Seven Days of Sex: Day 6: Sex and Religion

Sex and Religion


This should be interesting as I don’t know much about religion and what it says about sex. Kids who’ve been to Sunday school, Madrasah and or Torah Jewish Sabbath School (if such exists) know a lot more than me. I don’t remember much of my Sunday school education.

So I gather we all know the biggy…sex before marriage is a sin.

Sex before marriage is a sin

Virgins raise your hands, anyone? Depending on how religious you are, you can either take this very seriously or not. I remember when I first had sex. I was an altar boy; I didn’t plan to have sex. It kind of just happened. When it did, I doubt “I have sinned against God” crossed my mind for a single second. And mind you, I was pretty religious back then. I even thought I’d become a priest.

Why is sex before marriage a sin? I have no freakin idea! So I asked around. If you don’t know ask. Here are the answers I got from the people I asked.

Homosexual: “A ke tsebe hle.” meaning I’ve got no idea.

Devout Christian: “Because biblically we are instructed not to engage sexually outside of marriage.”

Two Preacher’s daughters independently: “Because sex is intimate (sex joins your body and spirit to another) and we must only have it in a secure relationship. And that is what marriage is.”

I asked another buddy of mine. She proper schooled me! I had church on BBM. She proper broke it down. My blog isn’t church though…so moving along.

What I think is that sex is more than just sex. The bible recognises that. For whatever reason it’s made sin because of how sacred it is. The easiest way for me to think about it, is having the kind of a sex your parents would be proud of. I guess pride wouldn’t be the right word here, but I guess you know what I mean right? There a certain conditions (standards) that should exist before two people indulge in sex, marriage being the highest standard.

Basically sex before marriage is a sin because the bible says so. Sin is breaking divine or moral law. Let’s just always remember that there are a lot of ways to sin, and virginity does not guarantee a trip to heaven.

Side bar: This post is going so much worse than I thought it would. I think the altar boy in feels like he is being an absolute heathen. I’m going to ease my guilt by reading “Song of songs” in the bible. I was going to read it before finishing this post, but it really long. You guys should give it a look.

Exploring religious sexual sin

So let’s have a look at what little tidbits religion might or might not say about sex. Disclaimer: The following was heard from various friends while alcohol was being imbibed. Anyways, here are some of the stories I’ve heard about sex and religion.

The Catholics/Christians

According to strict Catholic dogma, sex is purely meant for reproduction. We are meant to only have sex for the purpose of making babies. That’s why the church is anti any form of birth control.

This obviously excludes any bum-fun, aint no one is going to get preggers from taking it in the bum. SideBar: Just remembered that scene from the movie Milk, when homophobe said: “Homosexuality is an abomination. Homosexual can’t even have babies.” And Sean Penn replied: “That is true, but we sure do try.” Hehehe. I think if the gays keep at it, by 2020, we’re going to have our first baby conceived from man lovin. The Vatican will be so mad! LOL.

The church is also not in favour of anyone practicing any pleasurable sexual acts on themselves (masturbation). Apparently that’s like killing babies, or wasting them or something or nothing.

Priests and Nuns aren’t allowed any sexy time either. Just last week my mom came home with a heavy heart. One of her favourite priest is having an affair with a nurse. I laughed, but she was very hurt by this. It’s not the first time this has happened in my diocese. One priest even got a parishioner preggers…obviously he got fired for it.

Abortions are a one way ticket to hell! The Catholics believe that life begins at conception.  Whether you were raped, unmarried, etc…though shall not abort!

Sommer gonna gooi oral sex as a no no, just in case one should jizz.

So, no masturbation, pleasure is for conceiving, no condoms, no abortions and no bum fun.


I’m not sure what’s going on here, I’ve only ever had a drink with one Muslim, who vowed that he’s never eaten pork ever (I’m not making this up). No sex was discussed. I’ve never really discussed sex with a Muslim person. But I’ve heard stuff.

Apparently the prophet Mohammed encourages a good healthy sex life between a man and his wife. This works quiet well especially since a man can have multiple wives. So in the area of sex! The Muslims are #winning

What’s interesting about Islam is that (apparently), it doesn’t explicitly preach against homosexuality. What it preaches against is anal sex. I hope no Muslim reads this.


I may stand corrected, but I think the Jews are the ones who gave us condoms. Yay for the Jews! I’ve always loved the Jews. Even thought they killed our Lord. But our Lord is a Jew, so one must just love Jews.

There’s only one cool fact I know about Jewish sex. Apparently you are not to have sex during the day. This is strict Jewish law. If you really want to, you need to find a way to conceal all day life from entering the room before you can get it on.

What Does This All Mean?

People try to find the truth in religion. It’s just so sad that a lot of teenagers who get pregnant, who get STIs, and most of other people who don’t get sex ed, are church goes. I guess that’s not what church is about. But as a place that people trust and go to, and make life decisions based on, it would be great if life saving advice would be given. Preaching abstinence is great, but alternatives need to be preached to. I WISH church could be that place too.

I wasn’t at all trying to be blasphemous with this post. I’m sorry if anyone read this and felt offended. Believing in God, is believing that He is almighty and His word is irrefutable. We are all sinners at the end of the day. We must just always forget what sin is in our lives and what it means. For those of you who don’t believe in any organised religion, good for you! Shag on!!! But like I said earlier, have sex that your parents would be proud of. Don’t have sex that will bring shame to you. True religion is respecting you.

Don’t go around sucking 1000 dicks, and not fucking anyone all in the name of being a virgin, coz bitch you is a ho! (I had to sign off with something vile, just for the hell of it).

God bless you all!

Seven Days of Sex: Day Three



This isn’t an after school special. I’m not going to list all the disgusting things you might get from protectionless sex. If you don’t now about them it’s late for you. This post is also to acknowledge all the hard work the condom people put into bring us all the exciting condoms. Lets appreciate these hard working men and women. Oh, do y’all know anyone who’s used the female condome before? What’s that about?

If your last name is Christ, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Us mere mortals do.

And fuck everyone who says it’s NAAAAICE without protection. If you’re not married or PROPER committed to ONE person (sorry Mr President), I have not time for that kind of NAAAAICE. You can go have it with someone else.

I’m not going to deny you a few slip ups. Sometimes something inside of us switches of, and we put our lives in DANGER. Yes, there are those times. You feel awful the first time (if you have a conscious). That first time is more than enough to make you never do it again. Don’t let it become a habit. Sex without protection is no different from Russian roulette, that one bullet will get you! It takes ONE.  AND FOR WHAT? 30mins of pleasure?

You are not unique to the laws of biology. Protection Protection Protection.

It’s not just sex

When you don’t use protection, it’s not just sex. You are tacitly adding so many other things to the equation. You’re giving yourself so many other things to worry about post sex. Essentially you are creating potential for momentous irreversible changes in your life. This is the seriousness of SEX. When little pokes, thrusts and drizzles can alter your entire reality. Anything unwanted/unplanned, that lasts for 20mins and can change your life, cannot just be sex. It’s poor judgement, selfishness,
irresponsibility, stupidity, fate (maybe you were born to die of AIDS), so many cracks in your personality.

I just find it so self-destructive to be lax about disease. Love you life and love your shlong/pooms.

Congratulations it’s a bustard or maybe you aborted

I always joke about how people keep aborting the babies that are meant to find the cure for cancers, HIV and maybe even ignorance. Eish! I’m prochoice, but otherwise very anti abortion. Actually, a moment of silence for all regretted abortions: “_______________________”. Thanks.

Do you have any idea how fucking gross abortion is? It’s grosser than giving birth. Essentially, they’re undoing all that gross condomless sex you had. It’s killing the evidence, by burning down the vandalised building. Leaving terrible 3rd degree burn scars all over you.

For us, who were raised well and want to keep the baby. Yoh! I remember talking to @Miss__TC and she said: “I can’t imagine the degrading moment, where I tell my mom I’m pregnant and she has to ask me who the father is.” If you’re going to get pregnant, your parents must know the daddy/mommy is before the fact.

So like yeah, I am Catholic. But I’m part of the reformed Catholic Church, that’s the church in my head. We believe that life begins at conception. It’s too easy to make a baby; natural selection is a bitch like that. We need to be responsible about it. We can’t be brining life into the world if we aren’t equipped to handle our one lives. Only have a child/ren when you’ve worked on the best possible you.

Shit happens

Side bar, do you guys know that song by Kings of Leon “Sex on Fire”? It’s about an STI, that’s why it’s burning. Go listen to it. I got this from Chantelle Hulett.

So you’ve fucked up now. Your shlong looks like lips stick run over by a truck, and your pooms looks like mince. Shame, life’s not over. Don’t be stupid about it, handle it. You had the “not just sex” so now it’s time to deal with it. Do your best. Modern medicine
is still on your side with most STIs.

So you’ve fucked up now. You’re pregnant. Watch JUNO!!! Please watch JUNO. Again, get yourself together. It’s not the end of the world.  But ya JUNO!!!

So you’ve fucked up now. You have HIV. Please be a spokes person! So we know who you are, and stay far away from you!!! I joke. Look, it’s still not over. There are cancers that are worse than HIV. People can apparently live a long time now. I don’t know
said people. But again…it’s not over. It was a lesson you had to learn. You learnt it in the cruellest way.


  • Don’t have sex.
  • Go buy condoms NOW.
  • If you need tips beyond this, I’m not your friend.

“When she/he says I’m allergic to latex, your response is? I wanna see, put it on.”

And it read on her tombstone. “Nah girl, its aight…he pulled out.”

Yeah, that concludes DAY 3.

I’m not going to announce DAY 4 quite yet. I need to think about it.

I’m lying!!! DAY 4, SEX SELL.