways. So ya: Dear ANC people look like hookers (and maybe even are) because of you! #Jokes #OrNot
  • This actually happened last year December. I found myself thinking about blogging about it a few minutes ago when I was “studying”. Procrastination is so much fun.
  • I’m actually very fascinated by hookers. If I ever write an award winning anything trust me, a hooker will be in the storyline.
  • I must also mention that when I was in varsity a friend of mine and I ran a soup kitchen from res for the homeless people of Mowbray (Cape Town). On a few occasions these two hookers had some of our soup. Very nice people. Never saw them during the day…ever.

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. Someone very wise said this. Don’t remember who. This is particularly true for someone who has tons of work to do and a blog account.

 

Call Girl Princess


So I’ve been studying! Bleh! It really sucks! I haven’t blogged in ages, and I needed to take a break to relax. I wrote a lil story. I’m actually going to try to finish this one in between my study breaks. Here’s part one of God knows how many parts.

She knew what she was and sometimes it would bother her, but on most days her life felt normal and beige, as unbearable as could be at times. When she’d reflect on her earlier years, she’d get hit by acute stings of depression. These days were like bitter cold winter days for which she’d always have a warm coat for. And when it got colder, she’d find new ways to keep warm. New ways to desensitise her heart. New ways to feel less. New ways to separate herself from herself.

Thembisa would convince herself that everyone is selling something and that she is no different. This offered her little comfort, but as the last thought before she passed out from binge drinking, it was something. The truth was however inescapable and no amount of alcohol or cocaine would change that, no matter how hard she tried. On a good night she was a prostitute and she didn’t mind. It was those nights when she was a whore and felt like even less that bothered her. She felt trapped and helpless. Like a victim of circumstance always rehashing how she found herself in this vile place. At her lowest moments she’d often thank God that her parents passed away when she was younger, she knew how much they loved her. The thought of her being a prostitute would kill them.

Things were however about to turned around for Thembisa. She was to become a professional. What had seemed as a way of survival was to turn into a career.

It was a night like any other. She was pulling tricks on the corner of Yvette and Troy. A car rolled up in front of Thembisa and she was solicited for her services. She thought nothing of it and jumped into the car when the door was opened for her. They exchanged greetings and the man introduced himself as Tshepo. This came as a welcomed surprise to Thembisa as she’s not used to anyone introducing themselves so openly without asking for a price list first. “Maybe he’s a newbie” she thought to herself, but it was odd, he was a little too confident for someone who’d never done this before. She was quick to respond, so not as to seem like she’s coy and can be taken advantage of. “I’m Daisy Tshepo, what can I do for you this evening?” Tshepo looked at Thembisa and smiled. His smile put Thembisa at ease, although she was still very alert as these men never turn out to be what they appear. Tshepo proposed that they go to a hotel. Thembisa was thrilled as this only happened once in a blue moon. Usually she used the Blue Shark Motel three blocks from her working corner.

On their drive to the hotel Tshepo was very quiet, which came as a surprise to Thembisa. In her experience men who chose to use a hotel wanted the girlfriend/mistress experience. She didn’t mind the silence though. She was enjoying the music Tshepo had playing on his radio. He was playing R’nB hits from the mid to late eighties. They brought back so many memories for Thembisa. As she stared out the window, she reminisced about how much her father loved playing the very same music as he’d do the garden at her old home in the township of Midupi. “I’m a long way from home” she thought to herself. She gathered herself and decided to engage Tshepo in conversation to avoid any romanticized feelings.

“So Tshepo, tell me what you do”, she said coolly, playing the role of Daisy. “I’m a businessman” he replied, in a rather curt fashion that threw Thembisa off. She didn’t know whether to believe him or not. He was placid enough to appear to be a businessman, but then again there was something sleazy about him that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. He was after all soliciting her for sex. That had to be it. She regretted initiating conversation, but she had already gotten the ball rolling and she wasn’t going to sit in an awkward silence which made her feel defeated. She knew she had to respond.

“Everyone is a businessman these days. I too consider myself a businesswoman” she retorted with a sneer. Tshepo took his eyes of the road and looked at her with an intrigued smile on his face. Thembisa knew she had him. She’d broken the proverbial ice. Tshepo let out a little chuckle. “I think you’re more of a saleswoman, than a businesswoman. Oh and look, we’re already here. Can’t wait to see what you’re selling”. They drove into the parking lot of a decent F1 hotel she had been to before. For the girls of Yvette and Troy an F1 hotel was as good as it got.

Thembisa’s fun was officially over. Tshepo’s comment got her feeling like the commodity and she knew it was time to go to work. They got out of the car and walked into the hotel. Tshepo had already checked in, so they headed straight for his room. On the way there Tshepo suddenly became very chatty much to Thembisa’s chagrin, but she had to keep up with him. She contributed enough so as not to seem cold and withdrawn, but also not too much because he didn’t want to encourage Tshepo. When they finally got to his room Thembisa was glad that it was almost over. She’d collect her money, bed him and find her way home.

At this time she’d realised that Tshepo was yet to ask her what her rates were. She placed her bag on the first chair she saw and said “So Tshepo, let’s get to business”.

To be continued
Off to study now! Fml!!!

Gold Digging for dummies Part Deux


Gold digging for dummies

Part 2

I’m back with part deux of Gold Digging for Dummies (GDD). I last left you when you were being an attention seeking pro. You’ve flirted, you’ve smiled, you’ve flipped your hair, and you’ve spilt water on your cleavage. You have done great and I’m proud of
you. You’ve been listening. So now it’s time meet your minister of finance, transport, tourism, social development, arts culture and recreation and if you’re lucky minister of housing too. All in ONE.

 

First Encounters

A middle-aged man (or much older) comes to you and says hello. First thing to always remember, DO NOT phapha, it’s very
unattractive. That will send him straight into the arms of your alcoholic friend she won’t have as much sass as you. Calm down! Look him straight in the eye and casually say hello. Now, if you do this right you won’t fail. Please pay attention.

Like I said before, these men had dreams when they were younger. But these dreams needed money, money they didn’t have yet. Now they do, but they’re old and sleeping with the same woman every single damn night! Now here you are, introducing an important component in that dream, YOUTH.

 

On this first encounter you are going to give him that very thing he desired. They say “youth is wasted on the youth”, it’s true the elderly know this. This man can appreciate youth, because it’s something he will never have again. So what do you do? Simple, treat him exactly how you would treat any other young respectable black man. Do NOT at any point make him feel old, or say anything that would remind him of his gut, his druggy teenager or his dried up wife.

Make small talk!!!

 

How to have a conversation 101

Here’s a party trick I learnt: to be in control of a conversation, you need to get the other person speaking more than you. Vehemently agree and disagree to everything without saying much at all. Ask a LOT of questions that make you seem genuinely
interested. Nod frequently and always find the perfect moments to smile. When he starts asking you questions about you, answer them with anecdotes that will again engage him.

Don’t talk about things that someone his age wouldn’t know. Suiker pa’s don’t like the feeling of knowing less than their concubines about anything! Unless if you have a very intelligent worldly thing to say about twitter, you must shut up about new age things. Again, you’re there to make him feel half his age.

To practice you should watch sharp rom coms, which have intelligent and highly suggestive innuendo. Show that you can more than just physically stimulate. Be a trophy, shine! Ultimately you’ll be asked what you do. Trophy ≠ Waitress.

Job vs Career, if you have a job dress it up

I don’t like discriminating, but like Chris Rock said, some people have jobs and some people have careers. Saying I’m a bank teller, waitress/hostess, receptionist, char lady, etc is NOT ATTRACTIVE.

Things to say if you have job:

  • I’m in sales – Department store correct size fetcher
  • I’m in customer relations – Call centre employee
  • Communications officer – Receptionist

You’re not ashamed of what you do, but really for obvious reasons you need to just dress things up. It’s not lying. If you’re going to be honest, you best start finding someone to play a violin in the background. Jobs suck; aint no one trying to hear about your job.

 

It’s getting late

Your friends are getting anxious and they need a change of scenery. You’ve gotten all you can from this evening. Say your good byes and hope he asks for your number. You must not, I repeat, you must NOT offer your digits. None of this is your idea!
Very NB. Be patient, wait for pops to get his mojo going. When he asks for your number try to appear a little apprehensive. Give them to him nonetheless.

What if he’s brave and severely avid? What if he asks to go home with you?

NO! Never! Yes, well done, I know you strongly believe “It’s just sex”, but you need to be a lady, this isn’t a limber looking off duty bus boy from Melville. This time you care what a man thinks of you. Doesn’t matter how interested he is, sex so soon will
turn you into a Chicken Licken snack box. You are easy not cheap. He needs to earn it (not really), and get to know its tacit T’s and C’s before he gets to eat it.

Please don’t think this is the last chance you have. I can’t emphasis enough how important it is not to put out on just after meeting a guy. Sex seals the deal, make sure there’s one before you let him plough your garden.

 

And so it begins

Don’t play GI-Hoe

When he calls, don’t try to be cool. Instantly make him aware that you know exactly who he is, and you’re glad he called. Make this first phone call very short. Abruptly mention a date then make something up to end the call. Make him promise to call you in
thirty minutes. Be sweet and sincere about it. He’ll call the second time and you’re going to give him all the attention he needs. GET A DATE!!!

 

First Date

Your first date will not be glamorous. It’ll probably be at a place where he won’t run into anyone he knows. It’s going to be some random hotel that’s known for hosting Avon presentations. Don’t be too disappointed. Be lucky that you’re with someone who
still has a little shame. This will work to your advantage.

Wear something you’d wear to meet up with your dad. This is to avoid prying eyes. You don’t need a 1000 eyes throwing daggers at you when you’ve got important work to do. You need to be vigilant and observant on the first date. Look out for the following to make a provisional judgement on the future of this courtship:

  • Is he as interesting as the last phone call?
    • Are you feeling awkward?
    • Are you able to say something to each other? There’s no point if you can’t have a
      conversation with this man.
  • His body language, how much of his body is angled directly at you?
    • Like animals mark their territory, do you feel marked?
    • Is he leaning into you?
    • Where is he looking? Is he constantly zeroed in on you, or does he keep turning his
      head? For fears of being judged?
  • His wedding finger, is there a ring? Or mark that one was there five minutes ago?
    • This will determine what kind of person he is.
    • If he’s married and lying about it, know that you have to pull stunts or this won’t
      last long at all.
    • If there are no indications of a marriage, you can relax just a little bit.
  • How often does he fidget his phone?
    • If he’s slick his phone will be off.
    • If he ignores/rejects call be very scared.
    • If he constantly looks at his phone, he’s terrified of getting caught. Distract him,
      make him feel easy.

 

You should know have a clearer picture of what this man is about or at least what he purports to be. After this comes the hectic stuff. You need to at this point look deeply inside of yourself to see if you can go ahead with this.

Are you ready to tango with devil? Can you sleep with this man? Being generous with the word trust, can you still ‘trust’ him?

There’s no turning back once you say “yes”?

To be contiinued

And remember, women were born to be mothers and men were born to be daddies.

The eagles and The hornets


The eagles and The hornets

I was shy when he tried to kiss me

Then he showed me his beautiful smile

My eyes met his, the sky opened up

I opened my mouth and he blew new life into me

I protested with glee when he groped my bosom

Then he took my hand and placed it on his chest,

I felt his rhythm and my soul was at ease

I opened myself and he held all of me

I giggled with hesitation when his hands ran down my thighs

Then he whispered sweet nothings in my ear

My body went all tingly, my knees went weak

I opened my legs and he fiddled with my love nest

My mind was racing

The stars were falling

With my eyes wide shut, my heart said stop

With my body tensed up, my mind said no

As my mouth opened to speak,

It was too late, he was inside of me

With shame and humiliation I got up,

Weeping inside I smiled and said my name

He said his but I soon forgot

But I’ll always remember

My first time

Raging Staccato

Gold Digging For Dummies


Gold digging for dummies

Part 1

 

A friend of mine recently got propositioned by a wealthy older man. She wasn’t too sure what to do, but she decided to give him her numbers anyways to see how this was going to play out. She tried to convince herself that it wasn’t for the money, but she knew that would be a lie (and I told her so).

 

So then it just dawned on me, let me just blog about it and see what I can come up with. Gold digging can get very dicey when you’re a newbie so I thought it would be wise to explore it. Just in case some of you want to get into it, and you have a few questions on how to get you started on your franchise.

 

Questions to test if this self-help blog is for you

  • Do you want to live a life beyond your means?
  • Are you lazy?
  • Do you often feel like your looks are all you have?
  • Are you desperate?
  • Do you often say: “I’m tired of broke niggers”?
  • Do you really think “it’s only sex”?

If you’ve answered yes to four of these six question, you’re definitely who I’m trying to help with this. I’m going to guide you step by step on how to become a gold digger and still come out of it fine.

Disclaimer: Results will vary depending on your commitment. I accept no liability for; black eyes,  venereal disease, emotional distress (please don’t catch feelings, to be addressed later) and any other damages, financial/physical/emotional or otherwise.

 

 

What you’re getting yourself into

 

I don’t think you need to be completely amoral, but for this to be a success you have to be willing to kill a chunk part of your soul. There are some people who choose to view this differently, but I don’t. It’s a dirty dirty thing this gold digging bees-knees. People don’t think that gold digging is prostitution, I think it is. Well it’s not exactly the same:

  • you only have one client, unless if you’re a workaholic,
  • the hours are better,
  •  the working conditions  range from the back of a Ranger Rover to the Protea hotel on the N1 to Pretoria
  • the pay can be anything from a few expensive meals to a mini cooper
  • there’s no pimp
  • no need to worry about getting arrested

It’s white collar prostitution. You have more to offer than just sex. This is why you’re doing this. You’re smarter than Thembisile on Oxford road at 2 o’clock in the morning. As such, you’re going to earn more and you need to look better.

 

Be hot or go home!

 

You’re not just getting paid to have sex. You’re getting paid to make these men feel like everything they never felt in high school, varsity and their earlier working days. As a gold digger you are selling a fantasy. Think of yourself as a Ferrari. This man has worked really hard, now he’s in a place in his life where he can have the sports car he’s always wanted as a young boy. You are that Ferrari.

 

BE a sleek, well styled Italian sports car. Eat right and exercise on the regular.

At all times you must:

  • have you hair did,
  • have your nails done,
  • make sure your boobs be perky like two boners,
  • smell like new expensive leather (the best smell in the world),
  • dress like you’re being followed by the paparazzi,
  • carry yourself like the lady you’re not

If you don’t know what I’m talking about please visit www.ferrari.com. Look at the videos and the picture. Try to be like the car only human. Be this at all times why? Because you will never know!!!

 

Location! Location! Location!

 

You can meet a potential client anywhere! This is why you must always look your best at times. These gold mines are fully functioning members of society. The best ones won’t traditionally be at a Pick n Pay, they have people doing grocery runs for them. But look you’re only getting started, so this is where you start. Start shopping for your groceries in affluent neighbourhoods. You’re going to pay a premium for the items you need, so only go there when you need a few items, so not as to kill your budget. I don’t want you completely strapped out for cash. This is where you’re going to find men who have strong women at home. These men have wives who are as ambitious and successful as they are. These are the men you want. The kind of man whose balls are in his wife’s Chanel purse. Men who don’t feel like men! They are the easy targets. You can make them feel likekings.

 

This is your training ground. This is where you find out what your worth is in ogles, winks and awkward hellos. Spot your target and be sly as you stalk him. Try to strike up a conversation where you act completely clueless about a product you’re both looking to buy. Learn how to accept attention from a family man who’s got a wife at home, and maybe even a little kid in tow. I know, it sounds terrible, but hey you need to build up your amorality somehow.

 

Learn when the sun is out, practice when the sun is down.

 

The big league

 

This is where it gets serious!

 

Its night time and gloves come off. Open a bottle of wine, call a couple of your friends, and get ready to go out. It’s very important to choose your friends right on a night reserved for excavating. The following friends must never be holla’d at:

  • friends with good careers going for them.
  • friends from wealthy families (running into an uncle is the last thing you need)
  • a friend who has ever sent you a bible verse
  • friends who don’t drink
  • friends who get Coyote Ugly after a few drinks
  • friends who are so hot they make you look like Whoopi Goldberg on a bad day
  • friends who say “choma” more than three times a day

The following are the friends you need to do this right:

  • friends who are constantly borrowing money from you
  • friends who are loose for no reason at all
  • friends who’ve never paid for a drink in their lives, not coz they’re prettier than you, but coz they’re smarter than you
  • friends who love free things
  • a friend who’s a heavy smoker
  • a friend who is as forward as an erection in tights

Don’t go in a big group. A group of three to four is perfect. You don’t want to look intimidating.

Now, it’s important you do your research. Read your news papers. Know where the hot spots are. Give up on your life of trying to trick a DJ into an unwanted pregnancy. You’re on to bigger things now. Go to places featured in life style magazines. Go to places where business executives go. A place that’s not too stuffy, but also south of tjovitcho. Something like this Wine Sense place in Melrose Arch.

I’m not even going to tell you how haute you must look. If you haven’t been paying attention at this point, you cannot be helped.

When you walking in…imagine Naomi Campbell on her first day on a major designers runway. This is the look you are looking for. A soft look, something that says yes, I’m a big deal, you just don’t know how big.

Start looking for where the big wigs are seated. Then you get your charm on. Turn it on, pump it up, its go time!!! Bambi eyes, vixen weave flips and gentle head tilted laughs. Use your hands when you speak, just enough to call attention to your chest. Don’t be loud! You’re not trying to be heard you’re trying to be seen for the gem you are.

Now depend on how much attention you’ve been paying this whole time. You should have someone’s attention at this point.

To be continued

Seven Days of Sex: Day 7, The End


THE LAST BIT

This is the final peace. I’m going to look at everything holistically. I’m hoping at the end of this we’re all going to find peace where SEX is concerned. My thoughts about this are all over the place. I want to make sense I might not. No pictures this time. Just bare.

 

The currency we give sex will depend on the kind of life you live, the kind of person you are and the things you want in life.

It used to be that society could only function with the notion that life can only “be”, if it is lived in a certain way. This way, in the context of a fully lived life was to get married, have sex and have children, I’m obviously speaking about a common society that most of our grandparents are products of. That was the big picture and it dictated the pattern we were meant to follow. The prophets, the saints, the bible, the churches and some families still keep this view sacred and to all these people and institutions it makes sense and it’s expected to work.

 

But things have changed. We live in a world that has allowed us to be exposed to so many different things. We live in a world where our thoughts, feelings and lives can be affected by things that were never really as exposed then as they are now. As time went by the most important thing for anyone to be was an individual. An individual not only governed by the prophets, the saints, the bible the churches, the families and most importantly an individual not imprisoned by the standards set by a society that is very flawed.

 

In the pursuit of becoming this individual, people are cultivated and moulded by the various things they are exposed to. Decisions made by these people can never be the same. Free will/the freedom to choose means that we are allowed to be who we want to be considering (limited to) all that we have been through and most importantly what we know/believe as right/wrong etc.

 

The way we conduct ourselves sexually is more linked to this than we would sometimes like to think. The problem arises when we are not confident it the choices we have made, and we reject/ignore the things life has taught us. Lessons are mistaken for calamities, and we often find that some lessons don’t agree with each other. This happens when life shows you A and the church (the God you serve, the system you’ve known and believed in for so long) say that A is wrong.  This is when most people find themselves in a cross roads and end up feeling in a tight corner unable to reconcile within and find a path that will ultimately work in life.

 

Sex-making love-fucking-copulating all mean one thing in terms of the action, but so much more in terms of the thought and intention behind it. We have sex because we choose to. Your reasons will be different according to your situation. We also don’t to have sex, because we choose to because of another kind of situation. The choice must be YOURS bound to only you and you must know your choice and stand by it. The individual’s reason for or against having sex must be respected.

 

Don’t for one second think that it’s impossible/improbable/unreasonable to be a virgin and save yourself for marriage because YOU failed at it, can’t or don’t want to. It is very possible. People are doing it. Some people try and they fail, because their expectation and their outlooks on life change. Or perhaps they’re seduced by whatever forces and become weak. At this point they’ve put themselves on a different path and find their sexual confidence in saying what they believed in was impossible anyways. When you stop believing in something it doesn’t make it any less than what it was when you believed in it.

The point I’m trying to make is that. Our reasons for having sex cannot be because the reasons not to have sex don’t work.

Your reasons for doing something cannot stem from the failure of a set of rules you do not believe in. They do not speak to you; they have nothing to do with you. Don’t go have mad sex and say the devout religious virgins are crazy, also don’t be a devout religious virgin and say the people having mad sex are crazy. Your ideals and values won’t work for everyone.

But the thing is you need to have ideals and values to be respected. Those ideals and values should include respecting other people’s ideals and values. Ultimately that’s the only way we can live in a world that doesn’t judge or discriminate.

Now that being said, it’s important to note that some people don’t have respect and values, for themselves or other people. When you are busy screwing at random and you claim you have ideals and values then you are not my friend and I have not time for you. What you need is perspective and a conversation with your father/mother/shrink/priest/pastor/friend/Madame/etc. There’s something undeniably morally deprived about people who sleep around. As liberal as one can be, there has to be some sort of moral anchor keeping our sexual abilities as humble as they can be.

 

This is my final verse. I don’t have much to say. This verse was meant to be about sexual freedom. I was going to make sex about expression. I was going to make it about love. I failed. In my final verse I’ve run out of steam.

 

Sex is can only be what you want it to be. Just always be at your best with it. Know where you stand always.

 

 

 

Seven Days of Sex: Day 6: Sex and Religion


Sex and Religion

 

This should be interesting as I don’t know much about religion and what it says about sex. Kids who’ve been to Sunday school, Madrasah and or Torah Jewish Sabbath School (if such exists) know a lot more than me. I don’t remember much of my Sunday school education.

So I gather we all know the biggy…sex before marriage is a sin.

Sex before marriage is a sin

Virgins raise your hands, anyone? Depending on how religious you are, you can either take this very seriously or not. I remember when I first had sex. I was an altar boy; I didn’t plan to have sex. It kind of just happened. When it did, I doubt “I have sinned against God” crossed my mind for a single second. And mind you, I was pretty religious back then. I even thought I’d become a priest.

Why is sex before marriage a sin? I have no freakin idea! So I asked around. If you don’t know ask. Here are the answers I got from the people I asked.

Homosexual: “A ke tsebe hle.” meaning I’ve got no idea.

Devout Christian: “Because biblically we are instructed not to engage sexually outside of marriage.”

Two Preacher’s daughters independently: “Because sex is intimate (sex joins your body and spirit to another) and we must only have it in a secure relationship. And that is what marriage is.”

I asked another buddy of mine. She proper schooled me! I had church on BBM. She proper broke it down. My blog isn’t church though…so moving along.

What I think is that sex is more than just sex. The bible recognises that. For whatever reason it’s made sin because of how sacred it is. The easiest way for me to think about it, is having the kind of a sex your parents would be proud of. I guess pride wouldn’t be the right word here, but I guess you know what I mean right? There a certain conditions (standards) that should exist before two people indulge in sex, marriage being the highest standard.

Basically sex before marriage is a sin because the bible says so. Sin is breaking divine or moral law. Let’s just always remember that there are a lot of ways to sin, and virginity does not guarantee a trip to heaven.

Side bar: This post is going so much worse than I thought it would. I think the altar boy in feels like he is being an absolute heathen. I’m going to ease my guilt by reading “Song of songs” in the bible. I was going to read it before finishing this post, but it really long. You guys should give it a look.

Exploring religious sexual sin

So let’s have a look at what little tidbits religion might or might not say about sex. Disclaimer: The following was heard from various friends while alcohol was being imbibed. Anyways, here are some of the stories I’ve heard about sex and religion.

The Catholics/Christians

According to strict Catholic dogma, sex is purely meant for reproduction. We are meant to only have sex for the purpose of making babies. That’s why the church is anti any form of birth control.

This obviously excludes any bum-fun, aint no one is going to get preggers from taking it in the bum. SideBar: Just remembered that scene from the movie Milk, when homophobe said: “Homosexuality is an abomination. Homosexual can’t even have babies.” And Sean Penn replied: “That is true, but we sure do try.” Hehehe. I think if the gays keep at it, by 2020, we’re going to have our first baby conceived from man lovin. The Vatican will be so mad! LOL.

The church is also not in favour of anyone practicing any pleasurable sexual acts on themselves (masturbation). Apparently that’s like killing babies, or wasting them or something or nothing.

Priests and Nuns aren’t allowed any sexy time either. Just last week my mom came home with a heavy heart. One of her favourite priest is having an affair with a nurse. I laughed, but she was very hurt by this. It’s not the first time this has happened in my diocese. One priest even got a parishioner preggers…obviously he got fired for it.

Abortions are a one way ticket to hell! The Catholics believe that life begins at conception.  Whether you were raped, unmarried, etc…though shall not abort!

Sommer gonna gooi oral sex as a no no, just in case one should jizz.

So, no masturbation, pleasure is for conceiving, no condoms, no abortions and no bum fun.

Islam

I’m not sure what’s going on here, I’ve only ever had a drink with one Muslim, who vowed that he’s never eaten pork ever (I’m not making this up). No sex was discussed. I’ve never really discussed sex with a Muslim person. But I’ve heard stuff.

Apparently the prophet Mohammed encourages a good healthy sex life between a man and his wife. This works quiet well especially since a man can have multiple wives. So in the area of sex! The Muslims are #winning

What’s interesting about Islam is that (apparently), it doesn’t explicitly preach against homosexuality. What it preaches against is anal sex. I hope no Muslim reads this.

Judaism

I may stand corrected, but I think the Jews are the ones who gave us condoms. Yay for the Jews! I’ve always loved the Jews. Even thought they killed our Lord. But our Lord is a Jew, so one must just love Jews.

There’s only one cool fact I know about Jewish sex. Apparently you are not to have sex during the day. This is strict Jewish law. If you really want to, you need to find a way to conceal all day life from entering the room before you can get it on.

What Does This All Mean?

People try to find the truth in religion. It’s just so sad that a lot of teenagers who get pregnant, who get STIs, and most of other people who don’t get sex ed, are church goes. I guess that’s not what church is about. But as a place that people trust and go to, and make life decisions based on, it would be great if life saving advice would be given. Preaching abstinence is great, but alternatives need to be preached to. I WISH church could be that place too.

I wasn’t at all trying to be blasphemous with this post. I’m sorry if anyone read this and felt offended. Believing in God, is believing that He is almighty and His word is irrefutable. We are all sinners at the end of the day. We must just always forget what sin is in our lives and what it means. For those of you who don’t believe in any organised religion, good for you! Shag on!!! But like I said earlier, have sex that your parents would be proud of. Don’t have sex that will bring shame to you. True religion is respecting you.

Don’t go around sucking 1000 dicks, and not fucking anyone all in the name of being a virgin, coz bitch you is a ho! (I had to sign off with something vile, just for the hell of it).

God bless you all!

Seven Days of Sex: Day Five PORN


PORN

 Disclaimer: I’ve been out of practice. So this might be average. I’m going to do my best to give you what you have come to expect. I’m coming back with Day 5 of Seven days of sex. PORN!!! I’m going to have fun with this post. I’m going to probably deny this in the future if I’m confronted with it…but yeah I love good (bad) porn.

Genesis

I was 9 when I watched my first porno. Every day after school I’d come home to watch “The Lion King”. It was always in the VCR so I’d just press play when I got home. Little did I know pressing one button was about to corrupt me to my very core and give me my most memorable boner. SMH!!! My cousin, in his infinite wisdom, left his porno in the VCR and just like that, a porn  connoisseur was born (I’m joking I’m not that heavily invested in porn).

I’ll never forget that blonde woman with massive boobs shouting “yes yes yes” as if it was to save her life. I knew what sex was, but what the fuck was sex doing on my TV? Why was sex so naked, and loud, fleshy and greedy? Truth is I knew what I was watching was bad I had not intentions of stopping. It felt so wrong, it must’ve been right…right?

Why?

Why the fuck is there porn? I can see society going on quiet well without porn. Out of all the things we have in these modern times, porn has to be the one thing we can take away and the world will carry on perfectly fine. This withholding the fact that one third
of the content on the internet is porn. The internet is very big (I don’t know how to quantify the internet) one third is A LOT! I guess if we do take away porn the world will have unemployment issues for a while. But com’on!

So yes, why do we have porn? I could go into a whole tirade about how us humans are self destructive and we fuck everything up (which is true), but I won’t. I will however say this; everything we have in this world is here, and continues being here because it’s something that the people want. All the developments in society came about because of a certain curiosity which led to a need/want and ultimately a creation.

I think that’s the only argument I have for why there is porn, it’s very general I know. But yeah, I can’t defend the existence of porn on an intellectual level. You’ll have to excuse me.

So I’ve established why there is porn…which isn’t the most convincing reason, as solid as it is. Does this make it make it right? Is it okay that we have porn?

 

The Good, The Bad and The Naked

I think of porn as a vice. My feelings towards porn aren’t too different from my feelings on alcohol, cigarettes and weed. Now like alcohol, we have decent vodka like Sky and we have that rubbish “so-called” vodka Black Horse (if you’ve never heard of black horse vodka, the lord loves you has kept you safe). Black Horse is this cheap vodka students imbibe when they’re strapped for cash. It’s awful and will give you a hangover that you’ll feel in you Achilles tendon.

Sky Vodka’esque porn

This is the porn that can survive humiliation. If someone finds this stash, you can still  show face in public. This porn doesn’t
necessarily expose any kind of fetish. It is the kind of porn that couples can watch together (if you need porn in your marriage, it’s time for a divorce). No one gets slapped, gets called a dirty whore or a father. There’s usually a badly written script with equally appalling Generations worthy acting. Scenes are kept to one or two penis per scene and per orifice. This is clean porn with
good titles that could be a good Mills and Boon novel, including; Intimate Encounters, Island fantasies, Midnight Tales, Knights of BankCock etc

Black horse’esque porn

This is the kind of porn that you might never live down. If someone finds this kind of porn, you might have to do damage control and explain a lot about the kind of person you are. This is the heroin of porn. Really nasty things happen. You have people moaning/screaming/crying/begging and you’re meant to be convinced that it’s from pleasure. Oh but you have your
doubts! There is no story line, just starts with girls being asked their age etc. Constant name calling! The language is extremely vulgar. Orifice elasticity is tested to the maximum. It’s pretty fluid, coz the camera randomly gets little drops of whatever on it. And the titles are a set give away, including: Little Red Rides the Hood, Double Drill Anal Team, Anal Stories, Her First
Negro etc

 

Final Say 

I guess we all have different tastes. You’re allowed to be into Sky or Black horse. But all things are connected, like the kind of porn you’re into. It’s all in the shame. If you feel shameful at any point when you’re watching porn, if you feel for the poor girl being penetrated from every possible angle…then you know it’s wrong and you probably shouldn’t be watching. But if it feels right, and you feel in your heart of hearts that it’s all good…by all means watch on!

 

I’ve watched a lot of porn in my 20 something years on this planet….all kinds of porn black, white, lesbian, gay, shemale, amateur (Paris and Kim K), scat-fetish (2 girls 1 cup, yeah I know ewwww), hentai, gangbangs, orgies and combo of all these genres. Porn
is just something to be curious about…it’s putting sex out there in the most explicit way. It has its victims, its profits, its success (there are actually porn awards), its stars, its scandals (under age actors, STIs etc) and it has a future. Hate it or love it porn will be around for a long time.

The end…

 

Seven Days of Sex: Day Four


SEX SELLS, I THINK…

I should start by saying that DAY FOUR might go a little off the rails. This is because I’m halfway there and I’m suffering from awesome doubt. And I now I shouldn’t complain, but I can’t wait for this to be over. But here I am, I made it to Day Four. P.S. I wanted to quit 3 days ago. I’m glad I have you guys reading this; writing for me is fun, but not every day.  So thank you.

Sex sells yeah?  I understand what this means. I totally do. I just don’t understand why it works? And does it work even? I don’t know much about advertising and sales, and how effective sexually provocative commercials are in pushing product sales.

My dream job

I want to be a model in a perfume ad! That’s my dream job. I might never need to have sex again.

The only area where I am a champion believer of “Sex Sells”, and I will go to the church of it, and bow down at the “Sex Sells” alter…is PERFUME ADVERTISING. Perfume ads guys *takes a moment*. Perfume advertising does justice to the fantasies of what we all hope we look like when we sweating balls trying to be sensual and sexual. I’m not big on magazines, but when I flip through one I’m always intrigued by one or two perfume ads. Those black and white ones. Where the girl looks like she’s a stroke away from a divine death from ecstasy. And the guy looks like he has the sexual appetite of a 1000 deprived men. They also manage to look so tasteful at the same time. I’m in love with perfume ads in print. But do they work? Do people buy products because of these ads?

Does it work?

I’ve never bought cologne in my life. I’m stuck on the fact that I can’t imagine anyone looking at a product, finding it sexy and wanting to buy it. Unless if that “something” is a prostitute. But I guess I’m using the word sexy way too strictly. I’ve actually never bought anything because of a sexually provocative ad. They must know that Obis of the world exist, and they will not fall prey to the smoke and mirrors. That’s exactly what it is. Smoke and mirrors. What they do know though is that the Obis of the this world are not immune to visual stimulus. I might not be interested in the product, but I will remember it, and here I am blogging about the subject matter. They have my attention.

People do buy into it though. Why? It’s the lifestyle, it’s something to aspire to. An ideal.

It’s a lifestyle

What advertising does really, especially with sex, is sell a lifestyle. An ad basically says this is what the product is about, not this is what the product is, and by buying it, you’ll also be about this. And who isn’t about sex?

See sex incorporates a lot of things. We’re morphing into a society that operates on perception more than reality. Sex is no exception.

Various things make us feel sex or find someone sexy. Advertising feeds off of this notion. Like is said Sex is the most important thing in the world. It’s about status, identity, power, vanity, esthetics etc. Advertising exploits this. 

I’m not happy

They use sex to sell products. But this doesn’t guarantee customer more or better sex. Okay, for hood girls, a BWM 3 series does guarantee the driver sex. This I think is an ethical issue that should be looked into. Okay, I am being hyperbolic. But I take issue with the sex sell that we will never have. The sell that makes Beyoncé etc successful beyond her alleged talent. It takes away from the good things in “art” that don’t have the “Sex sells” factor going for them.

This is especially true in the Entertainment industry. Granted some of them are talented and sexy, there however more sexy ones than talented ones. Even some of the talented ones are sexier than their talent (Halle Berry).

Movies and music videos are showing more and more skin.

We enjoy (choose) certain things, more than others because of the sexual appeal they have. I’m not happy with this. It’s no coincident that most of the talent is attractive. We watch them because we want to bone them.

You’re taking us for a ride

  • Hair products. Where they get a really sexy woman. With long flowing locks. Looking all hot. Your hair will never look like that on your best day on earth! You must know this.
  • Ice-cream. I actually don’t know why ice-cream ads are so sexed up. The music they play in the background reminds me of those Emmanuel movies from high school.
  • Only way you’ll ever look that good in underwear is if you change careers, and it becomes your job.

I think I need to take a marketing course.

Leaving Day Four here. Need to recharge. I’ll Day Five on Thursday.

This time I’m not saying what it’s about. I want to reserve the right to change my mind without putting anyone else through it.

All of the above was in my humble opinion.

Seven Days of Sex: Day Three


DISEASE, ABORTIONS AND BABIES…SHIT HAPPENS.

 

This isn’t an after school special. I’m not going to list all the disgusting things you might get from protectionless sex. If you don’t now about them it’s late for you. This post is also to acknowledge all the hard work the condom people put into bring us all the exciting condoms. Lets appreciate these hard working men and women. Oh, do y’all know anyone who’s used the female condome before? What’s that about?

If your last name is Christ, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Us mere mortals do.

And fuck everyone who says it’s NAAAAICE without protection. If you’re not married or PROPER committed to ONE person (sorry Mr President), I have not time for that kind of NAAAAICE. You can go have it with someone else.

I’m not going to deny you a few slip ups. Sometimes something inside of us switches of, and we put our lives in DANGER. Yes, there are those times. You feel awful the first time (if you have a conscious). That first time is more than enough to make you never do it again. Don’t let it become a habit. Sex without protection is no different from Russian roulette, that one bullet will get you! It takes ONE.  AND FOR WHAT? 30mins of pleasure?

You are not unique to the laws of biology. Protection Protection Protection.

It’s not just sex

When you don’t use protection, it’s not just sex. You are tacitly adding so many other things to the equation. You’re giving yourself so many other things to worry about post sex. Essentially you are creating potential for momentous irreversible changes in your life. This is the seriousness of SEX. When little pokes, thrusts and drizzles can alter your entire reality. Anything unwanted/unplanned, that lasts for 20mins and can change your life, cannot just be sex. It’s poor judgement, selfishness,
irresponsibility, stupidity, fate (maybe you were born to die of AIDS), so many cracks in your personality.

I just find it so self-destructive to be lax about disease. Love you life and love your shlong/pooms.

Congratulations it’s a bustard or maybe you aborted

I always joke about how people keep aborting the babies that are meant to find the cure for cancers, HIV and maybe even ignorance. Eish! I’m prochoice, but otherwise very anti abortion. Actually, a moment of silence for all regretted abortions: “_______________________”. Thanks.

Do you have any idea how fucking gross abortion is? It’s grosser than giving birth. Essentially, they’re undoing all that gross condomless sex you had. It’s killing the evidence, by burning down the vandalised building. Leaving terrible 3rd degree burn scars all over you.

For us, who were raised well and want to keep the baby. Yoh! I remember talking to @Miss__TC and she said: “I can’t imagine the degrading moment, where I tell my mom I’m pregnant and she has to ask me who the father is.” If you’re going to get pregnant, your parents must know the daddy/mommy is before the fact.

So like yeah, I am Catholic. But I’m part of the reformed Catholic Church, that’s the church in my head. We believe that life begins at conception. It’s too easy to make a baby; natural selection is a bitch like that. We need to be responsible about it. We can’t be brining life into the world if we aren’t equipped to handle our one lives. Only have a child/ren when you’ve worked on the best possible you.

Shit happens

Side bar, do you guys know that song by Kings of Leon “Sex on Fire”? It’s about an STI, that’s why it’s burning. Go listen to it. I got this from Chantelle Hulett.

So you’ve fucked up now. Your shlong looks like lips stick run over by a truck, and your pooms looks like mince. Shame, life’s not over. Don’t be stupid about it, handle it. You had the “not just sex” so now it’s time to deal with it. Do your best. Modern medicine
is still on your side with most STIs.

So you’ve fucked up now. You’re pregnant. Watch JUNO!!! Please watch JUNO. Again, get yourself together. It’s not the end of the world.  But ya JUNO!!!

So you’ve fucked up now. You have HIV. Please be a spokes person! So we know who you are, and stay far away from you!!! I joke. Look, it’s still not over. There are cancers that are worse than HIV. People can apparently live a long time now. I don’t know
said people. But again…it’s not over. It was a lesson you had to learn. You learnt it in the cruellest way.

Tips

  • Don’t have sex.
  • Go buy condoms NOW.
  • If you need tips beyond this, I’m not your friend.

“When she/he says I’m allergic to latex, your response is? I wanna see, put it on.”

And it read on her tombstone. “Nah girl, its aight…he pulled out.”

Yeah, that concludes DAY 3.

I’m not going to announce DAY 4 quite yet. I need to think about it.

I’m lying!!! DAY 4, SEX SELL.