Top Ten Jobs For People Who Hate People

So I have this buddy, Zethu, who doesn’t like people. Scratch that, she hates people. I thought about it, I don’t know many of my friends who actually like people. And there seems to be a trend accross careers. Yes, I don’t know people from all professions. But hell I’m going to go for it. So here is my list of the top ten jobs for people who hate people.

10. Call centre agents
I was one for 2 months. Calling people and having them reject you no matter how polite you are. Humans seem to have more confidence on the phone than in real life. Really makes you see society for what it is. Makes you hate them.

9. Engineers
Most of them don’t even have people skills to speak of. The ones I know, I knew. That’s saying enough.

8. Teachers
“Those who can’t do, teach. Those who can’t teach, teach gym.” – Woody Allen in Annie Hall. Need I say more? They find “a calling”, but really, they couldn’t do it themselves, and because they know how not to, they can help us all get there. Whilst hating us all along the way.

7. Taxi drivers
Sigh! Somewhere in the course of history, either the passengers or the taxi drivers started this hate. Either way, the taxi drivers came up tops. Their hate is standard and constant. When you step into a taxi, your life is immediately in danger. From the strikes they cause, to inconvenience you, to the absolute disregard for traffic laws to make more money. Taxi drivers hate people.

6. Prostitutes in Arab/Islamic/terrorist harbouring countries
The poor souls are in fear of their lives all the damn time, and they have a job to do. A classic case of working under dangerous conditions. The conditions are however because people don’t eat bacon. Some might even say that they hate people so much, that they’re doing this job to spite them.

5. Politicians
They lie, they cheat, they steal. All this in the name of creating a better future for all. The best ones do it in the name of Jesus Christ Our Lord And Saviour. They get money from the rich and promise to protect them from the poor. They get votes from the poor and promise them to distribute all the wealth that the rich possess. One needs to hate people to do this, successfully, every day…as a job.

4. Hip-Hop musicians
Their lyrics are an IQ dropper. They are worse than drug dealers. Their sole intention is to dumb it down and get paid. They thrive on the insecurities of men and women. They, themselves, are projecting their insecurities through what they call music. The hate in the music is quite obvious. They call other people, who are not like them stupid whores all the time. They don’t even like each other, always shading each other. Hateful people in general.

3. Everyone who works at a hair salon
This I purely blame on the hair products. The chemicals in those products are extremely harmful to love ever seeing and appreciating love. Most of them are single and bitter because of the chemically induced paranoia. Best know, when you walk out of a hair salon, awful things will be said about you. This group we must pity. I advise them all to wear masks at work. If you don’t believe me, watch one episode of Jersey what what.

2. Cult leaders
“Loneliness is not cured by human company. Loneliness is cured by contact with reality.” Cult leaders make a career out of absolutely drawing people as far away from reality as possible. They cut you from your friends, your family, TV, booze…essentially everything you enjoy. When it’s all said and done, they trick you into killing yourself so that you can get onto the mother-ship to Sector T9. This must come from an acute hate of humans.

And the number one job for people who hate other people.

1. Doctors
Most of my people are doctors. In varsity the all complained about how rough become a doctor is. I used to tell them to shut up. I mean if you’re learning the skills that will save human lives you must get that it will come at a very heavy premium. But alas the premium has finished them. The burden of it all has torn my doctor friends apart. Most want to run away from it. In all honesty, I blame it on the patients. They have no business being sick in the first place. Most of the time it’s because of humans being irresponsible. They see this every day, and every day they think “why human?” Why don’t you just commit suicide and be done with it. Now I have to fix you and deal with the possibility of failing.

Ergo, they hate people.

I’m glad I’m in the profession I am in. Auditing! We love everyone. We are for humanity!


The Loving Sadist

I am the agent of joy, I am harsh and exquisite

A star to light up your life,

I’m here to convince you of my halo

A hollow shell in need of true love

My promise of eternity

A sun in the darkness

Enticed by a marvellous dawn

Your love or your life?

So bright, so sore

In everlasting  sheets of pain I will enclose you in.

A grand gesture of devotion every day

Planting seeds, growing thoughts inside of you

Now I’ve lost you in a maze of rosy bushes

Trapped in my beauty, spellbound by my scorn

You’ve come to love me, as much as it kills you

I have you rotting in my filthy prison of desire

Puss seeps from your every pore, day in day out

Wrapped in chains, with locks that have no keys

Shackled in my cult of love you still worship me

Your heart still beats for me

You’re so pathetic, look at yourself

I want to put you out of your misery

For that I would have to break your heart


I can’t

I won’t

It’s far too snug, under my feet