Top Ten Reason Why I Had To Leave Work 4 Hours Early


It’s one of those Fridays guys! I want to make a run for it so badly. I’m just not feeling today’s movement. Here are a few excuses I wish I had at my disposal.

10. I thought the build was on fire, by the time I realised it wasn’t, I was already on the highway.

9. There was load shedding on my laptop. Eskom has it out for me.

8. My girlfriend/boyfriend was threatening suicide if I didn’t come home.

7. Fuck you I got a new job.

6. My watch is 4 hours ahead, I totally forgot, so sorry.

5. I’m allergic to traffic. It can kill me, I barely made it this morning.

4. I’m a Gupta…

3. I left my bedroom door unlocked, my Gremlin was going to get exposed to sunlight and die.

2. I was here in spirit. I don’t understand what the problem is.

And the number one reason I had to leave work 4 hours early.

1. Apartheid is over, deal with it!

The DA made a controversial statement. Knowing fully well that blacks would get excited. I am said excited black. No one cares how honourable the intentions were. They MUST have known that a black like me (and many others) would get excited! Stop exciting blacks, because you want some air time on the interwebs.

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The Good Mistress


A few days ago I had a conversation about mistresses with @KopanoMashishi. She said that she’d never be able to be with another woman’s man. It’s admirable that some women choose to stay away, but I don’t necessarily condemn women who don’t. Women who have side dick…The Good Manstress, this is for you too. Diane Lane was too convincing in Unfaithful for us not to recognise this growing pandemic.

The word “mistress” seems to have glamorous connotation. Mistress (I looked it up) means: a woman who has a continuing extramarital sexual relationship with one man, esp a man who in return for an exclusive and continuing liaison provides her with financial support. The penny chaser and the sex fiend. I’m not talking about this woman.

I’m also not talking about Glen Close’s character in Fatal Attraction.

I’m talking about a single woman who gets pursued by a married man and ends up giving in to his advances. What’s the name for her? Why does she also have to be degraded into the same class as penny chasers and sexual fiends? And if she’s lucky enough to not be called a mistress, she gets called a “home wrecker”. I’m not trying to come up with a new word for this woman, so for simplicity I’ll keep calling her a mistress, the good mistress.

We all need to understand that a relationship is between two people. The demise of a relationship and any issues that may arise can never be blamed on a third person. I believe this to be an absolute statement. I don’t think mistresses have the power to end a marriage. Every time a mistress in blamed I feel like women (society) has completely given up on men, and it is now every single women’s responsibility to make sure that all husbands don’t stray.  It’s bullshit.

Maybe there aren’t enough men to go around and the “good ones” are taken, what’s a single lady to do? I’m not advocating for bad behaviour, all I’m saying is that when “bad behaviour” happens anyway, we must be very careful who we condemn and if they even deserve condemnation.

I just wanted to advocate the good mistress. She too needs, wants and deserves companionship. If this world were perfect she wouldn’t have to accept it from a married man. It’s not fair for her to say no when it’s a perfectly viable option for her. Even when it’s not every night, on Christmas, on her birthday or on nights her lover has to be with his wife.

Postscript

  1. Dr Mamphela Ramphele is the perfect example of this good mistress I’m talking about. One of the greatest women on our continent, she was Steve Biko’s mistress and everyone knew. See how terrible the word mistress is? You can’t be calling the great Dr Ramphele a mistress. It’s rude!
  2. I asked people if there was a euphemism for mistress. I got two funny responses.  @Onklez : Ad hoc companion. @KopanoMashishi Mistress is already a euphemism for whore.
  3. But what about the kids? Truth is kids are resilient if you have a relationship with them. Many of my friends have philanderers for fathers and they turned out just fine. Many of my friends have faithful fathers and they’re fucked up. So really, leave the mistress out of it.
  4. With polygamy it works out perfectly for The Good Mistress. She can get promoted to The Good Second Wife. I guess all our first ladies, before the first wife were mistresses at some point? Not sure how it works with polygamy actually. Grey area…
  5. I love Angelina Jolie. If you want to hate someone hate Brad Pitt. Yes, I went there!
  6. Ladies, if you have to have men on the side, please don’t use the excuse “if men can do it, so can we”. You don’t need to be like men. So that really is the worst excuse ever! Cheating isn’t cool, if you do it, it best be for quality dick or untamed passion that you really can’t help…or love.
  7. That song Women To Women by Shirley, was in bed taste.
  8. If you are The Good Mistress your favourite songs are “Saving all my love for you” by Whitney Houston or “As we lay” by Kelly Price, than you deserve that call from Shirley! Smh!

MORAL OF THE STORY…DON’T BE TO QUICK TO JUDGE!

Top Ten Things Mistresses Say


First top ten in ages!!! Last one was in October.

10. Your wife doesn’t have a gun does she?
9. Lady, what I’m doing to you, they did to me. You must just be strong.
8. Please don’t talk about your wife when you’re with me, makes me feel cruel.
7. The kids adore me, they call me aunty Nomonde.
6. What did you say your husband’s name was again?
5. If he was your man, he wouldn’t be here with me.
4. He’s going to leave his wife to be with me.
3. Sharing is caring.
2. #nowplaying Kelly Price, As We Lay.
And the number one thing mistresses say
1. OMG, he’s married? I had no idea!

Proper blog on mistresses coming soon.

Gold Digging for dummies Part Deux


Gold digging for dummies

Part 2

I’m back with part deux of Gold Digging for Dummies (GDD). I last left you when you were being an attention seeking pro. You’ve flirted, you’ve smiled, you’ve flipped your hair, and you’ve spilt water on your cleavage. You have done great and I’m proud of
you. You’ve been listening. So now it’s time meet your minister of finance, transport, tourism, social development, arts culture and recreation and if you’re lucky minister of housing too. All in ONE.

 

First Encounters

A middle-aged man (or much older) comes to you and says hello. First thing to always remember, DO NOT phapha, it’s very
unattractive. That will send him straight into the arms of your alcoholic friend she won’t have as much sass as you. Calm down! Look him straight in the eye and casually say hello. Now, if you do this right you won’t fail. Please pay attention.

Like I said before, these men had dreams when they were younger. But these dreams needed money, money they didn’t have yet. Now they do, but they’re old and sleeping with the same woman every single damn night! Now here you are, introducing an important component in that dream, YOUTH.

 

On this first encounter you are going to give him that very thing he desired. They say “youth is wasted on the youth”, it’s true the elderly know this. This man can appreciate youth, because it’s something he will never have again. So what do you do? Simple, treat him exactly how you would treat any other young respectable black man. Do NOT at any point make him feel old, or say anything that would remind him of his gut, his druggy teenager or his dried up wife.

Make small talk!!!

 

How to have a conversation 101

Here’s a party trick I learnt: to be in control of a conversation, you need to get the other person speaking more than you. Vehemently agree and disagree to everything without saying much at all. Ask a LOT of questions that make you seem genuinely
interested. Nod frequently and always find the perfect moments to smile. When he starts asking you questions about you, answer them with anecdotes that will again engage him.

Don’t talk about things that someone his age wouldn’t know. Suiker pa’s don’t like the feeling of knowing less than their concubines about anything! Unless if you have a very intelligent worldly thing to say about twitter, you must shut up about new age things. Again, you’re there to make him feel half his age.

To practice you should watch sharp rom coms, which have intelligent and highly suggestive innuendo. Show that you can more than just physically stimulate. Be a trophy, shine! Ultimately you’ll be asked what you do. Trophy ≠ Waitress.

Job vs Career, if you have a job dress it up

I don’t like discriminating, but like Chris Rock said, some people have jobs and some people have careers. Saying I’m a bank teller, waitress/hostess, receptionist, char lady, etc is NOT ATTRACTIVE.

Things to say if you have job:

  • I’m in sales – Department store correct size fetcher
  • I’m in customer relations – Call centre employee
  • Communications officer – Receptionist

You’re not ashamed of what you do, but really for obvious reasons you need to just dress things up. It’s not lying. If you’re going to be honest, you best start finding someone to play a violin in the background. Jobs suck; aint no one trying to hear about your job.

 

It’s getting late

Your friends are getting anxious and they need a change of scenery. You’ve gotten all you can from this evening. Say your good byes and hope he asks for your number. You must not, I repeat, you must NOT offer your digits. None of this is your idea!
Very NB. Be patient, wait for pops to get his mojo going. When he asks for your number try to appear a little apprehensive. Give them to him nonetheless.

What if he’s brave and severely avid? What if he asks to go home with you?

NO! Never! Yes, well done, I know you strongly believe “It’s just sex”, but you need to be a lady, this isn’t a limber looking off duty bus boy from Melville. This time you care what a man thinks of you. Doesn’t matter how interested he is, sex so soon will
turn you into a Chicken Licken snack box. You are easy not cheap. He needs to earn it (not really), and get to know its tacit T’s and C’s before he gets to eat it.

Please don’t think this is the last chance you have. I can’t emphasis enough how important it is not to put out on just after meeting a guy. Sex seals the deal, make sure there’s one before you let him plough your garden.

 

And so it begins

Don’t play GI-Hoe

When he calls, don’t try to be cool. Instantly make him aware that you know exactly who he is, and you’re glad he called. Make this first phone call very short. Abruptly mention a date then make something up to end the call. Make him promise to call you in
thirty minutes. Be sweet and sincere about it. He’ll call the second time and you’re going to give him all the attention he needs. GET A DATE!!!

 

First Date

Your first date will not be glamorous. It’ll probably be at a place where he won’t run into anyone he knows. It’s going to be some random hotel that’s known for hosting Avon presentations. Don’t be too disappointed. Be lucky that you’re with someone who
still has a little shame. This will work to your advantage.

Wear something you’d wear to meet up with your dad. This is to avoid prying eyes. You don’t need a 1000 eyes throwing daggers at you when you’ve got important work to do. You need to be vigilant and observant on the first date. Look out for the following to make a provisional judgement on the future of this courtship:

  • Is he as interesting as the last phone call?
    • Are you feeling awkward?
    • Are you able to say something to each other? There’s no point if you can’t have a
      conversation with this man.
  • His body language, how much of his body is angled directly at you?
    • Like animals mark their territory, do you feel marked?
    • Is he leaning into you?
    • Where is he looking? Is he constantly zeroed in on you, or does he keep turning his
      head? For fears of being judged?
  • His wedding finger, is there a ring? Or mark that one was there five minutes ago?
    • This will determine what kind of person he is.
    • If he’s married and lying about it, know that you have to pull stunts or this won’t
      last long at all.
    • If there are no indications of a marriage, you can relax just a little bit.
  • How often does he fidget his phone?
    • If he’s slick his phone will be off.
    • If he ignores/rejects call be very scared.
    • If he constantly looks at his phone, he’s terrified of getting caught. Distract him,
      make him feel easy.

 

You should know have a clearer picture of what this man is about or at least what he purports to be. After this comes the hectic stuff. You need to at this point look deeply inside of yourself to see if you can go ahead with this.

Are you ready to tango with devil? Can you sleep with this man? Being generous with the word trust, can you still ‘trust’ him?

There’s no turning back once you say “yes”?

To be contiinued

And remember, women were born to be mothers and men were born to be daddies.

Top Ten Reasons why your RIM BlackBerry is a 3310.


10. The big BIS button is broke.

9. This is a loyalty test.

8. Ubersocial for blackberry and the neanderthals who use it over loaded the RIM servers.

7. Steve Jobs has nothing to do with this, but whatever. Everyone is telling big jokes about this one.

6. Desmond Tutu was praying for a better world. RIM got caught in the crossfire.

5. Loyiso Gola did it! For better jokes shem. That kid is dry!!!

4. Someone in the ANC got an executive position at RIM…this what happened on day one.

3. RIM employees are Springboks supporters…depression hit hard.

2. Al Qaeda did it. When we wake up tomorrow England will be Bungra-land.

And the number one reason why your BlackBerry is a 3310,

1. Its 60 rands! The fuck did you expect for 60 rands? Sit Down!!!

Top Ten Reasons Why The Dalia Lama won’t be coming to SA


I haven’t done a Top Ten List in a very long time, I’m out of practice. Here goes nothing.

 

Top Ten Reasons Why The Dalai Lama won’t be coming to SA

 

10. The government is Catholic and the Pope is in on it. He can’t stand this guy.

9. He has an infectious disease that will kill us all.

8. No one likes Tutu. They all want the party to suck.

7. All those with BEE/Corruption sin will have fatal diarrhoea if they stand 50 meters near him.

6. The Lama banged one of Zuma’s wives.

5. He’s old; no one wants to deal with the PR of him dying here.

4. China promised to assassinate every DA member if we kept him out.

3. He’s trying to smuggle opium into the country.

2. It’s all a rouse, he doesn’t really want to come here, he just wants to make China seem even more evil.

And the number one reason why The Dalia Lama won’t be coming to SA

1. “The Dalai Lama” is not an acceptable name on official Home Affairs documents and he refuses to give up his real name, Ping Pong Thatha Pow Oh.

Gold Digging For Dummies


Gold digging for dummies

Part 1

 

A friend of mine recently got propositioned by a wealthy older man. She wasn’t too sure what to do, but she decided to give him her numbers anyways to see how this was going to play out. She tried to convince herself that it wasn’t for the money, but she knew that would be a lie (and I told her so).

 

So then it just dawned on me, let me just blog about it and see what I can come up with. Gold digging can get very dicey when you’re a newbie so I thought it would be wise to explore it. Just in case some of you want to get into it, and you have a few questions on how to get you started on your franchise.

 

Questions to test if this self-help blog is for you

  • Do you want to live a life beyond your means?
  • Are you lazy?
  • Do you often feel like your looks are all you have?
  • Are you desperate?
  • Do you often say: “I’m tired of broke niggers”?
  • Do you really think “it’s only sex”?

If you’ve answered yes to four of these six question, you’re definitely who I’m trying to help with this. I’m going to guide you step by step on how to become a gold digger and still come out of it fine.

Disclaimer: Results will vary depending on your commitment. I accept no liability for; black eyes,  venereal disease, emotional distress (please don’t catch feelings, to be addressed later) and any other damages, financial/physical/emotional or otherwise.

 

 

What you’re getting yourself into

 

I don’t think you need to be completely amoral, but for this to be a success you have to be willing to kill a chunk part of your soul. There are some people who choose to view this differently, but I don’t. It’s a dirty dirty thing this gold digging bees-knees. People don’t think that gold digging is prostitution, I think it is. Well it’s not exactly the same:

  • you only have one client, unless if you’re a workaholic,
  • the hours are better,
  •  the working conditions  range from the back of a Ranger Rover to the Protea hotel on the N1 to Pretoria
  • the pay can be anything from a few expensive meals to a mini cooper
  • there’s no pimp
  • no need to worry about getting arrested

It’s white collar prostitution. You have more to offer than just sex. This is why you’re doing this. You’re smarter than Thembisile on Oxford road at 2 o’clock in the morning. As such, you’re going to earn more and you need to look better.

 

Be hot or go home!

 

You’re not just getting paid to have sex. You’re getting paid to make these men feel like everything they never felt in high school, varsity and their earlier working days. As a gold digger you are selling a fantasy. Think of yourself as a Ferrari. This man has worked really hard, now he’s in a place in his life where he can have the sports car he’s always wanted as a young boy. You are that Ferrari.

 

BE a sleek, well styled Italian sports car. Eat right and exercise on the regular.

At all times you must:

  • have you hair did,
  • have your nails done,
  • make sure your boobs be perky like two boners,
  • smell like new expensive leather (the best smell in the world),
  • dress like you’re being followed by the paparazzi,
  • carry yourself like the lady you’re not

If you don’t know what I’m talking about please visit www.ferrari.com. Look at the videos and the picture. Try to be like the car only human. Be this at all times why? Because you will never know!!!

 

Location! Location! Location!

 

You can meet a potential client anywhere! This is why you must always look your best at times. These gold mines are fully functioning members of society. The best ones won’t traditionally be at a Pick n Pay, they have people doing grocery runs for them. But look you’re only getting started, so this is where you start. Start shopping for your groceries in affluent neighbourhoods. You’re going to pay a premium for the items you need, so only go there when you need a few items, so not as to kill your budget. I don’t want you completely strapped out for cash. This is where you’re going to find men who have strong women at home. These men have wives who are as ambitious and successful as they are. These are the men you want. The kind of man whose balls are in his wife’s Chanel purse. Men who don’t feel like men! They are the easy targets. You can make them feel likekings.

 

This is your training ground. This is where you find out what your worth is in ogles, winks and awkward hellos. Spot your target and be sly as you stalk him. Try to strike up a conversation where you act completely clueless about a product you’re both looking to buy. Learn how to accept attention from a family man who’s got a wife at home, and maybe even a little kid in tow. I know, it sounds terrible, but hey you need to build up your amorality somehow.

 

Learn when the sun is out, practice when the sun is down.

 

The big league

 

This is where it gets serious!

 

Its night time and gloves come off. Open a bottle of wine, call a couple of your friends, and get ready to go out. It’s very important to choose your friends right on a night reserved for excavating. The following friends must never be holla’d at:

  • friends with good careers going for them.
  • friends from wealthy families (running into an uncle is the last thing you need)
  • a friend who has ever sent you a bible verse
  • friends who don’t drink
  • friends who get Coyote Ugly after a few drinks
  • friends who are so hot they make you look like Whoopi Goldberg on a bad day
  • friends who say “choma” more than three times a day

The following are the friends you need to do this right:

  • friends who are constantly borrowing money from you
  • friends who are loose for no reason at all
  • friends who’ve never paid for a drink in their lives, not coz they’re prettier than you, but coz they’re smarter than you
  • friends who love free things
  • a friend who’s a heavy smoker
  • a friend who is as forward as an erection in tights

Don’t go in a big group. A group of three to four is perfect. You don’t want to look intimidating.

Now, it’s important you do your research. Read your news papers. Know where the hot spots are. Give up on your life of trying to trick a DJ into an unwanted pregnancy. You’re on to bigger things now. Go to places featured in life style magazines. Go to places where business executives go. A place that’s not too stuffy, but also south of tjovitcho. Something like this Wine Sense place in Melrose Arch.

I’m not even going to tell you how haute you must look. If you haven’t been paying attention at this point, you cannot be helped.

When you walking in…imagine Naomi Campbell on her first day on a major designers runway. This is the look you are looking for. A soft look, something that says yes, I’m a big deal, you just don’t know how big.

Start looking for where the big wigs are seated. Then you get your charm on. Turn it on, pump it up, its go time!!! Bambi eyes, vixen weave flips and gentle head tilted laughs. Use your hands when you speak, just enough to call attention to your chest. Don’t be loud! You’re not trying to be heard you’re trying to be seen for the gem you are.

Now depend on how much attention you’ve been paying this whole time. You should have someone’s attention at this point.

To be continued

Seven Days of Sex: Day Three


DISEASE, ABORTIONS AND BABIES…SHIT HAPPENS.

 

This isn’t an after school special. I’m not going to list all the disgusting things you might get from protectionless sex. If you don’t now about them it’s late for you. This post is also to acknowledge all the hard work the condom people put into bring us all the exciting condoms. Lets appreciate these hard working men and women. Oh, do y’all know anyone who’s used the female condome before? What’s that about?

If your last name is Christ, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Us mere mortals do.

And fuck everyone who says it’s NAAAAICE without protection. If you’re not married or PROPER committed to ONE person (sorry Mr President), I have not time for that kind of NAAAAICE. You can go have it with someone else.

I’m not going to deny you a few slip ups. Sometimes something inside of us switches of, and we put our lives in DANGER. Yes, there are those times. You feel awful the first time (if you have a conscious). That first time is more than enough to make you never do it again. Don’t let it become a habit. Sex without protection is no different from Russian roulette, that one bullet will get you! It takes ONE.  AND FOR WHAT? 30mins of pleasure?

You are not unique to the laws of biology. Protection Protection Protection.

It’s not just sex

When you don’t use protection, it’s not just sex. You are tacitly adding so many other things to the equation. You’re giving yourself so many other things to worry about post sex. Essentially you are creating potential for momentous irreversible changes in your life. This is the seriousness of SEX. When little pokes, thrusts and drizzles can alter your entire reality. Anything unwanted/unplanned, that lasts for 20mins and can change your life, cannot just be sex. It’s poor judgement, selfishness,
irresponsibility, stupidity, fate (maybe you were born to die of AIDS), so many cracks in your personality.

I just find it so self-destructive to be lax about disease. Love you life and love your shlong/pooms.

Congratulations it’s a bustard or maybe you aborted

I always joke about how people keep aborting the babies that are meant to find the cure for cancers, HIV and maybe even ignorance. Eish! I’m prochoice, but otherwise very anti abortion. Actually, a moment of silence for all regretted abortions: “_______________________”. Thanks.

Do you have any idea how fucking gross abortion is? It’s grosser than giving birth. Essentially, they’re undoing all that gross condomless sex you had. It’s killing the evidence, by burning down the vandalised building. Leaving terrible 3rd degree burn scars all over you.

For us, who were raised well and want to keep the baby. Yoh! I remember talking to @Miss__TC and she said: “I can’t imagine the degrading moment, where I tell my mom I’m pregnant and she has to ask me who the father is.” If you’re going to get pregnant, your parents must know the daddy/mommy is before the fact.

So like yeah, I am Catholic. But I’m part of the reformed Catholic Church, that’s the church in my head. We believe that life begins at conception. It’s too easy to make a baby; natural selection is a bitch like that. We need to be responsible about it. We can’t be brining life into the world if we aren’t equipped to handle our one lives. Only have a child/ren when you’ve worked on the best possible you.

Shit happens

Side bar, do you guys know that song by Kings of Leon “Sex on Fire”? It’s about an STI, that’s why it’s burning. Go listen to it. I got this from Chantelle Hulett.

So you’ve fucked up now. Your shlong looks like lips stick run over by a truck, and your pooms looks like mince. Shame, life’s not over. Don’t be stupid about it, handle it. You had the “not just sex” so now it’s time to deal with it. Do your best. Modern medicine
is still on your side with most STIs.

So you’ve fucked up now. You’re pregnant. Watch JUNO!!! Please watch JUNO. Again, get yourself together. It’s not the end of the world.  But ya JUNO!!!

So you’ve fucked up now. You have HIV. Please be a spokes person! So we know who you are, and stay far away from you!!! I joke. Look, it’s still not over. There are cancers that are worse than HIV. People can apparently live a long time now. I don’t know
said people. But again…it’s not over. It was a lesson you had to learn. You learnt it in the cruellest way.

Tips

  • Don’t have sex.
  • Go buy condoms NOW.
  • If you need tips beyond this, I’m not your friend.

“When she/he says I’m allergic to latex, your response is? I wanna see, put it on.”

And it read on her tombstone. “Nah girl, its aight…he pulled out.”

Yeah, that concludes DAY 3.

I’m not going to announce DAY 4 quite yet. I need to think about it.

I’m lying!!! DAY 4, SEX SELL.

Seven Days of Sex: Day Two


Drugs, Booze and Sexytime

Yoh, okay so I’mma tell you right now, please watch out for spelling errors. I had to get in the mood for this one. So yeah, I had me some wine to get inspired by this here post. So like I’m going to manage to make sense, but my grammar will be on that Michael
J Fox vibe, including spelling errors. Bear with me. I joke…or not;)

Drugs, Booze and Sexytime!!! Yes friends, and others (I might love you some day), some of us are as guilty as Charlie Sheen.

Ever since that scene from Basic Instinct (I was 15 when I watched that movie), when Sharon Stone asked Michael Douglas, “Have you ever fucked on cocaine Nick?”, I’ve always been curious. I’ve always said that “curiosity gave the cat herpes” I’m not that cat, I’ve never fucked on cocaine, in case you’re wondering.

My curiosity got worse when *insert friends name* told me to “Fuck on weed. It’s the best.” Weed is more accessible, not as harmful as cocaine and its cheaper. But I’m not going to say whether I’ve fucked on weed or not (the internet is too pubic, even for me). I’ll let you decide.

But yeah, I can speak for booze. Most of us can. So here we go.

“It’s a bad idea, but it’s not the worst thing ever”

It’s naaaaice!!! But it can go incredibly bad, it really can shem. When you just wake up and feel like you were raised by Sondeza performers.

Look its otherwise naaaaice. But, it’s a bad idea when you aren’t taking care of number one, that’s you. You need to first think about yourself when getting yourself in this hot mess of high rewards. It’s the only way to wake up feeling like a better person. It’s not that deep.

  • Use protection.
  • KNOW what you are doing.
  • Tell a friend beforehand (OPTIONAL, some friends want to be heroes, not mine though).
  • Be willing to acknowledge the dirtiness of it all. This can be done, you’ll be fine.
  • You are not Julia Roberts, life is not a movie. Have focus, sex is fun fantasy that needs strict reality.
  • Random dryness. Shem, I am team lube, but it can be an inconvenience.
  • Erectile issues (this is when you go home). You’re no one’s mother.

I am however talking about roulette sex. When it’s random, and you’re not sure when it’s going to happen again and the barman is warming up to you. There is another kind.

“I’m in a relationship and I’m kinda diggin on this person”

ALL BETS ARE OFF!!! Yeah, I am a huge believe of Requiem for a dream good lovin. There is still room for it being a bad idea, this is because drugs and booze are not our friends. Some of us are still for real about protection, whether you’re in a relationship or not.

Okay enough of the bad. Hehehe.

  • It’s really NAAAAICE.
  • It’s to the point, it’s direct.
  • Even when it’s bad, it can be hilarious. I’ve had hilarious sex. You can laugh.
  • It’s survival of the fittest.
  • Its rude honesty, coz it’s selfish (you morph into that person you need to be).
  • Potential for those true colours Cindy Lauper sang about.
  • Leaves very little space for inhibitions that would’ve been there otherwise.
  • It can actually lead to “that love” story, sometimes.

My favourite about such is that morning sunshine that comes with the “I know what you did last night” smile. It’s also met with that hangover that you’ll go through together. So it won’t be as bad, and you’ll actually enjoy most of it. It’s all too silly, but sky high with that cute factor.

“It’s okay”

If it sucked, it sucked. If you didn’t use protection and it’s a proper WTF situation, it’s also okay. Okay, I’m not being generous with my ”okay”. It’s only okay if this only happens ONCE in NAVY BLUE MOON (less frequent than that BLUE MOON). If you’re renowned for this kind of behaviour, you’re not doing great, speak to someone. In life sometimes you’re the windscreen, and sometimes you’re the bug. If you’re on the latter side of things, it’s okay. Pick up the pieces, there aren’t that many. Life
moves on.

Again, don’t have sex if you aren’t willing to deal with the inabilities/unwillingness of some people to do certain things.

Lie”

I’ve always been soooo jealous of those people who can lie to themselves. I’m brutally honest with myself, but I can pretend. It’s not as bad a lying. Have you lie. Enjoy your pretence. But know!!! Always be aware. That’s the take home message.

I was hoping to get really pornographic with this post. I guess I’m not yet there. I don’t even have an idea for Day Three at his point. Hopefully this will change.

Drugs, Booze and Sexy time. Always be aware.

“We are adults, the next step is adultery.”

“If it feels wrong, it must be right. Consequences might or might not happen.”

“Team Redwine and Lube.” Holla at @NswanaM @tisjane2 @lesala_m and Stacey

“Erectile dysfunction? He’s not that into you”

We’ll see what happens on day three. Until then; no balloon, no party.

Ooooooh, okay. Next post: Disease, it happens.

Seven Days of Sex, Day One


PLEASURE

 This wasn’t as easy as thought it would be. I have, however, managed to piece together a few things.

It’s all about pleasure. And how do we have pleasure?  You have to absolutely want it. In wanting pleasure, there is no room for uncertainty and insecurities. Sexual pleasure, I find, comes from doing the simplest of things. You don’t need to be pulling fancy missions you saw in a porn movie. Those are trained professions, you’ll hurt yourself. Yeah, porn movies should actually come with a WWE “Don’t try this at home message”. Don’t be a hero. It’s okay to be kinky, go for it. But do it with caution. Kinky is using a feather, fetish is bringing in the whole chicken, Chantelle Hulett.

I have never insisted on anything fancy in my pursuit for pleasure. I believe in keeping it primal and hungry. Hunger is key; again “You have to absolutely want it.”

“It was only a kiss, how did it end up like this”

It all starts with a kiss. If it doesn’t you’re either damaged or being raped. Lawd bless a good kiss. The best ones actually make me light-headed. People underestimate the power of a good kiss. If you messed up there, chances are its game over for you.

A few simple guildlines to kissing

  • Never kiss ANYONE who kisses with their eyes open. Such people hate their parents and cannot be trusted.
  • Tongue and lips are not polony in a bun. You’re not trying to eat.
  • Be soft and engaging.
  • Kissing is NOT an excavation, you’re not looking for traces of popcorn.
  • You don’t need lube, cap your saliva at 1 milligram.
  • The lips are flavoured. Flavour can be released by sucking gently.

“Sex is like a box of chocolate”

You’ll never know what you’ll get. If sex is the chocolate, foreplay is the box. The anticipation, the want before the need. I once tweeted “Foreplay is what separates us from the animals”. I can’t express enough how much I believe in this. When a lion is about to chase after a Springbok, it doesn’t stretch or warm up or nothing…it just goes. Us as humans are not the same. We need to stretch and warm up. I think this is what for play is, stretching and warming up. Those few times you surprise yourself during sex (I’m a pretzel), can sometimes be due to really good foreplay.

But then there are those people…who want to foreplay like that is all you’re there for (worsting your time). Don’t over-foreplay, be kind to the box holding your chocolates. Someone said “You can never have enough foreplay” I called bullshit, coz we’re not virgins, and we have things to do. It gets boring and tedious if you over shoot it.

“Main course”

You’ve gotten this far. No point in turning back now. You’ve put in all that hard work, it’s time to let desire take the wheel. If you’re not in for a bumpy ride…go home.

You know how they saying the most important thing in operating your business is LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION? With sex its LET GO, LET GO, LET GO. You’ve worked through the kissing and the foreplay, your inhibitions should be a distant memory at this point. If they’re not, feel free to foreplay some more…or go home.

I say “go home” a lot because really, you don’t need to be having sex you don’t want or are not sure about. I can’t stress this enough.

At this point you must be willing to be completely honest with yourself and what you want, or you’ll leave unsatisfied. You’ll also be leaving the other person feeling very inadequate. Sex is about physical conversation. Actions really do speak louder than words. Sex is a freaken boom box!!! You need to speak up. Avoid speaking though…only when people are venturing into foreign countries without the correct documentation can you actually SAY, “Um yeah…the government doesn’t want you there.”

This is very important, because people do tend to want things that aren’t on the menu. Always speak up and be sure to mention what the specials are. Remember, you’ll only get what you want if you speak up!!! If you’re not speaking up, you’re kinda being selfish. Again, you don’t want to leave the other person feeling inadequate.

Go for gold. Get yours. Offer stuff.

“Ai, Oi Oi Oi, Ooooooh, Ah”

So it’s over now. It’s still about pleasure. Some people find joy and pleasure in cuddling, some don’t. Depending on how sensitive you are towards the other person’s feelings, you can go home or stick around. Use your discretion. You just had SEX, don’t be to worried about admin. Personally I don’t think people should have sex if they can’t deal with other people’s inabilities/unwillingness to do what they expect them to do afterwards. At this point you are justified to do whatever it is you want. Just don’t be cruel about it.

I think this is a good place to stop. I kinda had fun writing this.

Looking forward to Day Two: Drugs, Booze and Sexy Time.