Stop this nonsense and come back home

For three and a half years I was told, in so many different ways how I’m not cutting it as a boyfriend. Somewhere out there’s a contemporary template that everyone carries around and it has a list of doos, definitely doos and I will lose my shit if you donts. I was often on the worst side of this rigid template.

My history tells a story of someone who doesn’t much value themselves. Everything that you are, and everything that you’re not is exploited in a relationship. It’s just how it happens it seems. So I never questioned this opinion of me. The definition of complacency. Must have been frustrating for him.

It’s not about that though is it? Who did what? Maybe it is, but I’m not wired like that. Lists, templates, rules and expectations. What business did an A type personality have dating me? But then he did, we did. For three years and half.

I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t a long time coming. I wanted to last for long. I could’ve, complacency again? In the same breath, I’m just telling my side of the story. But because he’s still so deeply inside of me, I can feel him screaming for his side to be heard still. For three and a half years it’s what I heard. But he’s gone now. But not so gone? What the fuck is this? I’m being haunted! This is exactly what it is.

It’s the weirdest thing though. I’ve never ever ever ever had anything like this in my life! It’s not like pain. It’s like the fear of imminent death. Like I’m going to die at any minute. I’m going to die. I can wake up, and go to work. I don’t think I’m depressed. But I might just die.

So I want to say ‘stop this and come back home, you are killing me’.

P.S. A new me will be birthed through this death. A little macabre…but what else is there? Life and death…


The Loving Sadist

I am the agent of joy, I am harsh and exquisite

A star to light up your life,

I’m here to convince you of my halo

A hollow shell in need of true love

My promise of eternity

A sun in the darkness

Enticed by a marvellous dawn

Your love or your life?

So bright, so sore

In everlasting  sheets of pain I will enclose you in.

A grand gesture of devotion every day

Planting seeds, growing thoughts inside of you

Now I’ve lost you in a maze of rosy bushes

Trapped in my beauty, spellbound by my scorn

You’ve come to love me, as much as it kills you

I have you rotting in my filthy prison of desire

Puss seeps from your every pore, day in day out

Wrapped in chains, with locks that have no keys

Shackled in my cult of love you still worship me

Your heart still beats for me

You’re so pathetic, look at yourself

I want to put you out of your misery

For that I would have to break your heart


I can’t

I won’t

It’s far too snug, under my feet

Top Ten Break up lines

10. “I’m in love with someone else.”

9. “Wow, you thought we were dating?”

8. “It’s not you, its me.”

7. “I need space to grow.”

6. “Lets take a break.”

5. “You deserve better.”

4. “You’re a serial monogamist, and its suffocating me.”

3. “You got lazy, and I couldn’t stand for it anymore.”

2. “We don’t make love like we used to.”

And the number One Break up line.

1. “If its meant to be, we’ll find a way back to each other.”