The death of lust

So, it’s been a long time since I last had sex. I’m not a picky person, when I’m not sober at least. It’s not like I haven’t had any opportunities. I’m not the most unattractive person in the world. Considering my personality and esthetic qualities, I’m actually a viable suitor, even if it’s just for one night.

Maybe it’s the cold winter or the Leo within is just yearning for a shag, but for the past few weeks I’ve been thinking about sex more than usual. But today I find myself feeling a little indifferent to it all.

See my ego got a boost a couple of hours ago. A little while ago I basically got offered a night in heaven with a supple nineteen year old. At my age that doesn’t happen often (I’m not that old btw, I’m an awesome twentysomething). I could’ve gone for it but I didn’t. I know for a fact that less than a week ago, I’d be nekkid in bed with my loins well seasoned and ready to go. Today though, it’s different. I know I almost want to, but I won’t.

Being the overthinker that I am I’ve decided on a few reasons why I won’t get laid at this point in time. These could be standard reasons why normal people chose not to get laid, but I wouldn’t know. Because I’m not a normal person etc.

I’m scared
Forget what I said earlier. Fear normalizes me to a point where I’m not even an individual anymore. But yeah, I’m pretty scared. Maybe the specifics of my fear make me different from everyone else?
I’m scared that I’ll tear this poor sod into shreds. You know, for a sexually rambunctious fella such as myself, not having sex for a long time grows thee most grotesque thoughts inside of you. I will break this poor child into pieces. Partly because I want to and also because I’m damn hooongray, only because it’s been a while.

I’m growing up
For the past two years I’ve been contemplating how I need and haven’t had a serial (don’t edit) relationship. After a string of near hits and utter misses, I’ve convinced myself that it would be unwise to shot in the dark like I have been all my life. This is part of the reason why I’ve been celibate for so long. I want to keep a part of me honest I suppose. Too many careless romps MUST erode the loving soul. It’s a popular belief and one that might just be applicable to this here rebel.

The age difference
Fuck that! Who wouldn’t want a supple 19 year old? This is not at all a pertinent factor.

I don’t deserve it?
Do people have to deserve sex to have it? I suppose not. But I’ve always thought sex is sacred, even when it’s with a stranger. There’s beauty and poetry in sharing your body with someone, for whatever reason. This being in hindsight, my vanity used to make me feel worthy of all the sexual attention I got. It’s not enough anymore. I’ve grown up a lot since. I’d like the next person I sleep with to be someone who sleeps with me and not what I appear to be. I wear a lot of faces at any given point in time. The face I have on right now cannot be trusted. I’d be having sex in my whole with this person. But my whole would be different to the person this kid thinks I am.

I don’t know. Maybe sometimes not giving into our shallow needs of the flesh is a good thing. All I know is that the lust within me has leukemia and I don’t mind all that much. As for how long it’s been since I last had sex…hahaha. A long time it’s relative. A week for one man is a year to another. So that doesn’t matter. If you’re going to have a lovely shag in the next few hours, good for you! Have a round, just for meJ

Sex, relationships, celibacy, lust, sexuality,


About obialone
I'm random and unwise. I'm always seeking wisdom in its simplest form. I'm scared of not being scared, so I find ways to terrify myself. I care about everything, and I'm interested in all things. I reserve the right to change my mind, anytime. So in most cases I find it best to humble my opinion

One Response to The death of lust

  1. Anonymous says:

    a highly charged piece indeed….sometimes explicit but truthfull all the way…it is commendable when a man takes responsibility for his sexual behaviour and considers how his actions will affect others…it is also an attractive quality in a man when he knows what his strengths and weakensses are…Great post!

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