Gold Digging for dummies Part Deux

Gold digging for dummies

Part 2

I’m back with part deux of Gold Digging for Dummies (GDD). I last left you when you were being an attention seeking pro. You’ve flirted, you’ve smiled, you’ve flipped your hair, and you’ve spilt water on your cleavage. You have done great and I’m proud of
you. You’ve been listening. So now it’s time meet your minister of finance, transport, tourism, social development, arts culture and recreation and if you’re lucky minister of housing too. All in ONE.


First Encounters

A middle-aged man (or much older) comes to you and says hello. First thing to always remember, DO NOT phapha, it’s very
unattractive. That will send him straight into the arms of your alcoholic friend she won’t have as much sass as you. Calm down! Look him straight in the eye and casually say hello. Now, if you do this right you won’t fail. Please pay attention.

Like I said before, these men had dreams when they were younger. But these dreams needed money, money they didn’t have yet. Now they do, but they’re old and sleeping with the same woman every single damn night! Now here you are, introducing an important component in that dream, YOUTH.


On this first encounter you are going to give him that very thing he desired. They say “youth is wasted on the youth”, it’s true the elderly know this. This man can appreciate youth, because it’s something he will never have again. So what do you do? Simple, treat him exactly how you would treat any other young respectable black man. Do NOT at any point make him feel old, or say anything that would remind him of his gut, his druggy teenager or his dried up wife.

Make small talk!!!


How to have a conversation 101

Here’s a party trick I learnt: to be in control of a conversation, you need to get the other person speaking more than you. Vehemently agree and disagree to everything without saying much at all. Ask a LOT of questions that make you seem genuinely
interested. Nod frequently and always find the perfect moments to smile. When he starts asking you questions about you, answer them with anecdotes that will again engage him.

Don’t talk about things that someone his age wouldn’t know. Suiker pa’s don’t like the feeling of knowing less than their concubines about anything! Unless if you have a very intelligent worldly thing to say about twitter, you must shut up about new age things. Again, you’re there to make him feel half his age.

To practice you should watch sharp rom coms, which have intelligent and highly suggestive innuendo. Show that you can more than just physically stimulate. Be a trophy, shine! Ultimately you’ll be asked what you do. Trophy ≠ Waitress.

Job vs Career, if you have a job dress it up

I don’t like discriminating, but like Chris Rock said, some people have jobs and some people have careers. Saying I’m a bank teller, waitress/hostess, receptionist, char lady, etc is NOT ATTRACTIVE.

Things to say if you have job:

  • I’m in sales – Department store correct size fetcher
  • I’m in customer relations – Call centre employee
  • Communications officer – Receptionist

You’re not ashamed of what you do, but really for obvious reasons you need to just dress things up. It’s not lying. If you’re going to be honest, you best start finding someone to play a violin in the background. Jobs suck; aint no one trying to hear about your job.


It’s getting late

Your friends are getting anxious and they need a change of scenery. You’ve gotten all you can from this evening. Say your good byes and hope he asks for your number. You must not, I repeat, you must NOT offer your digits. None of this is your idea!
Very NB. Be patient, wait for pops to get his mojo going. When he asks for your number try to appear a little apprehensive. Give them to him nonetheless.

What if he’s brave and severely avid? What if he asks to go home with you?

NO! Never! Yes, well done, I know you strongly believe “It’s just sex”, but you need to be a lady, this isn’t a limber looking off duty bus boy from Melville. This time you care what a man thinks of you. Doesn’t matter how interested he is, sex so soon will
turn you into a Chicken Licken snack box. You are easy not cheap. He needs to earn it (not really), and get to know its tacit T’s and C’s before he gets to eat it.

Please don’t think this is the last chance you have. I can’t emphasis enough how important it is not to put out on just after meeting a guy. Sex seals the deal, make sure there’s one before you let him plough your garden.


And so it begins

Don’t play GI-Hoe

When he calls, don’t try to be cool. Instantly make him aware that you know exactly who he is, and you’re glad he called. Make this first phone call very short. Abruptly mention a date then make something up to end the call. Make him promise to call you in
thirty minutes. Be sweet and sincere about it. He’ll call the second time and you’re going to give him all the attention he needs. GET A DATE!!!


First Date

Your first date will not be glamorous. It’ll probably be at a place where he won’t run into anyone he knows. It’s going to be some random hotel that’s known for hosting Avon presentations. Don’t be too disappointed. Be lucky that you’re with someone who
still has a little shame. This will work to your advantage.

Wear something you’d wear to meet up with your dad. This is to avoid prying eyes. You don’t need a 1000 eyes throwing daggers at you when you’ve got important work to do. You need to be vigilant and observant on the first date. Look out for the following to make a provisional judgement on the future of this courtship:

  • Is he as interesting as the last phone call?
    • Are you feeling awkward?
    • Are you able to say something to each other? There’s no point if you can’t have a
      conversation with this man.
  • His body language, how much of his body is angled directly at you?
    • Like animals mark their territory, do you feel marked?
    • Is he leaning into you?
    • Where is he looking? Is he constantly zeroed in on you, or does he keep turning his
      head? For fears of being judged?
  • His wedding finger, is there a ring? Or mark that one was there five minutes ago?
    • This will determine what kind of person he is.
    • If he’s married and lying about it, know that you have to pull stunts or this won’t
      last long at all.
    • If there are no indications of a marriage, you can relax just a little bit.
  • How often does he fidget his phone?
    • If he’s slick his phone will be off.
    • If he ignores/rejects call be very scared.
    • If he constantly looks at his phone, he’s terrified of getting caught. Distract him,
      make him feel easy.


You should know have a clearer picture of what this man is about or at least what he purports to be. After this comes the hectic stuff. You need to at this point look deeply inside of yourself to see if you can go ahead with this.

Are you ready to tango with devil? Can you sleep with this man? Being generous with the word trust, can you still ‘trust’ him?

There’s no turning back once you say “yes”?

To be contiinued

And remember, women were born to be mothers and men were born to be daddies.