Gold Digging For Dummies


Gold digging for dummies

Part 1

 

A friend of mine recently got propositioned by a wealthy older man. She wasn’t too sure what to do, but she decided to give him her numbers anyways to see how this was going to play out. She tried to convince herself that it wasn’t for the money, but she knew that would be a lie (and I told her so).

 

So then it just dawned on me, let me just blog about it and see what I can come up with. Gold digging can get very dicey when you’re a newbie so I thought it would be wise to explore it. Just in case some of you want to get into it, and you have a few questions on how to get you started on your franchise.

 

Questions to test if this self-help blog is for you

  • Do you want to live a life beyond your means?
  • Are you lazy?
  • Do you often feel like your looks are all you have?
  • Are you desperate?
  • Do you often say: “I’m tired of broke niggers”?
  • Do you really think “it’s only sex”?

If you’ve answered yes to four of these six question, you’re definitely who I’m trying to help with this. I’m going to guide you step by step on how to become a gold digger and still come out of it fine.

Disclaimer: Results will vary depending on your commitment. I accept no liability for; black eyes,  venereal disease, emotional distress (please don’t catch feelings, to be addressed later) and any other damages, financial/physical/emotional or otherwise.

 

 

What you’re getting yourself into

 

I don’t think you need to be completely amoral, but for this to be a success you have to be willing to kill a chunk part of your soul. There are some people who choose to view this differently, but I don’t. It’s a dirty dirty thing this gold digging bees-knees. People don’t think that gold digging is prostitution, I think it is. Well it’s not exactly the same:

  • you only have one client, unless if you’re a workaholic,
  • the hours are better,
  •  the working conditions  range from the back of a Ranger Rover to the Protea hotel on the N1 to Pretoria
  • the pay can be anything from a few expensive meals to a mini cooper
  • there’s no pimp
  • no need to worry about getting arrested

It’s white collar prostitution. You have more to offer than just sex. This is why you’re doing this. You’re smarter than Thembisile on Oxford road at 2 o’clock in the morning. As such, you’re going to earn more and you need to look better.

 

Be hot or go home!

 

You’re not just getting paid to have sex. You’re getting paid to make these men feel like everything they never felt in high school, varsity and their earlier working days. As a gold digger you are selling a fantasy. Think of yourself as a Ferrari. This man has worked really hard, now he’s in a place in his life where he can have the sports car he’s always wanted as a young boy. You are that Ferrari.

 

BE a sleek, well styled Italian sports car. Eat right and exercise on the regular.

At all times you must:

  • have you hair did,
  • have your nails done,
  • make sure your boobs be perky like two boners,
  • smell like new expensive leather (the best smell in the world),
  • dress like you’re being followed by the paparazzi,
  • carry yourself like the lady you’re not

If you don’t know what I’m talking about please visit www.ferrari.com. Look at the videos and the picture. Try to be like the car only human. Be this at all times why? Because you will never know!!!

 

Location! Location! Location!

 

You can meet a potential client anywhere! This is why you must always look your best at times. These gold mines are fully functioning members of society. The best ones won’t traditionally be at a Pick n Pay, they have people doing grocery runs for them. But look you’re only getting started, so this is where you start. Start shopping for your groceries in affluent neighbourhoods. You’re going to pay a premium for the items you need, so only go there when you need a few items, so not as to kill your budget. I don’t want you completely strapped out for cash. This is where you’re going to find men who have strong women at home. These men have wives who are as ambitious and successful as they are. These are the men you want. The kind of man whose balls are in his wife’s Chanel purse. Men who don’t feel like men! They are the easy targets. You can make them feel likekings.

 

This is your training ground. This is where you find out what your worth is in ogles, winks and awkward hellos. Spot your target and be sly as you stalk him. Try to strike up a conversation where you act completely clueless about a product you’re both looking to buy. Learn how to accept attention from a family man who’s got a wife at home, and maybe even a little kid in tow. I know, it sounds terrible, but hey you need to build up your amorality somehow.

 

Learn when the sun is out, practice when the sun is down.

 

The big league

 

This is where it gets serious!

 

Its night time and gloves come off. Open a bottle of wine, call a couple of your friends, and get ready to go out. It’s very important to choose your friends right on a night reserved for excavating. The following friends must never be holla’d at:

  • friends with good careers going for them.
  • friends from wealthy families (running into an uncle is the last thing you need)
  • a friend who has ever sent you a bible verse
  • friends who don’t drink
  • friends who get Coyote Ugly after a few drinks
  • friends who are so hot they make you look like Whoopi Goldberg on a bad day
  • friends who say “choma” more than three times a day

The following are the friends you need to do this right:

  • friends who are constantly borrowing money from you
  • friends who are loose for no reason at all
  • friends who’ve never paid for a drink in their lives, not coz they’re prettier than you, but coz they’re smarter than you
  • friends who love free things
  • a friend who’s a heavy smoker
  • a friend who is as forward as an erection in tights

Don’t go in a big group. A group of three to four is perfect. You don’t want to look intimidating.

Now, it’s important you do your research. Read your news papers. Know where the hot spots are. Give up on your life of trying to trick a DJ into an unwanted pregnancy. You’re on to bigger things now. Go to places featured in life style magazines. Go to places where business executives go. A place that’s not too stuffy, but also south of tjovitcho. Something like this Wine Sense place in Melrose Arch.

I’m not even going to tell you how haute you must look. If you haven’t been paying attention at this point, you cannot be helped.

When you walking in…imagine Naomi Campbell on her first day on a major designers runway. This is the look you are looking for. A soft look, something that says yes, I’m a big deal, you just don’t know how big.

Start looking for where the big wigs are seated. Then you get your charm on. Turn it on, pump it up, its go time!!! Bambi eyes, vixen weave flips and gentle head tilted laughs. Use your hands when you speak, just enough to call attention to your chest. Don’t be loud! You’re not trying to be heard you’re trying to be seen for the gem you are.

Now depend on how much attention you’ve been paying this whole time. You should have someone’s attention at this point.

To be continued

Advertisements

About obialone
I'm random and unwise. I'm always seeking wisdom in its simplest form. I'm scared of not being scared, so I find ways to terrify myself. I care about everything, and I'm interested in all things. I reserve the right to change my mind, anytime. So in most cases I find it best to humble my opinion

8 Responses to Gold Digging For Dummies

  1. zoo says:

    I’m finished! Love it!

  2. KT says:

    Ha ha ha. Epic. This belongs in a dirty issue of Cosmo.

  3. Kgahlego says:

    HILARIOUS!!!!! Love it friend! Love it!

  4. Kavita says:

    Brilliant! LOL!

  5. Zethu says:

    I got 3 out of 6. What does that mean…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: