Here comes the bride, and she has a pen…


A dear friend of mine is getting married. Today I told my friend exactly what I thought of marriage. I don’t think she was impressed with me. Here’s what I said to her.


Love is a miracle, marriage is a contract. Let’s not get confused. Marriage is for tax benefits, a great party and the practical convenience of a binding agreement. What we are really excited about is love and a lekker party. 

Getting married does not guarantee, companionship, sharing, caring etc. Love guarantees these things.

Marriage guarantees tax benefits, shared legal liability, power of attorney… 

Remind me of this when I get married too. So I don’t forget that above all else I’m in love!’ *end quote*

Now I feel like I’ve upset her and I’m going to sit at the table close to the toilet. Or maybe I won’t be invited to the wedding at all. Lol! But this is an opinion I had to express. And, I suppose, a less than humble side of me felt like I am wise and this wisdom had to be shared. In all honesty I didn’t think I was saying anything that isn’t true.

LGBT activists are fighting for marriage equality because of all the statutory benefits that come with marriage, that they otherwise wouldn’t have if they merely happily live together. That just proves that it’s a social structure meant to make life easier. And every one should have that. 

I’m going to get married someday or maybe not. I don’t know. I’ll be comfortable anyway. 

All I know for sure is that I want to love and be loved. I want love and permanence in one person. No wedding ceremony or  nuptial agreement will guarantee me that. My character and the character of the love of my life will.

Postscript 

  • Maybe, just maybe, marriage is daunting enough and no one needs to here Obi’s opinions.
  • I want to hear people say I want to be in requited love, rather than hear them say ‘I want to get married.’
  • A lot of my peers are getting married lately. Tis the season for realz. 
  • I’d totally get married for the hell of it. Like all them dumb famous people. 
  • Before marriage and religion, there was love. No one created love, someone put it inside of us. Marriage and religion were decided on by a few people who were lucky enough to make it on earth before me!
  • I really hope I still have a wedding to go to!

The Pope and TD Jakes vs The Devil


I’d like to express my extreme point of view, I am in fact Christian and I’m not a Jew.

So I haven’t been going to church for a very long time. This is because abandon every single bad relationship. But the truth is I love my church. I am catholic, albeit a broken one. I know where my home is, I’ve just moved house and shacked up in a very different place, but every now and then I go back home. Home sweet home.

But home has been molested by scandal and the devils work. Home has been getting worse each and every single year I go back. In the past few months I’ve heard shocking things about catholic priests and I had to find a way to understand all of it.

This is just to make myself better, but yes know what exactly what the problem is.

Where there is a lot of good, there is a lot of evil too. Unfortunately, sometimes evil wins…but God dammit evil is now winning gold.

This got me thinking of how other Christian sects and their Good vs Evil Olympics are going. Good God fearing Christian preacher-men get to have thee most shocking children. Good God fearing men start having Charlie Sheen tendencies…they think they’re being sly but we see them. Okay ya, some catholic priest like boys and they have a fetish for strangling people. But perhaps there’s hope.

Every now and then I meet good people.  It gives me hope and comfort. I’ve met amazing nuns who just personify God’s love. I even got to become good friends with a few Billy Ray’s and Rosemary Ray’s (this is hoping Billy Ray a sister). Maybe all is not lost. I pray for them and for myself (I’m a Billy Ray by virtue of my pops John Paul, The 2nd ) that we all stay being the good Billy’s/Rosemary’s that we really are inside. And we should not and must not lose our way, no matter what happens. We’ve seen through other people how easy it is to lose one’s self.

So yes, the battle of good vs evil is going to be a very lengthy war. My faith tells me to always choose good and that it is good that will ultimately be victorious. In the final hour the arch angel, Mike The Mighty,  will come down from the heavens and go all Rambo on the devil’s ass.

I never know how to end my blog posts. Good thing I figured out “post-scripting”.

Post-script

  • If you go to church, good for you, but you’re not better than anyone else who doesn’t.
  • This was inspired by Pitsi, Khuti, Tsakane, Sithembile, Thabo, Mpho and a lot of you other Rosemaries and Billies. The real ones not a Demi God like me.
  • I really hope this isn’t blasphemous at all. I’m not prim and proper like that.
  • Jo Brand is the funniest fatty in the world. Eff what you heard!
  • I will love anyone who believes in anything good. It doesn’t always have to be “God”. Some people are just not interested and its fine.
  • If money is your God, I love you too.
  • Posting this was my own little church.
  • Also church is something inside the fridge, God is like the kitchen, then some. So maybe there’s hope for ZCC people. I don’t know why I say these terrible things about ZCC people. Some of the loveliest people I know are hard-core members. But ya…the whole star and tea gig is just a willy nilly bad joke begging to be told.

I hope you all have a lovely Sunday.

 

Seven Days of Sex: Day 6: Sex and Religion


Sex and Religion

 

This should be interesting as I don’t know much about religion and what it says about sex. Kids who’ve been to Sunday school, Madrasah and or Torah Jewish Sabbath School (if such exists) know a lot more than me. I don’t remember much of my Sunday school education.

So I gather we all know the biggy…sex before marriage is a sin.

Sex before marriage is a sin

Virgins raise your hands, anyone? Depending on how religious you are, you can either take this very seriously or not. I remember when I first had sex. I was an altar boy; I didn’t plan to have sex. It kind of just happened. When it did, I doubt “I have sinned against God” crossed my mind for a single second. And mind you, I was pretty religious back then. I even thought I’d become a priest.

Why is sex before marriage a sin? I have no freakin idea! So I asked around. If you don’t know ask. Here are the answers I got from the people I asked.

Homosexual: “A ke tsebe hle.” meaning I’ve got no idea.

Devout Christian: “Because biblically we are instructed not to engage sexually outside of marriage.”

Two Preacher’s daughters independently: “Because sex is intimate (sex joins your body and spirit to another) and we must only have it in a secure relationship. And that is what marriage is.”

I asked another buddy of mine. She proper schooled me! I had church on BBM. She proper broke it down. My blog isn’t church though…so moving along.

What I think is that sex is more than just sex. The bible recognises that. For whatever reason it’s made sin because of how sacred it is. The easiest way for me to think about it, is having the kind of a sex your parents would be proud of. I guess pride wouldn’t be the right word here, but I guess you know what I mean right? There a certain conditions (standards) that should exist before two people indulge in sex, marriage being the highest standard.

Basically sex before marriage is a sin because the bible says so. Sin is breaking divine or moral law. Let’s just always remember that there are a lot of ways to sin, and virginity does not guarantee a trip to heaven.

Side bar: This post is going so much worse than I thought it would. I think the altar boy in feels like he is being an absolute heathen. I’m going to ease my guilt by reading “Song of songs” in the bible. I was going to read it before finishing this post, but it really long. You guys should give it a look.

Exploring religious sexual sin

So let’s have a look at what little tidbits religion might or might not say about sex. Disclaimer: The following was heard from various friends while alcohol was being imbibed. Anyways, here are some of the stories I’ve heard about sex and religion.

The Catholics/Christians

According to strict Catholic dogma, sex is purely meant for reproduction. We are meant to only have sex for the purpose of making babies. That’s why the church is anti any form of birth control.

This obviously excludes any bum-fun, aint no one is going to get preggers from taking it in the bum. SideBar: Just remembered that scene from the movie Milk, when homophobe said: “Homosexuality is an abomination. Homosexual can’t even have babies.” And Sean Penn replied: “That is true, but we sure do try.” Hehehe. I think if the gays keep at it, by 2020, we’re going to have our first baby conceived from man lovin. The Vatican will be so mad! LOL.

The church is also not in favour of anyone practicing any pleasurable sexual acts on themselves (masturbation). Apparently that’s like killing babies, or wasting them or something or nothing.

Priests and Nuns aren’t allowed any sexy time either. Just last week my mom came home with a heavy heart. One of her favourite priest is having an affair with a nurse. I laughed, but she was very hurt by this. It’s not the first time this has happened in my diocese. One priest even got a parishioner preggers…obviously he got fired for it.

Abortions are a one way ticket to hell! The Catholics believe that life begins at conception.  Whether you were raped, unmarried, etc…though shall not abort!

Sommer gonna gooi oral sex as a no no, just in case one should jizz.

So, no masturbation, pleasure is for conceiving, no condoms, no abortions and no bum fun.

Islam

I’m not sure what’s going on here, I’ve only ever had a drink with one Muslim, who vowed that he’s never eaten pork ever (I’m not making this up). No sex was discussed. I’ve never really discussed sex with a Muslim person. But I’ve heard stuff.

Apparently the prophet Mohammed encourages a good healthy sex life between a man and his wife. This works quiet well especially since a man can have multiple wives. So in the area of sex! The Muslims are #winning

What’s interesting about Islam is that (apparently), it doesn’t explicitly preach against homosexuality. What it preaches against is anal sex. I hope no Muslim reads this.

Judaism

I may stand corrected, but I think the Jews are the ones who gave us condoms. Yay for the Jews! I’ve always loved the Jews. Even thought they killed our Lord. But our Lord is a Jew, so one must just love Jews.

There’s only one cool fact I know about Jewish sex. Apparently you are not to have sex during the day. This is strict Jewish law. If you really want to, you need to find a way to conceal all day life from entering the room before you can get it on.

What Does This All Mean?

People try to find the truth in religion. It’s just so sad that a lot of teenagers who get pregnant, who get STIs, and most of other people who don’t get sex ed, are church goes. I guess that’s not what church is about. But as a place that people trust and go to, and make life decisions based on, it would be great if life saving advice would be given. Preaching abstinence is great, but alternatives need to be preached to. I WISH church could be that place too.

I wasn’t at all trying to be blasphemous with this post. I’m sorry if anyone read this and felt offended. Believing in God, is believing that He is almighty and His word is irrefutable. We are all sinners at the end of the day. We must just always forget what sin is in our lives and what it means. For those of you who don’t believe in any organised religion, good for you! Shag on!!! But like I said earlier, have sex that your parents would be proud of. Don’t have sex that will bring shame to you. True religion is respecting you.

Don’t go around sucking 1000 dicks, and not fucking anyone all in the name of being a virgin, coz bitch you is a ho! (I had to sign off with something vile, just for the hell of it).

God bless you all!