The Good Mistress

A few days ago I had a conversation about mistresses with @KopanoMashishi. She said that she’d never be able to be with another woman’s man. It’s admirable that some women choose to stay away, but I don’t necessarily condemn women who don’t. Women who have side dick…The Good Manstress, this is for you too. Diane Lane was too convincing in Unfaithful for us not to recognise this growing pandemic.

The word “mistress” seems to have glamorous connotation. Mistress (I looked it up) means: a woman who has a continuing extramarital sexual relationship with one man, esp a man who in return for an exclusive and continuing liaison provides her with financial support. The penny chaser and the sex fiend. I’m not talking about this woman.

I’m also not talking about Glen Close’s character in Fatal Attraction.

I’m talking about a single woman who gets pursued by a married man and ends up giving in to his advances. What’s the name for her? Why does she also have to be degraded into the same class as penny chasers and sexual fiends? And if she’s lucky enough to not be called a mistress, she gets called a “home wrecker”. I’m not trying to come up with a new word for this woman, so for simplicity I’ll keep calling her a mistress, the good mistress.

We all need to understand that a relationship is between two people. The demise of a relationship and any issues that may arise can never be blamed on a third person. I believe this to be an absolute statement. I don’t think mistresses have the power to end a marriage. Every time a mistress in blamed I feel like women (society) has completely given up on men, and it is now every single women’s responsibility to make sure that all husbands don’t stray.  It’s bullshit.

Maybe there aren’t enough men to go around and the “good ones” are taken, what’s a single lady to do? I’m not advocating for bad behaviour, all I’m saying is that when “bad behaviour” happens anyway, we must be very careful who we condemn and if they even deserve condemnation.

I just wanted to advocate the good mistress. She too needs, wants and deserves companionship. If this world were perfect she wouldn’t have to accept it from a married man. It’s not fair for her to say no when it’s a perfectly viable option for her. Even when it’s not every night, on Christmas, on her birthday or on nights her lover has to be with his wife.

Postscript

1. Dr Mamphela Ramphele is the perfect example of this good mistress I’m talking about. One of the greatest women on our continent, she was Steve Biko’s mistress and everyone knew. See how terrible the word mistress is? You can’t be calling the great Dr Ramphele a mistress. It’s rude!
2. I asked people if there was a euphemism for mistress. I got two funny responses.  @Onklez : Ad hoc companion. @KopanoMashishi Mistress is already a euphemism for whore.
3. But what about the kids? Truth is kids are resilient if you have a relationship with them. Many of my friends have philanderers for fathers and they turned out just fine. Many of my friends have faithful fathers and they’re fucked up. So really, leave the mistress out of it.
4. With polygamy it works out perfectly for The Good Mistress. She can get promoted to The Good Second Wife. I guess all our first ladies, before the first wife were mistresses at some point? Not sure how it works with polygamy actually. Grey area…
5. I love Angelina Jolie. If you want to hate someone hate Brad Pitt. Yes, I went there!
6. Ladies, if you have to have men on the side, please don’t use the excuse “if men can do it, so can we”. You don’t need to be like men. So that really is the worst excuse ever! Cheating isn’t cool, if you do it, it best be for quality dick or untamed passion that you really can’t help…or love.
7. That song Women To Women by Shirley, was in bed taste.
8. If you are The Good Mistress your favourite songs are “Saving all my love for you” by Whitney Houston or “As we lay” by Kelly Price, than you deserve that call from Shirley! Smh!

MORAL OF THE STORY…DON’T BE TO QUICK TO JUDGE!

Seven Days of Sex: Day Two

Drugs, Booze and Sexytime

Yoh, okay so I’mma tell you right now, please watch out for spelling errors. I had to get in the mood for this one. So yeah, I had me some wine to get inspired by this here post. So like I’m going to manage to make sense, but my grammar will be on that Michael
J Fox vibe, including spelling errors. Bear with me. I joke…or not;)

Drugs, Booze and Sexytime!!! Yes friends, and others (I might love you some day), some of us are as guilty as Charlie Sheen.

Ever since that scene from Basic Instinct (I was 15 when I watched that movie), when Sharon Stone asked Michael Douglas, “Have you ever fucked on cocaine Nick?”, I’ve always been curious. I’ve always said that “curiosity gave the cat herpes” I’m not that cat, I’ve never fucked on cocaine, in case you’re wondering.

My curiosity got worse when *insert friends name* told me to “Fuck on weed. It’s the best.” Weed is more accessible, not as harmful as cocaine and its cheaper. But I’m not going to say whether I’ve fucked on weed or not (the internet is too pubic, even for me). I’ll let you decide.

But yeah, I can speak for booze. Most of us can. So here we go.

“It’s a bad idea, but it’s not the worst thing ever”

It’s naaaaice!!! But it can go incredibly bad, it really can shem. When you just wake up and feel like you were raised by Sondeza performers.

Look its otherwise naaaaice. But, it’s a bad idea when you aren’t taking care of number one, that’s you. You need to first think about yourself when getting yourself in this hot mess of high rewards. It’s the only way to wake up feeling like a better person. It’s not that deep.

• Use protection.
• KNOW what you are doing.
• Tell a friend beforehand (OPTIONAL, some friends want to be heroes, not mine though).
• Be willing to acknowledge the dirtiness of it all. This can be done, you’ll be fine.
• You are not Julia Roberts, life is not a movie. Have focus, sex is fun fantasy that needs strict reality.
• Random dryness. Shem, I am team lube, but it can be an inconvenience.
• Erectile issues (this is when you go home). You’re no one’s mother.

I am however talking about roulette sex. When it’s random, and you’re not sure when it’s going to happen again and the barman is warming up to you. There is another kind.

“I’m in a relationship and I’m kinda diggin on this person”

ALL BETS ARE OFF!!! Yeah, I am a huge believe of Requiem for a dream good lovin. There is still room for it being a bad idea, this is because drugs and booze are not our friends. Some of us are still for real about protection, whether you’re in a relationship or not.

Okay enough of the bad. Hehehe.

• It’s really NAAAAICE.
• It’s to the point, it’s direct.
• Even when it’s bad, it can be hilarious. I’ve had hilarious sex. You can laugh.
• It’s survival of the fittest.
• Its rude honesty, coz it’s selfish (you morph into that person you need to be).
• Potential for those true colours Cindy Lauper sang about.
• Leaves very little space for inhibitions that would’ve been there otherwise.
• It can actually lead to “that love” story, sometimes.

My favourite about such is that morning sunshine that comes with the “I know what you did last night” smile. It’s also met with that hangover that you’ll go through together. So it won’t be as bad, and you’ll actually enjoy most of it. It’s all too silly, but sky high with that cute factor.

“It’s okay”

If it sucked, it sucked. If you didn’t use protection and it’s a proper WTF situation, it’s also okay. Okay, I’m not being generous with my ”okay”. It’s only okay if this only happens ONCE in NAVY BLUE MOON (less frequent than that BLUE MOON). If you’re renowned for this kind of behaviour, you’re not doing great, speak to someone. In life sometimes you’re the windscreen, and sometimes you’re the bug. If you’re on the latter side of things, it’s okay. Pick up the pieces, there aren’t that many. Life
moves on.

Again, don’t have sex if you aren’t willing to deal with the inabilities/unwillingness of some people to do certain things.

“Lie”

I’ve always been soooo jealous of those people who can lie to themselves. I’m brutally honest with myself, but I can pretend. It’s not as bad a lying. Have you lie. Enjoy your pretence. But know!!! Always be aware. That’s the take home message.

I was hoping to get really pornographic with this post. I guess I’m not yet there. I don’t even have an idea for Day Three at his point. Hopefully this will change.

Drugs, Booze and Sexy time. Always be aware.

“We are adults, the next step is adultery.”

“If it feels wrong, it must be right. Consequences might or might not happen.”

“Team Redwine and Lube.” Holla at @NswanaM @tisjane2 @lesala_m and Stacey

“Erectile dysfunction? He’s not that into you”

We’ll see what happens on day three. Until then; no balloon, no party.

Ooooooh, okay. Next post: Disease, it happens.

Seven Days of Sex, Day One

PLEASURE

 This wasn’t as easy as thought it would be. I have, however, managed to piece together a few things.

It’s all about pleasure. And how do we have pleasure?  You have to absolutely want it. In wanting pleasure, there is no room for uncertainty and insecurities. Sexual pleasure, I find, comes from doing the simplest of things. You don’t need to be pulling fancy missions you saw in a porn movie. Those are trained professions, you’ll hurt yourself. Yeah, porn movies should actually come with a WWE “Don’t try this at home message”. Don’t be a hero. It’s okay to be kinky, go for it. But do it with caution. Kinky is using a feather, fetish is bringing in the whole chicken, Chantelle Hulett.

I have never insisted on anything fancy in my pursuit for pleasure. I believe in keeping it primal and hungry. Hunger is key; again “You have to absolutely want it.”

“It was only a kiss, how did it end up like this”

It all starts with a kiss. If it doesn’t you’re either damaged or being raped. Lawd bless a good kiss. The best ones actually make me light-headed. People underestimate the power of a good kiss. If you messed up there, chances are its game over for you.

A few simple guildlines to kissing

• Never kiss ANYONE who kisses with their eyes open. Such people hate their parents and cannot be trusted.
• Tongue and lips are not polony in a bun. You’re not trying to eat.
• Be soft and engaging.
• Kissing is NOT an excavation, you’re not looking for traces of popcorn.
• You don’t need lube, cap your saliva at 1 milligram.
• The lips are flavoured. Flavour can be released by sucking gently.

“Sex is like a box of chocolate”

You’ll never know what you’ll get. If sex is the chocolate, foreplay is the box. The anticipation, the want before the need. I once tweeted “Foreplay is what separates us from the animals”. I can’t express enough how much I believe in this. When a lion is about to chase after a Springbok, it doesn’t stretch or warm up or nothing…it just goes. Us as humans are not the same. We need to stretch and warm up. I think this is what for play is, stretching and warming up. Those few times you surprise yourself during sex (I’m a pretzel), can sometimes be due to really good foreplay.

But then there are those people…who want to foreplay like that is all you’re there for (worsting your time). Don’t over-foreplay, be kind to the box holding your chocolates. Someone said “You can never have enough foreplay” I called bullshit, coz we’re not virgins, and we have things to do. It gets boring and tedious if you over shoot it.

“Main course”

You’ve gotten this far. No point in turning back now. You’ve put in all that hard work, it’s time to let desire take the wheel. If you’re not in for a bumpy ride…go home.

You know how they saying the most important thing in operating your business is LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION? With sex its LET GO, LET GO, LET GO. You’ve worked through the kissing and the foreplay, your inhibitions should be a distant memory at this point. If they’re not, feel free to foreplay some more…or go home.

I say “go home” a lot because really, you don’t need to be having sex you don’t want or are not sure about. I can’t stress this enough.

At this point you must be willing to be completely honest with yourself and what you want, or you’ll leave unsatisfied. You’ll also be leaving the other person feeling very inadequate. Sex is about physical conversation. Actions really do speak louder than words. Sex is a freaken boom box!!! You need to speak up. Avoid speaking though…only when people are venturing into foreign countries without the correct documentation can you actually SAY, “Um yeah…the government doesn’t want you there.”

This is very important, because people do tend to want things that aren’t on the menu. Always speak up and be sure to mention what the specials are. Remember, you’ll only get what you want if you speak up!!! If you’re not speaking up, you’re kinda being selfish. Again, you don’t want to leave the other person feeling inadequate.

Go for gold. Get yours. Offer stuff.

“Ai, Oi Oi Oi, Ooooooh, Ah”

So it’s over now. It’s still about pleasure. Some people find joy and pleasure in cuddling, some don’t. Depending on how sensitive you are towards the other person’s feelings, you can go home or stick around. Use your discretion. You just had SEX, don’t be to worried about admin. Personally I don’t think people should have sex if they can’t deal with other people’s inabilities/unwillingness to do what they expect them to do afterwards. At this point you are justified to do whatever it is you want. Just don’t be cruel about it.

I think this is a good place to stop. I kinda had fun writing this.

Looking forward to Day Two: Drugs, Booze and Sexy Time.