Top Ten Reason Why I Had To Leave Work 4 Hours Early


It’s one of those Fridays guys! I want to make a run for it so badly. I’m just not feeling today’s movement. Here are a few excuses I wish I had at my disposal.

10. I thought the build was on fire, by the time I realised it wasn’t, I was already on the highway.

9. There was load shedding on my laptop. Eskom has it out for me.

8. My girlfriend/boyfriend was threatening suicide if I didn’t come home.

7. Fuck you I got a new job.

6. My watch is 4 hours ahead, I totally forgot, so sorry.

5. I’m allergic to traffic. It can kill me, I barely made it this morning.

4. I’m a Gupta…

3. I left my bedroom door unlocked, my Gremlin was going to get exposed to sunlight and die.

2. I was here in spirit. I don’t understand what the problem is.

And the number one reason I had to leave work 4 hours early.

1. Apartheid is over, deal with it!

The DA made a controversial statement. Knowing fully well that blacks would get excited. I am said excited black. No one cares how honourable the intentions were. They MUST have known that a black like me (and many others) would get excited! Stop exciting blacks, because you want some air time on the interwebs.

Advertisements

Top Ten Women Rajesh Koothrappali Will Have No Problem Speaking To, Sober


Because of their stunning personalities. I’m not shallow!

10. India Arie
9. Brandy Norwood
8. Poppy Ntshongwana
7. A Zuma wife; current and future
6. Kola Boof
5. The Williams sisters
4. Tracey of The Braxton Family Values
3. Ann Coulter
2. Snooki

And the number one woman Rajesh Koothrappali will have no problem speaking to sober.

1. Anele Mdoda

Woke up feeling strange…I think I’m hungry and/or cranky. *sigh*

Top Ten Signs that you’re a bad mother!


10. Picking your child from school looking like a homeless Whoopi Goldberg.
9. Not buying you child’s love with money and gifts.
8. Conceiving a child between the 16th and 31st of December. (September babies).
7. Telling your child that he/she is the most beautiful person in the world.
6. Disrespecting your child’s father right in front of him/her. Even when the father deserves.
5. Not breast feeding for at least for 2 years.
4. Buying your child a Young Money Cash Billionaire what what, album!
3. Feeding your child McDonald’s more than twice a month.
2. Teaching your child how to pour drinks for your enjoyment.

And the number one sign that you’re a terrible mother.

1. Not beating your child when he/she is acting da fool!

Top Ten Things Mistresses Say


First top ten in ages!!! Last one was in October.

10. Your wife doesn’t have a gun does she?
9. Lady, what I’m doing to you, they did to me. You must just be strong.
8. Please don’t talk about your wife when you’re with me, makes me feel cruel.
7. The kids adore me, they call me aunty Nomonde.
6. What did you say your husband’s name was again?
5. If he was your man, he wouldn’t be here with me.
4. He’s going to leave his wife to be with me.
3. Sharing is caring.
2. #nowplaying Kelly Price, As We Lay.
And the number one thing mistresses say
1. OMG, he’s married? I had no idea!

Proper blog on mistresses coming soon.

Top Ten Reasons why your RIM BlackBerry is a 3310.


10. The big BIS button is broke.

9. This is a loyalty test.

8. Ubersocial for blackberry and the neanderthals who use it over loaded the RIM servers.

7. Steve Jobs has nothing to do with this, but whatever. Everyone is telling big jokes about this one.

6. Desmond Tutu was praying for a better world. RIM got caught in the crossfire.

5. Loyiso Gola did it! For better jokes shem. That kid is dry!!!

4. Someone in the ANC got an executive position at RIM…this what happened on day one.

3. RIM employees are Springboks supporters…depression hit hard.

2. Al Qaeda did it. When we wake up tomorrow England will be Bungra-land.

And the number one reason why your BlackBerry is a 3310,

1. Its 60 rands! The fuck did you expect for 60 rands? Sit Down!!!

Top Ten Reasons Why The Dalia Lama won’t be coming to SA


I haven’t done a Top Ten List in a very long time, I’m out of practice. Here goes nothing.

 

Top Ten Reasons Why The Dalai Lama won’t be coming to SA

 

10. The government is Catholic and the Pope is in on it. He can’t stand this guy.

9. He has an infectious disease that will kill us all.

8. No one likes Tutu. They all want the party to suck.

7. All those with BEE/Corruption sin will have fatal diarrhoea if they stand 50 meters near him.

6. The Lama banged one of Zuma’s wives.

5. He’s old; no one wants to deal with the PR of him dying here.

4. China promised to assassinate every DA member if we kept him out.

3. He’s trying to smuggle opium into the country.

2. It’s all a rouse, he doesn’t really want to come here, he just wants to make China seem even more evil.

And the number one reason why The Dalia Lama won’t be coming to SA

1. “The Dalai Lama” is not an acceptable name on official Home Affairs documents and he refuses to give up his real name, Ping Pong Thatha Pow Oh.

Top Ten Reasons Why Sex Is The Most Important Thing in The World


10. It’s NAAAICE.

9. Just think how many people had to have sex for you to be born.

8. It creates employment, across industries.

7. It supplements and sometimes even complements love.

6. It’s one hell of an ego booster.

5. Gives really/super damaged people one thing to be good/great at.

4. Its nonexclusive, chubbies, gays, priests, lezzies, wheelies etc, can all get sum.

3. One of the best distractions from life’s woes.

2. You can have it with the person you love the most. YOU.

And the number ONE reason why sex is the most important thing in the world.

1. The climax, orgasm…cuming…aaaaah ooooh. Mmmmmm, Oi. SATISFACTION.

So I decided that I know enough about sex to say stuff. So for the next seven days, I’m going to have a different sex topic.

I’m going to call this literary repertoire. SEVEN DAYS OF SEX.

Starting today, wish me luck!!!

Top Ten Reasons Why Zille is Godzille (Threat to the ANC)


10. She speaks fluent Xhosa.

9. She’s an attractive woman.

8. Botox injects affect parts of the brain and can make you crazy.

7. That sidekick of her’s, Lindiwe Mazibuko.

6. Angela Merkel went to her house for tea.

5. She’s learnt a few moves and will soon be able to get down like JZ.

4. She did an expo on Steve Biko’s murder and was arrested for it.

3. The bull balls to call the president a womanizer who puts his wives at risk of contracting HIV.

2. The world is a big place, when you win “Mayor of the World” you are not to be taken lightly.

And the number one reason why Helen Zille is a real threat.

1. See the picture below.

Godzille

Top Ten Reasons why weed should not be legalised


10. It’s too much fun.
9. We don’t need anymore good ideas.
8. Muffin mix prices will sky rocket.
7. People rather have alcoholic parents than full time stoner parents. Right?
6. “My son is a weed distributor/specialist” doesn’t sound good.
5. Fast food restaurants will need improved security.
4. Our MPs don’t need more vices. Blade Blazer.
3. Bongo Muffin might ger back together, who needs that? #MEEE
2. General Practitioners will have one more thing to prescribe, that patients “don’t need”.
And the number one reason why weed should not be legalised.
1. Prank calls to emergency services. These are important in saving lives.

Top Ten Reasons Why Twitter is Better than facebook


10. Junk food tastes better than healthy food.
9. Stalking is kept to a minimum.
8. Celebrity melt downs are rife on twitter. Follow @KanyeWest and @CharlieSheen
7. Psuedo names are fun. Like @LittleMissCuntCakes
6. There’s soooo much porn on twitter.
5. When black parents make a threat to social network, its always facebook.
4. Retweets.
3. The vulgar, insane, broken, sullen, twisted people on twitter, make your life seam like a scene from The sound of music.
2. @UberSocial
And the number one reason why twitter is better than facebook.
1. Peeps don’t GIVE A FLYING FUCK on twitter!!!