Stop this nonsense and come back home


For three and a half years I was told, in so many different ways how I’m not cutting it as a boyfriend. Somewhere out there’s a contemporary template that everyone carries around and it has a list of doos, definitely doos and I will lose my shit if you donts. I was often on the worst side of this rigid template.

My history tells a story of someone who doesn’t much value themselves. Everything that you are, and everything that you’re not is exploited in a relationship. It’s just how it happens it seems. So I never questioned this opinion of me. The definition of complacency. Must have been frustrating for him.

It’s not about that though is it? Who did what? Maybe it is, but I’m not wired like that. Lists, templates, rules and expectations. What business did an A type personality have dating me? But then he did, we did. For three years and half.

I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t a long time coming. I wanted to last for long. I could’ve, complacency again? In the same breath, I’m just telling my side of the story. But because he’s still so deeply inside of me, I can feel him screaming for his side to be heard still. For three and a half years it’s what I heard. But he’s gone now. But not so gone? What the fuck is this? I’m being haunted! This is exactly what it is.

It’s the weirdest thing though. I’ve never ever ever ever had anything like this in my life! It’s not like pain. It’s like the fear of imminent death. Like I’m going to die at any minute. I’m going to die. I can wake up, and go to work. I don’t think I’m depressed. But I might just die.

So I want to say ‘stop this and come back home, you are killing me’.

P.S. A new me will be birthed through this death. A little macabre…but what else is there? Life and death…

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About obialone
I'm random and unwise. I'm always seeking wisdom in its simplest form. I'm scared of not being scared, so I find ways to terrify myself. I care about everything, and I'm interested in all things. I reserve the right to change my mind, anytime. So in most cases I find it best to humble my opinion

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