How to spot a hooker in the day


Haven’t blogged in ages. Been doing life things or just taking a break I don’t know.

 

It was two o’clock in the afternoon and I was waiting for my sister outside the shops at one of Lynwood’s many shopping complexes.

As I was waiting, I noticed this lady (not really) walking to get to the ATMs. I should say right now that I’m a very observant person, especially of random things that probably won’t mean/amount to anything. Anyways, a few seconds into my observing this woman, I noticed a few things that led me to believe that she was a prostitute. I’ll be first to admit that sometimes my imagination runs rampant and I get questionable ideas brewing in my mind, but on this occasion I feel justified. Here is how I came to the realization that this lady was a tramp.

Gait

The way she walked was the first thing that made me notice her. It was a very peculiar gait, one that I was not familiar with. At first I thought she had some sort of disability, but no, she just walked funny. She seemed to use the arch of her feet more than necessary especially considering that she was wearing flats. She looked a tad bit uncomfortable or at least not used to walking in flats. I didn’t understand until I noticed more irregularities.

Calf Muscles

She had toned calf muscles which didn’t really go well the rest of her. I knew for sure she wasn’t someone who believed in regular exercise. Her calves rivalled Zola Bud’s (okay, maybe Helen Hunt’s) but still. This is the point where my mind started running rampant, I got it in me that if someone wore clear 8 inch heels everyday and had to stand and walk around in them…they would have calves like these. These were 8 inch clear heel wearing calves and I had to see if there’s more evidence. And there was.

Skin Tone

This was a black woman, but she was a yellow-bone (fair skinned black people are called yellow-bones by not so fair skinned black people). Her yellow-bonedness was however very compromised…think Happy Sindane’s skin tone. I want to say she looked pale, but not really. Imagine the skin tone a Khoisan would have if she’d never been kissed by the sun. Like she had a serious vitamin C deficiency (don’t even know what that would do to the skin, but I imagine it would result in her kind of skin tone). Like yellow leather seats that have been left outside after months of sun and rain…yes something like that. And like we all know, hookers don’t see much of the sun.

Thing is she didn’t look homeless or nothing. I had to find more hooker evidence. I did.

Hair

Her hair nearly threw me of my game. It was as nappy as fuck nuts! Think Whoopi Goldberg’s pubs in The Colour Purple (unnecessary hyperbole). But yes it was just that bad. If we still had the pencil test, The Whiteman would deport her to freaken Gabon. In my mind I thought it looked like she’d been wearing a beanie for the past 20 years or something. Then it hit me…wigs!!! Wigs are exactly like beanies, we’ll they should at least have the same effect on hair. So I was back on my game and things just kept getting better.

Nails

Once I noticed how lovely her nails were I had that “Cell-C tell someone” moment. Her nails looked lovely. They were gorgeous. Why would you have hair like that and hot nails? Because you are a hooker in the day time! That’s why! I was convinced. But I kept looking just in case.

At this point she was done using the ATM. I witnessed the same walk and was now looking at her in a whole different light. But something exciting happened!!!

She stepped into the SUN!!!

Guys! Away from the shade of the building she totally exposed herself. The glaring rays of sunshine had her looking disoriented and perplexed. The look was unmistakeable; it was like when Eric Northman (vampire from True Blood) stepped into the sun after hundreds of years. I couldn’t help it, I laughed so hard sitting there by myself.

So there you have it guys! Now you two can see if you can spot a hooker in the day. It is in how they walk, their calf definition, tone of their skin, how their hair looks, the nails and if you’re lucky their reaction to the sun.

 

Postscript

  • Although some of the things in this blog post are exaggerated for dramatic effect, they really are not far from the truth.
  • Also this poor woman could be a victim of Apartheid or The ANC’s trifling ways. So ya: Dear ANC people look like hookers (and maybe even are) because of you! #Jokes #OrNot
  • This actually happened last year December. I found myself thinking about blogging about it a few minutes ago when I was “studying”. Procrastination is so much fun.
  • I’m actually very fascinated by hookers. If I ever write an award winning anything trust me, a hooker will be in the storyline.
  • I must also mention that when I was in varsity a friend of mine and I ran a soup kitchen from res for the homeless people of Mowbray (Cape Town). On a few occasions these two hookers had some of our soup. Very nice people. Never saw them during the day…ever.

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. Someone very wise said this. Don’t remember who. This is particularly true for someone who has tons of work to do and a blog account.

 

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Call Girl Princess


So I’ve been studying! Bleh! It really sucks! I haven’t blogged in ages, and I needed to take a break to relax. I wrote a lil story. I’m actually going to try to finish this one in between my study breaks. Here’s part one of God knows how many parts.

She knew what she was and sometimes it would bother her, but on most days her life felt normal and beige, as unbearable as could be at times. When she’d reflect on her earlier years, she’d get hit by acute stings of depression. These days were like bitter cold winter days for which she’d always have a warm coat for. And when it got colder, she’d find new ways to keep warm. New ways to desensitise her heart. New ways to feel less. New ways to separate herself from herself.

Thembisa would convince herself that everyone is selling something and that she is no different. This offered her little comfort, but as the last thought before she passed out from binge drinking, it was something. The truth was however inescapable and no amount of alcohol or cocaine would change that, no matter how hard she tried. On a good night she was a prostitute and she didn’t mind. It was those nights when she was a whore and felt like even less that bothered her. She felt trapped and helpless. Like a victim of circumstance always rehashing how she found herself in this vile place. At her lowest moments she’d often thank God that her parents passed away when she was younger, she knew how much they loved her. The thought of her being a prostitute would kill them.

Things were however about to turned around for Thembisa. She was to become a professional. What had seemed as a way of survival was to turn into a career.

It was a night like any other. She was pulling tricks on the corner of Yvette and Troy. A car rolled up in front of Thembisa and she was solicited for her services. She thought nothing of it and jumped into the car when the door was opened for her. They exchanged greetings and the man introduced himself as Tshepo. This came as a welcomed surprise to Thembisa as she’s not used to anyone introducing themselves so openly without asking for a price list first. “Maybe he’s a newbie” she thought to herself, but it was odd, he was a little too confident for someone who’d never done this before. She was quick to respond, so not as to seem like she’s coy and can be taken advantage of. “I’m Daisy Tshepo, what can I do for you this evening?” Tshepo looked at Thembisa and smiled. His smile put Thembisa at ease, although she was still very alert as these men never turn out to be what they appear. Tshepo proposed that they go to a hotel. Thembisa was thrilled as this only happened once in a blue moon. Usually she used the Blue Shark Motel three blocks from her working corner.

On their drive to the hotel Tshepo was very quiet, which came as a surprise to Thembisa. In her experience men who chose to use a hotel wanted the girlfriend/mistress experience. She didn’t mind the silence though. She was enjoying the music Tshepo had playing on his radio. He was playing R’nB hits from the mid to late eighties. They brought back so many memories for Thembisa. As she stared out the window, she reminisced about how much her father loved playing the very same music as he’d do the garden at her old home in the township of Midupi. “I’m a long way from home” she thought to herself. She gathered herself and decided to engage Tshepo in conversation to avoid any romanticized feelings.

“So Tshepo, tell me what you do”, she said coolly, playing the role of Daisy. “I’m a businessman” he replied, in a rather curt fashion that threw Thembisa off. She didn’t know whether to believe him or not. He was placid enough to appear to be a businessman, but then again there was something sleazy about him that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. He was after all soliciting her for sex. That had to be it. She regretted initiating conversation, but she had already gotten the ball rolling and she wasn’t going to sit in an awkward silence which made her feel defeated. She knew she had to respond.

“Everyone is a businessman these days. I too consider myself a businesswoman” she retorted with a sneer. Tshepo took his eyes of the road and looked at her with an intrigued smile on his face. Thembisa knew she had him. She’d broken the proverbial ice. Tshepo let out a little chuckle. “I think you’re more of a saleswoman, than a businesswoman. Oh and look, we’re already here. Can’t wait to see what you’re selling”. They drove into the parking lot of a decent F1 hotel she had been to before. For the girls of Yvette and Troy an F1 hotel was as good as it got.

Thembisa’s fun was officially over. Tshepo’s comment got her feeling like the commodity and she knew it was time to go to work. They got out of the car and walked into the hotel. Tshepo had already checked in, so they headed straight for his room. On the way there Tshepo suddenly became very chatty much to Thembisa’s chagrin, but she had to keep up with him. She contributed enough so as not to seem cold and withdrawn, but also not too much because he didn’t want to encourage Tshepo. When they finally got to his room Thembisa was glad that it was almost over. She’d collect her money, bed him and find her way home.

At this time she’d realised that Tshepo was yet to ask her what her rates were. She placed her bag on the first chair she saw and said “So Tshepo, let’s get to business”.

To be continued
Off to study now! Fml!!!

Gold Digging for dummies Part Deux


Gold digging for dummies

Part 2

I’m back with part deux of Gold Digging for Dummies (GDD). I last left you when you were being an attention seeking pro. You’ve flirted, you’ve smiled, you’ve flipped your hair, and you’ve spilt water on your cleavage. You have done great and I’m proud of
you. You’ve been listening. So now it’s time meet your minister of finance, transport, tourism, social development, arts culture and recreation and if you’re lucky minister of housing too. All in ONE.

 

First Encounters

A middle-aged man (or much older) comes to you and says hello. First thing to always remember, DO NOT phapha, it’s very
unattractive. That will send him straight into the arms of your alcoholic friend she won’t have as much sass as you. Calm down! Look him straight in the eye and casually say hello. Now, if you do this right you won’t fail. Please pay attention.

Like I said before, these men had dreams when they were younger. But these dreams needed money, money they didn’t have yet. Now they do, but they’re old and sleeping with the same woman every single damn night! Now here you are, introducing an important component in that dream, YOUTH.

 

On this first encounter you are going to give him that very thing he desired. They say “youth is wasted on the youth”, it’s true the elderly know this. This man can appreciate youth, because it’s something he will never have again. So what do you do? Simple, treat him exactly how you would treat any other young respectable black man. Do NOT at any point make him feel old, or say anything that would remind him of his gut, his druggy teenager or his dried up wife.

Make small talk!!!

 

How to have a conversation 101

Here’s a party trick I learnt: to be in control of a conversation, you need to get the other person speaking more than you. Vehemently agree and disagree to everything without saying much at all. Ask a LOT of questions that make you seem genuinely
interested. Nod frequently and always find the perfect moments to smile. When he starts asking you questions about you, answer them with anecdotes that will again engage him.

Don’t talk about things that someone his age wouldn’t know. Suiker pa’s don’t like the feeling of knowing less than their concubines about anything! Unless if you have a very intelligent worldly thing to say about twitter, you must shut up about new age things. Again, you’re there to make him feel half his age.

To practice you should watch sharp rom coms, which have intelligent and highly suggestive innuendo. Show that you can more than just physically stimulate. Be a trophy, shine! Ultimately you’ll be asked what you do. Trophy ≠ Waitress.

Job vs Career, if you have a job dress it up

I don’t like discriminating, but like Chris Rock said, some people have jobs and some people have careers. Saying I’m a bank teller, waitress/hostess, receptionist, char lady, etc is NOT ATTRACTIVE.

Things to say if you have job:

  • I’m in sales – Department store correct size fetcher
  • I’m in customer relations – Call centre employee
  • Communications officer – Receptionist

You’re not ashamed of what you do, but really for obvious reasons you need to just dress things up. It’s not lying. If you’re going to be honest, you best start finding someone to play a violin in the background. Jobs suck; aint no one trying to hear about your job.

 

It’s getting late

Your friends are getting anxious and they need a change of scenery. You’ve gotten all you can from this evening. Say your good byes and hope he asks for your number. You must not, I repeat, you must NOT offer your digits. None of this is your idea!
Very NB. Be patient, wait for pops to get his mojo going. When he asks for your number try to appear a little apprehensive. Give them to him nonetheless.

What if he’s brave and severely avid? What if he asks to go home with you?

NO! Never! Yes, well done, I know you strongly believe “It’s just sex”, but you need to be a lady, this isn’t a limber looking off duty bus boy from Melville. This time you care what a man thinks of you. Doesn’t matter how interested he is, sex so soon will
turn you into a Chicken Licken snack box. You are easy not cheap. He needs to earn it (not really), and get to know its tacit T’s and C’s before he gets to eat it.

Please don’t think this is the last chance you have. I can’t emphasis enough how important it is not to put out on just after meeting a guy. Sex seals the deal, make sure there’s one before you let him plough your garden.

 

And so it begins

Don’t play GI-Hoe

When he calls, don’t try to be cool. Instantly make him aware that you know exactly who he is, and you’re glad he called. Make this first phone call very short. Abruptly mention a date then make something up to end the call. Make him promise to call you in
thirty minutes. Be sweet and sincere about it. He’ll call the second time and you’re going to give him all the attention he needs. GET A DATE!!!

 

First Date

Your first date will not be glamorous. It’ll probably be at a place where he won’t run into anyone he knows. It’s going to be some random hotel that’s known for hosting Avon presentations. Don’t be too disappointed. Be lucky that you’re with someone who
still has a little shame. This will work to your advantage.

Wear something you’d wear to meet up with your dad. This is to avoid prying eyes. You don’t need a 1000 eyes throwing daggers at you when you’ve got important work to do. You need to be vigilant and observant on the first date. Look out for the following to make a provisional judgement on the future of this courtship:

  • Is he as interesting as the last phone call?
    • Are you feeling awkward?
    • Are you able to say something to each other? There’s no point if you can’t have a
      conversation with this man.
  • His body language, how much of his body is angled directly at you?
    • Like animals mark their territory, do you feel marked?
    • Is he leaning into you?
    • Where is he looking? Is he constantly zeroed in on you, or does he keep turning his
      head? For fears of being judged?
  • His wedding finger, is there a ring? Or mark that one was there five minutes ago?
    • This will determine what kind of person he is.
    • If he’s married and lying about it, know that you have to pull stunts or this won’t
      last long at all.
    • If there are no indications of a marriage, you can relax just a little bit.
  • How often does he fidget his phone?
    • If he’s slick his phone will be off.
    • If he ignores/rejects call be very scared.
    • If he constantly looks at his phone, he’s terrified of getting caught. Distract him,
      make him feel easy.

 

You should know have a clearer picture of what this man is about or at least what he purports to be. After this comes the hectic stuff. You need to at this point look deeply inside of yourself to see if you can go ahead with this.

Are you ready to tango with devil? Can you sleep with this man? Being generous with the word trust, can you still ‘trust’ him?

There’s no turning back once you say “yes”?

To be contiinued

And remember, women were born to be mothers and men were born to be daddies.

Gold Digging For Dummies


Gold digging for dummies

Part 1

 

A friend of mine recently got propositioned by a wealthy older man. She wasn’t too sure what to do, but she decided to give him her numbers anyways to see how this was going to play out. She tried to convince herself that it wasn’t for the money, but she knew that would be a lie (and I told her so).

 

So then it just dawned on me, let me just blog about it and see what I can come up with. Gold digging can get very dicey when you’re a newbie so I thought it would be wise to explore it. Just in case some of you want to get into it, and you have a few questions on how to get you started on your franchise.

 

Questions to test if this self-help blog is for you

  • Do you want to live a life beyond your means?
  • Are you lazy?
  • Do you often feel like your looks are all you have?
  • Are you desperate?
  • Do you often say: “I’m tired of broke niggers”?
  • Do you really think “it’s only sex”?

If you’ve answered yes to four of these six question, you’re definitely who I’m trying to help with this. I’m going to guide you step by step on how to become a gold digger and still come out of it fine.

Disclaimer: Results will vary depending on your commitment. I accept no liability for; black eyes,  venereal disease, emotional distress (please don’t catch feelings, to be addressed later) and any other damages, financial/physical/emotional or otherwise.

 

 

What you’re getting yourself into

 

I don’t think you need to be completely amoral, but for this to be a success you have to be willing to kill a chunk part of your soul. There are some people who choose to view this differently, but I don’t. It’s a dirty dirty thing this gold digging bees-knees. People don’t think that gold digging is prostitution, I think it is. Well it’s not exactly the same:

  • you only have one client, unless if you’re a workaholic,
  • the hours are better,
  •  the working conditions  range from the back of a Ranger Rover to the Protea hotel on the N1 to Pretoria
  • the pay can be anything from a few expensive meals to a mini cooper
  • there’s no pimp
  • no need to worry about getting arrested

It’s white collar prostitution. You have more to offer than just sex. This is why you’re doing this. You’re smarter than Thembisile on Oxford road at 2 o’clock in the morning. As such, you’re going to earn more and you need to look better.

 

Be hot or go home!

 

You’re not just getting paid to have sex. You’re getting paid to make these men feel like everything they never felt in high school, varsity and their earlier working days. As a gold digger you are selling a fantasy. Think of yourself as a Ferrari. This man has worked really hard, now he’s in a place in his life where he can have the sports car he’s always wanted as a young boy. You are that Ferrari.

 

BE a sleek, well styled Italian sports car. Eat right and exercise on the regular.

At all times you must:

  • have you hair did,
  • have your nails done,
  • make sure your boobs be perky like two boners,
  • smell like new expensive leather (the best smell in the world),
  • dress like you’re being followed by the paparazzi,
  • carry yourself like the lady you’re not

If you don’t know what I’m talking about please visit www.ferrari.com. Look at the videos and the picture. Try to be like the car only human. Be this at all times why? Because you will never know!!!

 

Location! Location! Location!

 

You can meet a potential client anywhere! This is why you must always look your best at times. These gold mines are fully functioning members of society. The best ones won’t traditionally be at a Pick n Pay, they have people doing grocery runs for them. But look you’re only getting started, so this is where you start. Start shopping for your groceries in affluent neighbourhoods. You’re going to pay a premium for the items you need, so only go there when you need a few items, so not as to kill your budget. I don’t want you completely strapped out for cash. This is where you’re going to find men who have strong women at home. These men have wives who are as ambitious and successful as they are. These are the men you want. The kind of man whose balls are in his wife’s Chanel purse. Men who don’t feel like men! They are the easy targets. You can make them feel likekings.

 

This is your training ground. This is where you find out what your worth is in ogles, winks and awkward hellos. Spot your target and be sly as you stalk him. Try to strike up a conversation where you act completely clueless about a product you’re both looking to buy. Learn how to accept attention from a family man who’s got a wife at home, and maybe even a little kid in tow. I know, it sounds terrible, but hey you need to build up your amorality somehow.

 

Learn when the sun is out, practice when the sun is down.

 

The big league

 

This is where it gets serious!

 

Its night time and gloves come off. Open a bottle of wine, call a couple of your friends, and get ready to go out. It’s very important to choose your friends right on a night reserved for excavating. The following friends must never be holla’d at:

  • friends with good careers going for them.
  • friends from wealthy families (running into an uncle is the last thing you need)
  • a friend who has ever sent you a bible verse
  • friends who don’t drink
  • friends who get Coyote Ugly after a few drinks
  • friends who are so hot they make you look like Whoopi Goldberg on a bad day
  • friends who say “choma” more than three times a day

The following are the friends you need to do this right:

  • friends who are constantly borrowing money from you
  • friends who are loose for no reason at all
  • friends who’ve never paid for a drink in their lives, not coz they’re prettier than you, but coz they’re smarter than you
  • friends who love free things
  • a friend who’s a heavy smoker
  • a friend who is as forward as an erection in tights

Don’t go in a big group. A group of three to four is perfect. You don’t want to look intimidating.

Now, it’s important you do your research. Read your news papers. Know where the hot spots are. Give up on your life of trying to trick a DJ into an unwanted pregnancy. You’re on to bigger things now. Go to places featured in life style magazines. Go to places where business executives go. A place that’s not too stuffy, but also south of tjovitcho. Something like this Wine Sense place in Melrose Arch.

I’m not even going to tell you how haute you must look. If you haven’t been paying attention at this point, you cannot be helped.

When you walking in…imagine Naomi Campbell on her first day on a major designers runway. This is the look you are looking for. A soft look, something that says yes, I’m a big deal, you just don’t know how big.

Start looking for where the big wigs are seated. Then you get your charm on. Turn it on, pump it up, its go time!!! Bambi eyes, vixen weave flips and gentle head tilted laughs. Use your hands when you speak, just enough to call attention to your chest. Don’t be loud! You’re not trying to be heard you’re trying to be seen for the gem you are.

Now depend on how much attention you’ve been paying this whole time. You should have someone’s attention at this point.

To be continued