I saw a light and it wasn’t love. Part Deux


I saw a light, part deux

As she sat on the couch parallel to her sliding door hoping that the nature outside will inspire her heart, Lesedi sighed as if to let out all the soot clouding her emotions. She snuggled in to get as comfortable as possible. Her eyes caught a picture of her and Themba on the side table, from their earlier days. A Brooke Logan’esque lone tear rolled down her cheek and settled on her gown. For some reason seeing the tear stain made her smiled, she didn’t know why. She quickly got over it and allowed her mind to wander.

 

Her mind raced to when all she had with Themba was a ding dong fling. She recalled the kind of person she was before Themba. In the beginning her heart wasn’t into it. Themba came at a time when Lesedi had just gotten into her element as a young working woman. A relationship was not a priority. She’d have her flings that we’re far between and infrequent. She didn’t mind them or the frequency. “I live light” was her twitter bio for a long time, and that’s what she did. She had her youth and her fun, her interests and her friends, her ambitions and her God. “A lover in my life would prove redundant and excessive”, was what she’d tell herself on nights when she indeed wanted to fill the other side of her bed. She’d spend the same nights thinking of what love had meant for her in the past. These nights would awaken a dormant demon that nearly took all of her. Her first love, Mashudu. She’d quickly banish his memories to the hell they belong to and soon just accept that love can’t be defined by a boy who she loved when she knew nothing about the world or herself.

 

Lesedi picked up the photo frame and realised that at the end one cannot help but think of the beginning. “A trip down memory lane” she thought. She felt pathetic for a moment and reminisced on her first encounters with Themba.

Themba was smooth but not in a sly way. It it came from a place from a good place, a tranquil place. He was a young man at peace with himself and everything around him.

She wasn’t a fan of having a “might as well approach to life” but he managed to make her feel comfortable enough to give him the benefit of the doubt. Something about him made her tick like the finest Swiss watch. She felt all these things seduce her senses and yet she still played hard to get. She chuckled at the number of hoops she made him jump through. Then she stopped for a while and realised that he wanted those hoops, he wanted to jump through them to make her happy. Themba was always making an effort to serve a purpose in my life. She soon let up and gave Themba what he desired her love. She’d loved for much less. This was worth it. Thinking in hindsight, she questioned how much of her love was she giving. She now felt that Themba deserved more.

 

Themba was fast on the ball once things were undoubtedly official with Lesedi. She was shown around and introduced everywhere as Themba’s girl. This started getting to her as she started feeling like she was being swallowed into someone else’s life. She’d bring it up with her friends and they’d all make her feel like the beautiful girl with a scratch on her Bentley. So she just let it go and soon started enjoying the fruits of a relationship. One of these fruits definitely had to be the sex they had.

Themba would make Lesedi feel like a Goddess and a whore all in one thrust. She’d never really thought of sex as the “be and end all” of a relationship before. Themba however pulled tricks out his hat on so many occasions. Lesedi would sometimes even feel the need to applaud him once he’d taken her to heaven and beyond. She even went out of character and bragged to her friends about it on a drunken night out. She was however never comfortable with cuddling, even when Themba would insist on it. She never understood his desire for this as she had none. On some nights she would try to cuddle with Themba, but on others she’d just turn over and rush to have a cigarette. On one night Themba confronted Lesedi on her lack of intimacy. This shocked her as she’d never been required to explain this part of herself. Lesedi didn’t force an explanation she didn’t have or wasn’t willing to give. She just told Themba that it’s something she just can’t do. Themba protested that he felt like it’s something she can do, just not with him. These words pierced through her heart. She had come to care about Themba. She didn’t want him to have feelings that questioned her sincerity. The feelings of guilt would soon fade away and their sex life became more and more clinical. Bleeding away all the passion and desire they’d ever had for each other.

The relationship didn’t change much as a result of this. The only difference was that she felt like they were more in love when they were around other people than they were when they were alone with each other. Their time spent alone felt like rehearsed scenes from a sombre Sam Mendes movie about a yuppie couple in suburbia.

 

Looking for a little distraction from herself, Lesedi reached for the remote control and switched on the TV. The last person to watch TV was Themba so it was no surprise that it was on Nat-Geo-Wid. The animal of interest was the lion. She watched a lioness with her cubs. This gave her a warm sort of feeling inside. “I want babies one day” she thought to herself. She was quick to reprimand herself, as this was the most inopportune time to even think of such.

 

Lesedi noticed the time on the information bar and realised how time just flew by. As if fate had cursed her, she heard the sound of the door opening and she immediately gasped. “What am I going to do?” she said under her breath with grimace. She quickly turned to the door like there was any hope that it could be someone else except her future ex.

 

Themba walked in with roses, a wrapped box and sparkling wine. Lesedi felt like the worst person in the world. It slipped her mind that today is their third anniversary. She stood up quickly and looked at Themba dead in the eye feeling lifeless.  Then fell to her knees, letting out a cry of sorrow and joy.

 

She saw a light and it wasn’t love. It was content and it was beautiful.

 

The end

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About obialone
I'm random and unwise. I'm always seeking wisdom in its simplest form. I'm scared of not being scared, so I find ways to terrify myself. I care about everything, and I'm interested in all things. I reserve the right to change my mind, anytime. So in most cases I find it best to humble my opinion

3 Responses to I saw a light and it wasn’t love. Part Deux

  1. wow…well written piece, i truly loved it twin!! well done ..

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