All my life I had to fight and all my life I must

I’m not much of a fighter, but now I realised that I absolutely need to be. The other day I wanted to repair my shoes, they literally just needed glue. I went to Levingers in Lonehill. I give them my shoes and they tell me it’s going to cost R200 – two shoes for glue. I’m taken aback by this, but I think whatever let me pay. The costs of finding another place will add up, also I’d been procrastinating on it for a while. After paying they tell me it’s going to take 4 days. I was shocked, R200 and 4 days for glue. But I’d paid already, so I swallowed my disappointment and I left.

On my drive home I remember thinking of the things I just accept because conflict and inconvenience give me ulcers. The reality of it is that I’ve never had these ulcers and maybe it’s time for them. Everything started feeling so personal.

I ruminated on being a gay man and how that came with the struggle of my identity being fingered. The endless teasing where I had to puff my chest out to defend myself in the face of ridicule. I thought about how tough I had to be in fighting that battle. I got used to it, I got stronger every day and it worked out. As anyone would tell you, it’s not easy, even though it gets better. It’s a fight with yourself and everyone else.

Then I started thinking about a very dark time at my last company. I worked for a trash company that kept losing human resources, and the work would always fall on my lap. I remembered how I just took the abuse and never complained, never fought back, never said HELL NO. I bowed out of that company, same way I did with the shoe place. With my tail between my legs, like a helpless dog. Which is fitting because I was worked like a dog.

Now I’m sitting with all these thoughts and I’m having an ‘enough is enough’ moment. I am so done! This is not happening anymore. I’m going to get very uncomfortable and sick to my stomach every single time I’m taken advantage of. I’m going to get all the ulcers. Everyone gets to be happy but me. I am the one who has to go through these should’a-would’a-could’a motions. I am so done!

There’s no grace in this. It is becoming clear that I have crippling pride. It’s pride that’s marinaded and soaking in shame. The shame of appearing not to afford R200, the shame of being gay, the shame of appearing incompetent and unwilling.

There’s a quote somewhere out there about comfort being the undoing of us all. I’ve suspected that that’s the thing that’s been holding me back. In comfort there is no grit, there is no courage. It is Maya Angelou who said ‘Courage is the most important of all the other virtues. Without courage you will not be able to perform the other virtues.” There’s so much truth in this. You have to courageous to seek justice. You have to be courageous to have faith. I also remember something that my late grandmother said. She identified something in me. Told me that I needed to be brave in my life. I asked her what being brave meant, she said it’s to trust God and his promise to you. A wise woman! This is how I’m going to honour her! Grit all the way!

Post script

This outlet is so important to me. This post is a clear sign what the issue is. It take humility to share. Also I’m reading a book by Brené Brown – I thought it was just me. It’s giving me much insight to the tapestry of my life. Looking forward to sharing.